Sunday, April 25, 2010

Today’s peculiar dream

I was leaving my cousin’s house who just so happens to live up on like 125th or 135th street. I was there because it seemed to be some kind of family event where literally everyone was there, including my grandmother. And she’d made all the food, well most of the food, along with my aunts. But the gathering was at my cousin Jackie’s apartment in an upscale condo with floor to ceiling windows. Food was all over ever countertop, kind of like the last Christmas holiday dinner we just had. It seems two things, this gathering was taking place in the middle of the day during the week, because I had to leave early to get to school for a class that I was taking; and also that someone had had a baby in recent months because before I left the apartment, there I was on the floor playing with a baby boy around 9 months old, and I ended up putting him to sleep. I remember thinking that whoever was watching would think I would one day be a good mother because I put him to sleep so easily. But I was holding him, I think, and when I went to take him to my Aunt Jessie, who was his Nana, he started to wake back up… inconsequential detail, but I remember that. So after I hand the baby over, I start making my plate to go and Mommae is making sure I get yams and greens and the stuff she knows I like. And my uncle is like, “You’re taking all that heavy stuff??” and saying things that would discourage me from taking it, but I definitely wanted all of that food. So I comment as I’m leaving that I hope I make it to the 4/5 train so that I can get down to my transfer and make it to campus, but I can’t tell where that transfer was supposed to take place or where the campus is actually located from my dream. I ended up saying something to my uncle like, “Yeah, I hope I make it with all of this food I’m trying to take out,” and I think I was hoping he’d offer a ride, but he didn’t.

I end up leaving the apartment and walking down the hallway to where the elevator and fire-escape doors to the stairwell are. I definitely had a first mind to just go down the stairs and I even cracked the door open, but I was sure if an alarm would go off, causing problems, or if I would get into the stairwell and have problems getting out of it if the other door was locked when I got to the ground level. I always seem to have these kinds of apprehensions when contemplating using stairwells in buildings I’m unfamiliar with, although the stairs are supposed to be the safest way to move from floor to floor. Anyway, there are three elevators, and when I decided not to take the stairs I saw that one of the three was close to the floor I was on, so when I pressed the button, the doors opened immediately. I thought, “Great! I’ll get down to the first level and out of the door faster than if I’d taken the stairs.” And that, I did….

I stepped into the elevator, and as soon as the doors closed, it started to descend more quickly than any lift I’d ever been in. It was moving down the floors too fast to stop at the ground level, so I did not know what to expect when I go there, and I was the only person in the elevator. When it got to the 1st floor, the elevator shaft doors opened up, but the elevator neither stopped nor opened the doors so that I could exit. It kept going! Out of the elevator shaft, through the lobby and out of the front door of the building; the daggone elevator, with me in it, turned into some kind of forward moving vehicle with its own mode of operating. Folks in the lobby were jumping out of the way while the thing was headed toward the door, and once it was out of the building, all I could do was watch it take me down 9th Avenue. So, the elevator is full speed ahead, while not communicating any reason why it’s kidnapped me, and I can see that we’re headed down the street, because it’s an all glass elevator, but I can hardly fathom why I would be in this predicament. This thing is really taking me for a ride! But this precarious joyride the elevator decided to take felt like it was going to cause me my life. So this thing is accelerating forward through traffic and heavy intersections, but manages to miss any moving vehicles or pedestrians, until it decides to head straight for a bus that is letting passengers off. Now, for some unknown reason, the doors to let passengers on and off are on the traffic-side of the bus, instead of facing the sidewalk, so now you have about twenty commuters milling about trying to get on and off the bus, and here’s this demented contraption that’s got them as a target, and me trapped inside. So at the point where I realize this elevator is headed for them, and there’s nothing I can do about it, I laid flat on the floor and braced myself for the collision. And it did bulldoze through the people, who went flying like bowling pins, but it didn’t collide into the bus. But then, it still keeps going down the street, leaving a trail of victims. So, then, it’s advancing down the street and ends up turning left into this mini-market mall kind of parking lot (clearly, not something you see in NYC) and bo-gaurding into things, but I’m still laying flat on the floor, and therefore, not being thrown around or getting hurt.

So, finally, I see, literally, a window of opportunity, because I notice a window pane in the front is missing. I don’t know if it crashed out or it was always missing, but it’s no longer there and I see it as an option for escape. Somehow my bag strap has become wrapped around something that is preventing me from me from grabbing it and getting the heck out of there, so I have to maneuver the strap in order to get it loose; apparently, in the dream, it is not an option to LEAVE THE BAG. But I don’t want the elevator to know that I’m trying to get my bag loose and jump ship; not that it’s even said anything to me, or me to it, but the simple fact that it kidnapped ME is enough to determine that I shouldn’t be conspicuous with my attempt to escape. Meanwhile, I do manage to get the bag loose and notice that it’s slowed down a bit while in this parking lot; I actually think it is revving up with the goal of charging through another group of people, so as it’s revving, it promptly climb out of the elevator through the missing window pane, just in time for it to bulldoze through another group of bystanders. But, thank God, I was out.

