Sunday, June 13, 2010

i haven't fully unpacked.

i think part of the reason, psychologically speaking, is that right now i feel like if i fully unpack my life and settle into this new apartment, it will increase the chances that i will remain settled into this apartment by myself five years from now, no closer to my dreams or my love. i feel so wounded right now, more than i have in a long time. i don't know what it is that's overwhelmed me in the moment. too many love stories and sitcoms and romantic comedies with happy endings that dictate in my mind the way it should be in my life right now. too many wedding invitations (so far i've been to one out of four this year) and time spent with friends content with their relationships. i'm not a jealous person, and i'm not envious of anyone's relationship with the next person, don't want nobody else's man... but i am overwhelmed right now with the sense of not belonging to anyone, actually feeling completely rejected, when i want to belong to someone, the one i love. i very much have the "oh lover where can you be" blues. and what any of this has to do with me not unpacking, i have no idea. makes no sense, and i know i have to get it done. but i just don't want to be in this apartment another five years by myself. we get along well, myself and i, she- my self-keeps me quite entertained, strange being that i am. but this immense capacity to share love just seems waisted without a significant other. but that's not altogether true either. i love God with all of my heart, and i have to trust that even if i am here another five with myself, he will be with me and I will be okay. but i've seen the look of loneliness amongst individuals who love God but have no significant other. i don't like that look and want no parts of it, even as i see it within myself right now regardless of the number of family and friends i have around. there was one person who did it for me and i'd hoped to eventually build a home with that person. so i don't feel the urge to unpack my boxes here, even though i will. because i have to be logical right now.

i can't even determine if any of these ramblings are even making sense. but it's coming from a very real place.

(sigh.)

in other news, i really did enjoy myself tonight with my cousin and her girls.

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