Sunday, October 31, 2010

rest in the light, sunshyne.


sunshyne
1980 - 2010

i was on the bus headed to dc for howard homecoming, enjoying the ride, listening to my kind of music, drifting in and out of sleep, literally reflecting on how lovely the sunshine was permeating the view of the horizon as we motored forward when my phone rang the first time. i noticed it was spencer, but since i was more than halfway sleep and on the bus, i didn't want to have a long conversation, so I didn't answer. i figured if it were important he'd leave a message and i'd call when i got off the bus, but there was no message so i kept gazing out into the sunlight. dozed some more. then my phone lit up again, this time, khyle. again i didn't answer but there was a message. i still didn't check it. but after a few mins, i thought it was strange that both spencer and khyle would call me from LA within minutes of one another... could their calls be related? was it urgent that i speak to them both at this moment? i sent a text back to them both saying that i was on a bus to dc asking what's up. spencer responded, "can you talk? can i call?" so i woke all the way up and dialed him back immediately.

he answered on the first ring, and did not beat around the bush.




"It's Sunshyne. She passed away today."

of course i asked him what he could possibly be talking about. couldn't really comprehend it. he said that she'd had a diabetic seizure that morning. i asked if he's sure she's gone. he said, "yeah, she's gone." my heart started beating so quickly and i asked for more details, which he couldn't provide other than one of her best friends and our mutual friend was a wreck. he said he and khyle were going to go be with her. we hung up and i called khyle immediately. "hey. what's going on?" he kinda says some things that amounted to confirming what spencer said. our friend, the beautiful Sunshyne, was gone. i asked if nikita knew, but they both had not been able to reach her. she was in DC for homecoming as well.

so, i hung up with khyle and called her. she said she'd just awakened and was getting ready to get dressed to go to up to the yard on Howard's campus. i said, sit down. she said she was sitting. and i just said it: Sunshyne passed away today. it was soooo surreal to be saying this. her response: i don't think i believe that. i said, believe it, honey. she asked what happened, i told her what little i got from spencer and khyle, she said she was going to call melva. so we got off the phone.

i sat there for a moment, still about an hour or more outside of dc, stunned. at this point, it didn't matter if i was having such intimate discussion on a public bus ride. i needed to talk. i called my mom, told her because knew Sunshyne as well. she was shocked with sorrow. i called Daddy next. he didn't remember her by face, but remembered me speaking of her in earlier years when i lived at home. i asked what a diabetic seizure is and how someone could pass away from one. he told me how when Gran Gran's sugar was too low, she'd go into a diabetic coma, so perhaps a seizure was caused by the opposite, and her sugar was too high. in our heart to heart we talked about a number of things.

when i asked how to make sense of this, he said there's nothing to make sense of when a person dies other than we will all pass that way. when i said that perhaps it is easier for people who have experienced a lot of death to accept such things, he said that it doesn't make it easier no matter how many times you go through it. he said even in Gran Gran being ill for so long and him being at peace at the fact that she is no longer suffering from her ailments, her passing was still a very difficult grieving period to go through. still is, i imagine. he said though, that as it says in scripture, the Lord knows the number of each of our days, so there is no passing away before you are supposed to. he mentioned how the day before he'd just reflected on how there's a dash between the 1925 and the 2010 on my grandmother's gravestone, which indicates that no matter how long you live, it is still a dash in time, just a moment, when it comes to reality of eternity. and furthermore, as Christians, it is certainly alright and appropriate to grieve, but we have the added hope of seeing our loved ones again in eternity who have passed away in Christ. we don't grieve with the hopelessness of the world, he said, believing that we are forever separated by death. the real tragedy, he reminded, is when a loved one dies never having accepted Christ and lived a life reflective of their loving relationship with God. all things i know, and things i think of when it comes to Shay Shay and Prince Jones, Gran Gran, Mommae, and Daddy Albert. and now, Sunshyne. i know i will see them again. but it's still so................ surreal. strange. unbelievable.

