i miss my grandmothers.
i really do.
i took a look at mommae's glasses just now. the ones they decided not to lay her to rest in. the ones i just lucked up on getting because my aunt randomly asked if i wanted to keep them when i'd only asked to see them after learning she was not, in fact, buried in them. i don't have a habit of taking them out out the case. i don't even think i've looked at them since january. but for some reason, i noticed the case amongst my ordered clutter of a bedroom, and decided to take them out and put them on for a few moments. that's when the tears started to spring a leak. i've been thinking about them both all day. mommae and gran gran. it was weird, i mean definitely weird when valentine's day came around and i didn't get a card from either one of them, because they typically, along with my mom and sometimes my brother, are the only one's who wish me some kind of valentine's day well wish. this year i didn't didn't receive cards from any of the above; not that it made me feel un-loved or un-special on such a superficial non-holiday, but it was noticeable not receiving cards from my two grandmothers, specifically, if no one else.... my birthday is next friday; i've been wondering why i've not been compelled to plan any grandiose coast to coast plan of action like i do every year-- The Oh Mai Goodness Birthday Celebration: Volume 31-- but i haven't. no desire to "plan" anything, least of all a party. (shrug) i don't know what it is. my brother said maybe this is my leap year, my decision to leap over planning a big soiree shindig and just lay low. i don't know. maybe at the last minute i'll invite a few friends to meet me somewhere and "do" something. but i just am not feeling it right now. today, while riding to campus, i was thinking about how it will be the first time i will not get a card, a phone call, any well wishes of love from either one of my grandmothers. that's going to be weird. i never did ask my parents how they felt experiencing birthdays in late january and late february of this year, without hearing from their own mothers. i'm sure the first one is always the hardest, while perhaps all of them will be irregular from here on out, i presume.... i can't say for sure that THAT is the reason why i feel a lack of urge to create some big celebratory experience for myself this year. i'm just, not feeling it right now*. i'm sad. and while i'm not sad all the time, i kinda am sad to a certain degree, all the time. mourning, i suppose, is not something that goes away in a matter of weeks or months, unless you specifically delineate time by weeks and months. sometimes time is just.... time. no matter how long it takes. especially when you have no way of telling when anything will occur. when (if) you'll get married. when (if) you'll have children. when (if) the projects you've been developing will fully come into fruition. when (if) later will be ever become now. my heart is heavy right now. and i wish it was pms, but i can't even blame it on that physiological chemical imbalance of a problem at this moment. i just need a hug, and a good night's rest. long sleep and some [more] good music. i went to a show last night, janelle monae, and it was extraordinarily inspiring for a number of reasons i'm too tired to elaborate on. but i'm looking forward to more good music tomorrow night at the Blue Note. and maybe that hug, too. that will be nice.
*i would like to point out that most days, if not everyday, i do find something to celebrate about life in general and rarely wait until my birthday to celebrate the fact that i'm alive another day. that celebration in and of itself is experienced in the way i life life peering through these rose-colored glasses. this year, though, i'd like to celebrate something that will truly be new, truly be an accomplishment, a significant change of lifestyle or something of the sort. perhaps that will be my next big celebration, when something has really truly changed in a major way, with the sparkles and "tah-daaaaahhss" and "waah-laaahhhsss" and such. create something magical and celebrate it with a party party with sparkles and bubbles, and maybe even costumes and masks and feathers and all kinds of other whimsical elements (did i just describe a Cirque du Soleil show???). that's what i'm looking for.