Wednesday, November 03, 2010

i might be a little out of control right now...

i'm mad tired... and emotionally all over the place... with so much work to do... and i'm sure a rehearsal or two or three coming up very soon....

but I can't stop thinking about how my friend is gone, and my group of friends in LA are grieving over our collective loss. SO, i got a ticket to LA... leaving around 9pm tonight, to attend the service tomorrow afternoon, and head back to nyc by midnight... arriving in time to drop my bags, maybe close my eyes for a moment (or not), then head to SI for class at 12:20.

...yeah, that classifies as being out of control.

i haven't really been talking about my whole feelings surrounding this tragic turn of events. it's a really different space i'm in than when Shay Shay passed. of course, she was a friend as close as a sister cut from the same cloth who'd been in my life since I was a tween..... but it is still very unbelievable, unsettleable, ...still very questionable... like, a how could this happen, kind of questionable, even though i understand that, it just happens.

last time a friend died, i had a "someone" here to definitely lean on. and i truly needed it at that point, as distraught as i was. this time, i somewhat mentioned it to my brother in passing, letting him know i'd be gone, yet again, for a day or so. he asked the details, and that was that. everything else related to existing in this moment, this experience, has been very solitary. maybe the most solitary i've experienced something to this degree. So, it almost feels like it's not real. like it's something I've made up. a dream or something of the sorts. nightmare that certainly isn't true (the absurdity of it all) but i remember the details so vividly. and i want to tell someone about the dream, but i've decided it's not exactly necessary since it's not real. i need no superficial conversation or condolences from anyone. but a below the surface heart to heart or checking in is always something i benefit from (and i engage in enough of those to keep balanced). and prayer, prayer is always remedy.

....but, i guess this is me still learning what it means to live in a city so far away from many of your loved ones. this is me still learning that though tough times without a significant person/other by your side can be emotionally taxing to extreme degrees, it's just another day, if you keep living. this is me still learning that we just never can tell how long our individual journey will be, so if it means flying across country for hundreds of dollars to spend just a few hours, yet it ends up being a significant moment/memory of your life as a whole, a life that's not guaranteed to be longer than a few years-- no matter how old you live to be, then it is worth the time and money. this is me still learning about the precious and complex elements of life.

i'm learning just how much life is a crash course.
often times there really is no dress rehearsal on this side.
As MJ said, THIS is it.

scene 11, act 31.
(or something like that.)

1 comment:

eMCee said...

Yeah. You said it well. I can relate to being so far detached, yet so undeniably connected to those you treasure most. I'm so glad you decided to take that flight. Your realizations, even during this trying time, exemplify grace, strength, courage and wisdom. May God be glorified through this experience and may you continue to grow in your understanding. As your dad mentioned and as the tagline to a show on BET once elucidated, "Life IS the dash."