Monday, March 07, 2011

I finally commented on someone's post

of that Why You Aren't Married Article...

It ended up being an essay of sorts:

Back around Valentine's Day, everybody, their sister and their husband posted this article and there seemed to be a lot of support of it. While I found her article well written (I'm actually interested in reading her memoir), I can't say that I, or a number of my single friends, fall into these categories she characterizes. I can definitively say that I'm: Not a bitch, not a slut, not selfish in relationships, have an extremely positive self-worth, and am especially not a shallow liar! I love the shock value, in your face, tell it like it is way the author presents her arguments, HOWEVER, I'd like to counter that a number of women that often "land the husband" are, in fact, bitchy, are shallow, have lying tendencies, can be selfish, and just so happen to know how to seal the deal with THAT particular guy they're marrying. (Just like the author can make general over sweeping commentary on women, so can I!) If I did a case study on the people that I personally know across the country who are between the ages of 28 and 48, and just for fun let's say they're on their first marriage, from the outside looking in, they are ALL dealing with a number of the very issues the author underscores as reasons why middle age women remain single. My parents are marital counselors so I've heard stories ranging from self worth to personality issues amongst spouses (points 1 & 6); I have friends that deal with the infidelity of a spouse and choose to stay in the marriage (points 3, 4 &5); I know people who remain married despite the lack of intimacy and connection because it's a good arrangement (points 2 & 5); I see people who get married in one year and divorced four years later and get REmarried a year after that (which can be attributed to any of these points). I say all of this to support why I don't buy into what she is saying because I don't believe these are THEE REASONS why a large percentage of women in their 30s - 50s remain unmarried. Good writers can convince people of anything and perpetuate notions that aren't entirely valid.

Last week there was an interesting response to the first article, also on HuffPost, here's the link: It may not have been as well written, but I appreciate it moreso because the points of the second article touch on a number of issues that many writers of Women's relationship columns don't highlight. Some women remain single because they choose to believe that with what a good majority of people settle for in marriage, they'd prefer the alternative (until they connect with a person in which they can exist in the most fulfilling way). Also, no one really thinks of the fairytale when it comes to marriage anymore (despite what people like to say). If you speak to a majority of individuals, men AND women, they're quick to make negative remarks about the marriage/commitment experience, even if they're joking. We are very cynical as a society/generation regarding life long marriage, even though we love romantic comedy movies. The second article also points out being the intelligent, attractive, down to earth chick, and NOT being the girl that was chosen (as the girlfriend, got the proposal, et al.), the shallow girl did. Go figure.

This is my favorite quote of the second article:
"...even though I know that marriage isn't a fairy tale, I'd still like to actually be madly in love with the person I'm going to do all of this sacrificing and fighting and laughing and struggling with. I've been in love before, with men who were arguably (and endearingly) more troll than Prince Charming, and I know it can happen again."

I'm not writing a response as a woman looking for a husband right now (I really enjoy being a free bird!) or bitter about the lack of commitment I've experienced in recent years (being a "it's better to love and lost" theorist), but as a woman thinking rationally about the situation and choosing to acknowledge that what the first author writes does not illustrate my experience. So, as Public Enemy said: Don't believe the HYPE!

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