and still such a tragedy. as melva explained to me the next day, Sunshyne was about three months pregnant, with a baby boy i believe, and had developed gestational diabetes in her first pregnancy with her daughter, who is now two years old. she's been married for two or three years as well, and it appeared storybook. you know. she and her beloved seemed made for one another, he a youth pastor, she a mentor to youth girls teaching classes on purity. pictures of their wedding day reflect and ebony princess and ivory prince off to live an enchanted happily ever after. she was an extremely attractive girl, but being bred in north carolina, was the epitome of down home southern charm. she worked out often, running marathons, watching her diet. she was an actress getting commercials here and there, doing stage work. and with a new baby on the way, a precious toddler running around, and a husband who adored her as God's precious treasure, it seemed her entire life was to unfold for years to come. it seems SHE did everything right. Just like Shay Shay. THEY did -EVERYTHING- RIGHT there is to do. They loved God with their whole hearts, were the vision and role model for other women and girls, friends, etc. Model wives with coveted relationships with their spouses. Ministers for the youth with their husbands, doing the Lord's work. Sunshyne enjoyed motherhood for a couple of years longer than Shay, who passed when her baby boy was two weeks old, but they were both 30, and both died from complications related to pregnancy.

THIS is a horrible reality to face, for everyone involved. her husband and mother, God bless their hearts and comfort. i remember the days following Shay's passing and the things her husband would say in terms of the Lord preparing him for this moment, when she expressed that she was in pain and didn't know what was going on. he called paramedics but it took so long for them to come, he could see in her face that she was leaving here and the Lord was preparing him to be able to handle it. six months later, for whatever reasons that are still unclear to me, he disappeared with the baby boy, and her family has not seen him since he was six months old. i can't imagine the Lord told him to do THAT, but, what do I know. so............................ in this bad situation, i really am praying that the Lord will place people in sunshyne's husband's life to hold him up as he's weary with grief, that there will be mother replacements for the two year old baby girl, and that everyone is made whole who feels broken by this tragedy.

Though a tragedy.... everyone that knew her has been comforted by the fact that Sunshyne LOVED THE LORD, utterly and completely, more than herself and any other person; so, we are convinced she is doing better than any of us in this moment. ..........but still. this is pretty surreal.




Monday, October 25, 2010

i know there's supposed to be this whole school of thought

that you shouldn't "care what people think" about you, however, in reality, i think in general it sucks just a bit (if not to great degrees) realizing that someone very well might not like you as much as you thought they did. and that doesn't pertain to the amorous kind of "like", crushes and loves and such, but like i said, in general, overall indication that someone who's feelings you regard's showing disinterest (or decreasing of such) in your overall value.

i don't know what made me think of that. actually i do. and i'm not bummed out. but, you know. still sucks, a bit.

anyway. back to these papers that, apparently, will not grade themselves.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

crush:

easy come, easy go.



love:




even with surgical removal, may never go away.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Just booked my first international trip to Europe!


So, I'm finally headed to London. And maybe that's not such a BIG big deal since I have friends that bounce around the globe at whim and are in the UK as often as I am in Cali... And maybe it's all relative considering I that I meet people who are in awe that I go to LA so often, sometimes just for the weekend. I always explain that it's really simple... just book a ticket and go, as there are ALWAYS deals and ways to make it to Cali. But then again, I never have to worry about accomodations... which is probably why people just don't up and go to LA, and why I'm just getting around to making plans to go to London.

But, the point is, I'm going! I booked a ticket, using a voucher I acquired for giving up my seat the last time I was traveling from Cali back to NYC on an overbooked flight. So my flight to LDN will come to a total of $300 and some cents. Lower than what it is to fly cross country! And I'm really very excited. My friend Chaney is there. We've been friends since freshman year. We have been confidantes and supporters of one another, and have gotten to spend time in DC, LA and NYC. So he's been insisting for years that I come and visit him there. Plus, my younger 2nd cousin? Ben is there. His grandfather is my grandmother's younger brother, Uncle Cleo. And when I moved to NYC, I developed a relationship with him and his father, Cousin Clint, in New Jersey. Ben and I both lived in the city and would kick it from time to time, even though he was very busy with work as an investment banker and sometimes worked 90hrs a week as a recent college grad. The UK called with opportunities for career advancement with the Barclays bank, and thus, he's been living there for the past two or three years. He also has extended the invitation for me to come and visit anytime, and is looking forward to hosting me when I arrive.