My shoes, on the other hand, were still in the elevator. But since we were in a mini-mall, I noticed a Payless in the vicinity. And it just so happened that a small 911 dispatch office was next to the shoe store, so I immediately go over to tell them what has gone on so that the police can be notified. So, here I am, barefoot and disheveled with my bag, and I’m trying to explain to one of the two dispatchers that an elevator from a building up on 125th street just kidnapped me and made its way down the street, leaving various groups of victims that it charged through, including one in the parking lot of that mini-mall. I encouraged her to go out and take a look since there were folks out talking about the incident, and even a few victims. I was also rushing the explanation to the dispatcher, considering the that the only reasons I was IN the elevator was to get down to the ground level and be able to leave and go to school. She, however, was taking her own sweet time, giving me the “Uhn, hunh…” and head nod, but not really offering some kind of assistance or solution. I’m like, “Well, are you going to call the cops or what?”

And she’s like, “Well, first I need to check your references…”

“Check my references??? …….CHECK MY REFERENCES!?!?!”

“Yes, ma’am, before I can call the police and request them to come out to investigate this incident, I need to list three people whom I can call to verify that you are of sound mind to make a report.”

“WHAT?! You’re kidding? …I don’t have time for this! I have to go to school! I’m a professor!! My class is waiting for me…,” even though I wasn’t headed to campus and teach, I was going to attend.

“Ma’am, I need three references.”

“But…. but there are people out there right now who saw the whole thing and are injured over this elevator… Oh! Wait a minute! You think I’m crazy! You want references because YOU think I’m crazy for coming in here and reporting or better yet claiming that an elevator had the cognitive ability to decide to kidnap me and run some people over… I see what you’re trying to do, well, like I said, just GO outside and LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE!”

“Ma’am, please lower your voice. Before I can do anything, I need you to give me the numbers of three individuals who will vouch for you.”

“This is insane! I’m telling you I have to go! I have class to attend… there’s a possessed elevator running rampant as we speak…”

“Your references, please?”

“Lord, have mercy, please. You’ve got to be kidding… I’m the victim, and I’m being treated like the offender…”


(How crazy was that? This is just the latest of multiple crazy dreams I’ve had in the past week. They aren’t sadistic enough to be nightmares, but they’ve been bizarre enough to question what is really going on??? I’ve never been one for bad dreams, especially chronic bad dreams. But the great thing is that I always wake up, and reality is better than whatever was going on in my dreamland. Thank God.)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I usually don't make it my business.. be up in nobody's face, ('SPECIALLY my yout-dem!)

a lot of times I figure, they crazy as
(you fill in the blank)!
let them act'n'be
as crazy as they wanna!

meanwhile, I also figure
I'm at least DOING my part
to influence the ones fresh outa high school
(wait-- is THAT why they're called
should they so decide
of their own volition
that they'd like to be influenced
in my classroom.....

and I really was not tryin to go hard this afternoon,
especially after kickin young dude out of my class for saggin his pants
(despite prior warnings of being asked to leave)

in his defense, he actually WAS participating and stuff
...but, naw! being told multiple times that
direct eye-contact with your draws is
is enough to be asked to LEAVE NOW,
and maybe think about the fact that
he's gotta pull 'em up if he wants to continue
getting something valuable out of my class....

so, i was already a live wire from that incident
on top of being at work all day,
which is something
i try NOT to do on a regular basis

and was headed home on the C at Clinton/Wash
when these two obnoxious loud (fill in the blank...
....teenagers..... i'll call them teenagers.... PREteens, even)
a boy and a girl, were rough housing on the platform.

Now, it's one thing to horse around on the sidewalk,
and even something different if you get a couple of licks in
while going back and forth on a larger platform.
but that Clinton/Washington stop??
I'll be the first to comment on how necessary it would be
to stand still, or at least like you got some sense,
and wait for the train to arrive.

but NO. these jerks wanna play fight,
running around, swinging and jumping on one another,
the girl trying to pull the pants down on the boy.

Do I say something? No.
Do the other commuters who are just tryin to get home
say anything? No.
Is the train anywhere in sight? No.
Do these two tweedledumbs's continue on
with their tomfoolery?
You already know the answer.

So then, in the middle of going back and forth
on this rather narrow platform, the jerkBoy
pulls out a lighter and starts flicking it,
even though it never quite lit.
And the jerkGirl tries to grab it from him.
More rough housing, and grabbing and
screaming and laughing. Still no train.
More annoyed looks by every adult
within earshot. Yet, more ignoring
the youth by same adults.

