Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Dream (10/4/10)

This one I attribute to the having stuffed my face full of Tara's bountiful cooking on Sunday night. You know, kinda like when Heathcliff Huxtable ate the meatball sandwich before it was bedtime, and wound up having a wild, muppet caper of a dream.... Yeah, like that, only there were no muppets (well other than myself):

I was sitting in my room, in bed kind of sleep or maybe just resting, reading or something of that nature. It wasn't my room in this house on Stuyvesant Avenue. It was a smaller bedroom of an actual house, and it had french doors that opened into a backyard patio garden. The doors were open though screened, as it was a sunny spring day, and so a warm breeze filled the room. And then, entering from the garden, a group of people started coming into the room. I was so startled though I didn't feel at danger. They weren't intruders and seemed to know what they were doing coming into my room. They slowly filed in, and it seems I figured out they were actors because they started acting out a scene, right there in my bedroom. I don't remember what the scene was specifically. (Considering that the night before I'd gone to see a reading of eight or so monologues with people confessing secrets to the audience, it feels like this was the nature of the scene going on my room.) At first I tried to get someone's attention to ask why the heck they were in my room, of all places, doing theatre. Though none of them looked familiar they felt familiar, so I became fully engrossed in the scene.

I can't determine how long this went on... because it wasn't a long dream, but I know sat on the edge of my bed, slightly confused yet captivated by these actors in my room. The doors were still open, and I didn't notice the next person to slip into the room as my attention was focused on the strange scene taking place. And then, I felt his presence close behind me and get closer as he began to kiss me allowing me to fully recognize who he was. When I did realize who it was, the tears started to stream, overwhelmed with surprise, joy and, most of all, satisfaction. The satisfaction came from the look in his eyes as they mirrored exactly what I was feeling - and have been feeling for years. It was also a satisfaction of the me in the dream having moved on from this person, yet he had somehow moved back around to me. In the dream, it wasn't an illusion that this was the first time I could see how sure and deliberate his actions were in that moment. Within seconds, he was on his knee in front of me.

I woke up before the rest of the scene unfolded into some kind of precious romantic proposal. I woke up but continued lying in my warm bed thinking about what I'd just experienced in my dream. It was only a dream and therefore didn't excite me, nor did it make me sad. I moreso wondered why on earth I would conjure up such a scenario, and was a bit disappointed that I would [still] be dreaming about this person, especially in that capacity. Because I already know this is not a foreshadowing of anything of this sort taking place with this person. And that's something I purpose to accept more and more each day, week, and month of my current life.

At the very least, it was a warm, sweet representation of the kind of experience of love I believe in, even if never have experienced. I saw a scene in my life that has yet to happen, yet at some point can be a reality -the circumstance, if not the details.

I'm not waiting for a proposal from anyone. I don't even have the kind of connection with anyone at this point in my life that would yield a man asking for my hand in marriage. I think it's fly to be a freebird right now, and I swallow the melancholy of being companionless while chasing it with the enchantment of weaving the wonderful life I want without answering to or for a significant other.

I guess you start to dream about proposals, or being married to someone, or having youngins (which I've not dreamed about the latter two, or at least I don't remember, Thank God) once you reach a certain point in your life, whether they are something you have a strong, active desire for or not. But, I suppose, in the same way that I accept and re-accept....... and re-accept... that significant-other-type of love is just not available for me right now, I understand that such a dream is just that: a dream that cannot, will not, and should not be attributed to anything going on in my reality.

(....feelings of any kind of destiny-related connection to any one man, notwithstanding.)

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