So, I'm thinking of how to make the most of this first trip to Europe. I think since I'll be there for five days, I'll take at least two of those days and head to Amsterdam. It looks like the train ride is 2 hours, though I'm not sure what the cost is yet.. That'll take some converting of number my brain doesn't feel like sorting out right now... But I'm loving how easy and simple it's seeming to be able to start the continent hopping stage of my life!! 2011 is my year!! I am going to London, I plan to parlay that into Holland... I'd like to also visit Paris and West Africa. Right now fares to Paris are around $730. Very affordable!!

My mom called me to ask if I'd been watching the news and was aware that Americans are being advised against travel in Europe... well, no. I don't watch network news. I do, every few days, read the Google News aggregate to see what's going on in the country and world according to headlines... but perhaps I'll look into the BBC and Al Jazeerah to see what they think of Americans visit hotspots throughout the continent of Europe. Anyway, even if it's not the best time, I don't particularly know that there will be an increasingly GREAT time to visit different parts of the world... I wish I'd done so already and was able to already reflect on my world wide travels at this point in my life... but, I have to believe, NOW is a great a time to get started as ever!!!! (Well, in four months, anyway!!)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

meanwhile regarding my 3am snack:

red apples and natural peanut butter
is a combination the Lord
would be pleased with.


{yum}

Brilliant! Babies.

I'm almost asking myself why I waited so long to see this, but I'm glad I watched tonight! This was such an insightful and entertaining look into how babies are conditioned throughout the world by simply adhering to traditional and popular customs. The Namibians, hands down, seem to answer on lock as to how to produce and rear peaceful, independent, happy offspring within their tribal haven ... while the Mongolians are neck and neck as runners up with happy babies running around the grasslands amongst the cattle and roosters sans clothed bottom. As for the American and Japanese babies... I kinda felt sorry for them a little bit, considering the "advancement" of these two cultures and the way children are raised accordingly.

But, by all means, I'm glad I finally watched it. I'm also glad that I am no closer to actually wanting one of these of my own, but I did feel warm and giggly at the precious moments, but who wouldn't!

PS SHOUT OUT to the big brother of the Mongolian baby... I hope that baby whoops his @** when he gets big enough to get that brother back!










pick up your crazy heart, and give it one more try...

......this ain't no place for the weary kind, this ain't no place to lose your mind, this ain't no place to fall behind, pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try........



(i hum this so often, without even having the song in my collection, that i thought i'd give it a home.)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I've always loved the song from these verses:

numbers 22 and 23:

Lamentations 3:22-24 (New International Version)

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.


24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.


A friend reminded me

that when you are feeling like there is so much that you want or feel like you can't change or have any control over, or just feel emotionally taxed from the world of circumstance we exist in, to do as Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane and pray that the despite what you desire in that moment or at that point in your life, you want the Lord's will to be done. And in asking the Lord to do his will, and simple believing that this will take place, circumstances will begin to reform as a result. And that ultimately, that we are to seek first the kingdom of God, and in doing so all other things will be added unto us.


It's not that I didn't know it. I totally do. But, sometimes circumstances and emotions are blinding enough to cause you to overlook these simple truths.

So, I am reminded, and I am thankful.

Monday, October 11, 2010

"...things are never as bad as they seem..."




i really feel good about

pulling off my brother's 40th birthday in a way that will be a happy memory for him. And without my even knowing it, the party ended up being a wonderful celebration for one of his boy's who turned 40 this year as well, a day or two before him. I had no idea this dude spent his birthday by himself in a very low key way. I'm not sure if it was because of choice or circumstance, but I looked at his facebook page today and realized that he told someone that his boy's sister threw "them" a birthday party and he had such a good time... It made me smile, because you never really know what you are doing for other people that ends up being significant to them. I may have my moments when I'm consumed with whatever I'm feeling in that moment, but I'm thankful to be able to look past myself and look at the bigger picture. It's dawned on me that two people I consider friends are so self consumed and wrapped up in themselves that, it's really becoming hard to engage them on a regular basis. One, I hadn't talked to him in about a month as we've both been busy. He called me a few weeks ago and I missed the call, and today I decided to go on and hit him back. He talked about himself and what he's doing the entire 7 minute conversation. Yet, in between he'd ask me what was going on, how was I doing, what guy I'm spending my time with now... But before I could really even answer any of those question with any substance, within the beat, he was talking about himself again. It was painful to listen to because he doesn't even realize it. So, I decided it wasn't even worth it to try to tell him anything, I told him that I was glad things were well, and that I'd hoped to see him soon. The other person, I'm learning that she processes information so differently than I do, and many other people. I don't even feel like going into details, but the I have a feeling our friendship as it is may be turning a corner that leads to a bit of a separation or break, even. Which is funny, cause we all know that I'm not the person who knows how to make a clean break from people. So, maybe that's not what's coming.... But, it's just interesting watching life unfold right now.

