Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Vacillating

in one moment i'm certain, in the next i'm fretting. i feel like there is a major decision to be made and time is the main factor. and whereas i can't say that it's theee main factor with a capital M, it is one of the stressors driving me to blinding indecision. and i am completely incapable of making this decision in the moment.

to leave nyc or not to leave; that is the question.

the pros and cons swim around my head every day and i just don't know what side of the equation to definitively land on.

there are justifiable reasons to stay, and there are potentially greater reasons to leave.

i haven't done the pro con list for fear that neither list will end.

plan for my life, i don't do those. i do visions, goals, i daydream. i happen into fortunate circumstances and run them until they don't run anymore. shortlived, they are, but fruitful.

nyc is my heart. my home. i am comfortable here. i trust it. three years short of a decade, and i feel as though i can spend my days here, so long as i have a passport and airfare. i am happy with my job with CUNY and am two years short of being eligible for free tuition (i think... i need to check on that.) technically if i remain working there and start work on a phd, it can be financially worthwhile, two birds with one stone. CUNY schools are well known and respected, and i definitely can find what i want to do within the system. i could study abroad and still have nyc be home base. i like that idea. actually, i love it. i like the idea of having my spot in bk, going to work during the 12 to 15 weeks, taking classes, and taking breaks to travel and study or teach abroad and coming back to my nyc home. writing at length, self publishing my works and my families' work as well. to stay here welcomes the potential of family business taking route and expanding.

staying in the states will also enable me to be able to visit my parents and family whenever i need or want to, and that is definitely a point of value. if i remain and continue to share rent, then there are more opportunities for me to do other things with my money, like travel or eat out or shop or whatever. and no, it's not LIVING abroad, it still provides the opportunity to go somewhere for a little while and come back. there's always the OPPORTUNITY in NYC, that is the truth. people are constantly reinventing themselves here. there's still so much i haven't done in the seven years i've been here. so, that's how i feel about nyc. there is an onion layer to be peeled with each year that i'm here, and the bulb is still far beneath the layers for me.

but there is the point of a love life or lack there of. whereas i would not plan to go abroad to find love -- at all -- i know for a fact that the past seven years has not panned out in the relationship area. i have met -- who i consider to be-- the love of my life and am convinced that should we ever end up in holy matrimony i would be happy to entertain life where ever he and i should choose to exist, because quite simply, he's my favorite person in this life. happy days or funky days, silly mood or crappy mood, he does it for me. but the reality is that he does not say that i'm the love of his life, and therefore has no current plan find us in holy matrimony. even with this divergent levels of desire, we remain confidantes and companions (he is harry to my sally in the most authentic of ways). i don't know that i'm waiting for anything from him or expecting anything, i only know what i see and experience "now" with him. i see him in front of me each week making me smile and enjoying my company, listening to me rant and complain. he sees my ugly and voices reason (and i do the same of/for him). i fear that i will never tire of his presence, and that i'll look up one day an old lady with an old friend and no husband to call my own. on the contrary, i also fear that should we actually go our separate ways --for good and forever-- the heartbreak would be debilitating. in an unwavering way that has been true since day one and rings true today in year five, he makes me happy in a way no other person has before (i can't say "and never will" because i don't know what "will be", but i can say that my flame is consistent in a way that keeps me from being interested in any one guy for much longer than a couple of months. yet annually, he's the one for me.) ALL that to say, if i stay in nyc, i have this matter of love without claim or destination to contend with. but in each moment we spend together, i am content and want for nothing. so moment to moment, i live.

so, to leave all of that.... the job that's just a job, nothing passionate, but surely enjoyable. the love of my life who is committed to being my friend. the comfort of family and potential to grow in new ways collectively. my adopted city and home and all the adventure there. to leave it all for the potential of an adventure on the world stage i'd always thought i'd already have by now: to live abroad, THAT may really be worth it. to live abroad means a change in trajectory. it means capitalizing on the unknown. Potential is the word of the day. If you can get a visa.. if you can get a job... if you can get affordable housing... if you can gain a support system, then living abroad can end up being an experience that people dream about. That I've dreamt about. That I daydream about. Those are the only points I have on my live abroad side. I've always wanted to do it. IF i can figure out where to go (I keep thinking London, but the reality is, it's sooo expensive and as a student you can only work 11 hrs a week, which is not a lot of money) i can decide on if i will apply to study there. then there's the issue of funding. I don't want another cent of student loans. ...And then whose to say that I want to stay there for the length of time it takes to get a phd. I don't think I want to live in Europe a long time, just long enough to see some places and do some things. People keep saying that if I go, I'll probably end up marrying a EuroAfrican fellow there and staying. It's not what I'm looking for, but I would not be surprised. I neither welcome nor shun the idea. I figure if I can get another advanced degree and gain some adventure in the process then, yay! anything else in the way of life is a bonus.

But again, if we're weighing the options, the option to stay outweighs the option to go. I literally can't make a decision. So I'm going to [continue to] pray about it. God knows what I should do more than anyone. He gave me the desire to see the world. He gave me the intellect to study and research which will aid in an advanced degree. He is fully aware of my love for all things NYC as well as the love for the one man that may last until my final breath. He knows that i love seeing my family often. He knows that i have a number of goals outside of academia that i'm still managing to achieve. And he knows that I don't like regular jobs that involve customer service and that other kind of stuff that you have to do when you don't have many options for income. If i go abroad i can look at having to do any number of those jobs i've either avoided or quit years ago. and that's not appealing.... unless it's in a place where i'm gaining a language skill.

So Lord, what do I do.

Should I stay or should I go?
What about my goals?
What about my heart?

What about my home? Where am I going to live???

Even if I don't figure out where I should go, how to reach my goals, and whether or not i remain single and unattached with a sometime platonic friendboy for the next 8 years, I still have to move out of my apartment in 6 months.

so. because of all of this. i'm fretting just a bit.
So I will be still and know that he is God, and expect the moment when he says MOVE! cause HE answers prayers.

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