This was a happy post though, when I began, so I'll bring it full circle. It is really interesting watching life unfold right now, but I'm really excited and pleased at writing these new chapters with my brother. His life is good, and that is priceless.

i wish

i was doing a little bit better right now.
for once, i'm not worried about money.
but, the weight of everything else emo is pressing.
sometimes, anyway.

i'm so glad it will be 72 degrees today,
even if i will be in the house asleep for most of it.

i didn't sleep last night after editing 57 pages of document and watching two Grey's Anatomy episodes. In the second episode, one of the circumstances warranted the statement:
"Love isn't enough anymore..." and the person left, though acknowledging that she and the dude still loved one another. The circumstance was just too much for her and she left. That's a bit of an interesting thing to filter and rationalize. Anyway, it's a show. It's written, I know. Life is not scripted, but the scripts are based on real life experiences. .......well...
I'm... tired isn't the word.... heavyladen, perhaps.
that is my problem right now.

i was just gonna watch Fred Astaire and Cyd Carisse until I drifted off. but my eyes are already closing.
and maybe my dreams this time will be a lovely musical
starring me in Paris headlining a cabaret with Audrey Hepburn or Julie Andrews.
i mean, if i'm gonna conjure up scenes that will never actually happen, they might as well be with my favorite entertainers... maybe i'll drift into a scene of the Cosby Show this time, or Living single, or Fraser.... and have a really pleasent dream with a laugh track.

....................and when i wake up, it may be time for
a Nora Ephron film. I think I'm overdue.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

i wish i was more regular

sometimes....

whatever that means.

.....................



yeah.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Dream (10/4/10)

This one I attribute to the having stuffed my face full of Tara's bountiful cooking on Sunday night. You know, kinda like when Heathcliff Huxtable ate the meatball sandwich before it was bedtime, and wound up having a wild, muppet caper of a dream.... Yeah, like that, only there were no muppets (well other than myself):

I was sitting in my room, in bed kind of sleep or maybe just resting, reading or something of that nature. It wasn't my room in this house on Stuyvesant Avenue. It was a smaller bedroom of an actual house, and it had french doors that opened into a backyard patio garden. The doors were open though screened, as it was a sunny spring day, and so a warm breeze filled the room. And then, entering from the garden, a group of people started coming into the room. I was so startled though I didn't feel at danger. They weren't intruders and seemed to know what they were doing coming into my room. They slowly filed in, and it seems I figured out they were actors because they started acting out a scene, right there in my bedroom. I don't remember what the scene was specifically. (Considering that the night before I'd gone to see a reading of eight or so monologues with people confessing secrets to the audience, it feels like this was the nature of the scene going on my room.) At first I tried to get someone's attention to ask why the heck they were in my room, of all places, doing theatre. Though none of them looked familiar they felt familiar, so I became fully engrossed in the scene.

I can't determine how long this went on... because it wasn't a long dream, but I know sat on the edge of my bed, slightly confused yet captivated by these actors in my room. The doors were still open, and I didn't notice the next person to slip into the room as my attention was focused on the strange scene taking place. And then, I felt his presence close behind me and get closer as he began to kiss me allowing me to fully recognize who he was. When I did realize who it was, the tears started to stream, overwhelmed with surprise, joy and, most of all, satisfaction. The satisfaction came from the look in his eyes as they mirrored exactly what I was feeling - and have been feeling for years. It was also a satisfaction of the me in the dream having moved on from this person, yet he had somehow moved back around to me. In the dream, it wasn't an illusion that this was the first time I could see how sure and deliberate his actions were in that moment. Within seconds, he was on his knee in front of me.

I woke up before the rest of the scene unfolded into some kind of precious romantic proposal. I woke up but continued lying in my warm bed thinking about what I'd just experienced in my dream. It was only a dream and therefore didn't excite me, nor did it make me sad. I moreso wondered why on earth I would conjure up such a scenario, and was a bit disappointed that I would [still] be dreaming about this person, especially in that capacity. Because I already know this is not a foreshadowing of anything of this sort taking place with this person. And that's something I purpose to accept more and more each day, week, and month of my current life.

At the very least, it was a warm, sweet representation of the kind of experience of love I believe in, even if never have experienced. I saw a scene in my life that has yet to happen, yet at some point can be a reality -the circumstance, if not the details.

I'm not waiting for a proposal from anyone. I don't even have the kind of connection with anyone at this point in my life that would yield a man asking for my hand in marriage. I think it's fly to be a freebird right now, and I swallow the melancholy of being companionless while chasing it with the enchantment of weaving the wonderful life I want without answering to or for a significant other.

I guess you start to dream about proposals, or being married to someone, or having youngins (which I've not dreamed about the latter two, or at least I don't remember, Thank God) once you reach a certain point in your life, whether they are something you have a strong, active desire for or not. But, I suppose, in the same way that I accept and re-accept....... and re-accept... that significant-other-type of love is just not available for me right now, I understand that such a dream is just that: a dream that cannot, will not, and should not be attributed to anything going on in my reality.

(....feelings of any kind of destiny-related connection to any one man, notwithstanding.)

Sunday, October 03, 2010

If you were a 90's hip-hop artist

And you met a girl at a party late one night in Brooklyn, would you make a big deal to make sure she knew that you were THAT mc from THAT group if she didn't recognize you?

:D yeah...... to be a fly on the wall of my life!

So I was hanging out with my homegirl at her husband's party (...or was I at my homeboy's party hanging out with his wife? anyway...) and there was a guy there with the couple of other people I knew... We said hello earlier, then as the night went on and I kept getting my dancing machine on, my homegirl suggested I dance with ole boy. (Actually, she was trying to keep me away from this other fella who was vying for my attention.) So, of course I oblige and in the meantime of dancing, we start chitchatting away. Some kind of way he asked me how old I thought he was, and I threw out, thinking surely I have no idea, that he was 42. He was like, Why did you say that? because it turns out that he was, infact, 42! After asking me what I thought the Lotto numbers were (hee hee, funny!) we talked some more and I aksed him his name again. He was like, "Wait, how old are you?" and I told him I am 31. So he used that to assess that I just MAY know who he was based on the height of his career taking place during my teenage years... and that was.... cute... a bit presumptuous or even arrogant, maybe, but cute because I did recognize the name. So we talked a little bit more, but I knew I'd have to come home and actually Youtube one of their songs so that I could put a frame of reference with the name..... So, here's to the guy from the 90's group Nice'n'Smooth who really tried to holla tonight, and who I gave my number, ..............just for fun! (I don't know if he's still trying to be a rapper, I don't know if I'll see him again- especially on a one on one basis-, I don't know if he even cares... but, it was randomly cool to meet him!)


Saturday, October 02, 2010

(....sigh) How strong love is.



One day................ unless this doesn't exist in reality.
(because it does exist in my mind.)

but.

if it does..

one day.




(acknowledges mellow-dramatic feelings related to this song,

somewhat in the vein of a brimming tear,

turns over to go back to sleep.)


---------------------------------------------------


If I were that sun up there
I would glow with love, oh darlin', everywhere
I'd even be the moon when the sun goes down
So you could see, oh darlin I want you to see that I'm still around...

If I were a weeping willow
I would cry til I drowned in my own tears
Just so you could go swimming as long as you would live
I'd even be the rainbow after all my tears were gone
Then I'd wrap you up in my colors, oh baby, just to keep you warm....

If I were a star, I would shine so far away
you see, I don't want you stumbling around in the darkness
I'll light your darkness, as you travel alone
If you said you needed me baby,
Here's what I'd do
I would do without anything in the world for you baby, yes I would
just so I could be there with you
If you said you needed money,
ain't no limit to what I'd do
I would walk eight days a week for you baby
If you told me that seven days wouldn't do, oh baby...

Ain't that loving you?
That's how strong my love is.