Then jerkBoy takes the lighter, grabs jerkGirl's sweater
and starts tryin to flick the flame while holding it to the material.
The flame doesn't spark, so the material doesn't catch fire,
and jerkGirl swings on the boy and tries/fails to grab the lighter.
but then jerkBoy grabs her by the sweater again
and flicks the lighter with delight in trying to see if it will, indeed, catch flame.

And that's what did it.
THAT'S when I was like,
"Ay, yooo, wait a minute, furreal? Put that away!"

he ignores me. She laughs.
he continues flicking the lighter.
i'm oblivious to him. a nobody. certainly
no one he should acknowledge, let alone, listen to.

"Ay, what are you tryin to do? Nobody in here
is trying to get hurt by your fire. Put that away!"

he ignores me.

"Put your lighter away!"

jerkGirl laughs.
jerkBoy steps to the edge of the platform and spits a loogie onto the tracks.

I guess if he was really feelin' himself, he would have spit at me? I don't know. but at least he stopped with that lighter bullsh!t

Not only playing with a lighter in the subway station full of people at 5:50 in the afternoon, but actively trying to start a fire on a garment worn by your little girlfriend...... That's just sick.
like i said, i'm not one to be up in nobody's face, especially these crazy-butt-kids.

but, sometimes, i guess you just gotta go with the feeling and understand that what you say, if even in the smallest, undetectable measure, will somehow make a difference in the situation.

MEANWHILE, i wish a kid WOULD hold a lighter up to my sweater and start flickin' the flame.... it'd be straight LIGHTS OUT.

Somebody git' mah BELT.

Friday, April 09, 2010

*tears* (light misty ones, anyway)

i miss my grandmothers.

i really do.

i took a look at mommae's glasses just now. the ones they decided not to lay her to rest in. the ones i just lucked up on getting because my aunt randomly asked if i wanted to keep them when i'd only asked to see them after learning she was not, in fact, buried in them. i don't have a habit of taking them out out the case. i don't even think i've looked at them since january. but for some reason, i noticed the case amongst my ordered clutter of a bedroom, and decided to take them out and put them on for a few moments. that's when the tears started to spring a leak. i've been thinking about them both all day. mommae and gran gran. it was weird, i mean definitely weird when valentine's day came around and i didn't get a card from either one of them, because they typically, along with my mom and sometimes my brother, are the only one's who wish me some kind of valentine's day well wish. this year i didn't didn't receive cards from any of the above; not that it made me feel un-loved or un-special on such a superficial non-holiday, but it was noticeable not receiving cards from my two grandmothers, specifically, if no one else.... my birthday is next friday; i've been wondering why i've not been compelled to plan any grandiose coast to coast plan of action like i do every year-- The Oh Mai Goodness Birthday Celebration: Volume 31-- but i haven't. no desire to "plan" anything, least of all a party. (shrug) i don't know what it is. my brother said maybe this is my leap year, my decision to leap over planning a big soiree shindig and just lay low. i don't know. maybe at the last minute i'll invite a few friends to meet me somewhere and "do" something. but i just am not feeling it right now. today, while riding to campus, i was thinking about how it will be the first time i will not get a card, a phone call, any well wishes of love from either one of my grandmothers. that's going to be weird. i never did ask my parents how they felt experiencing birthdays in late january and late february of this year, without hearing from their own mothers. i'm sure the first one is always the hardest, while perhaps all of them will be irregular from here on out, i presume.... i can't say for sure that THAT is the reason why i feel a lack of urge to create some big celebratory experience for myself this year. i'm just, not feeling it right now*. i'm sad. and while i'm not sad all the time, i kinda am sad to a certain degree, all the time. mourning, i suppose, is not something that goes away in a matter of weeks or months, unless you specifically delineate time by weeks and months. sometimes time is just.... time. no matter how long it takes. especially when you have no way of telling when anything will occur. when (if) you'll get married. when (if) you'll have children. when (if) the projects you've been developing will fully come into fruition. when (if) later will be ever become now. my heart is heavy right now. and i wish it was pms, but i can't even blame it on that physiological chemical imbalance of a problem at this moment. i just need a hug, and a good night's rest. long sleep and some [more] good music. i went to a show last night, janelle monae, and it was extraordinarily inspiring for a number of reasons i'm too tired to elaborate on. but i'm looking forward to more good music tomorrow night at the Blue Note. and maybe that hug, too. that will be nice.

*i would like to point out that most days, if not everyday, i do find something to celebrate about life in general and rarely wait until my birthday to celebrate the fact that i'm alive another day. that celebration in and of itself is experienced in the way i life life peering through these rose-colored glasses. this year, though, i'd like to celebrate something that will truly be new, truly be an accomplishment, a significant change of lifestyle or something of the sort. perhaps that will be my next big celebration, when something has really truly changed in a major way, with the sparkles and "tah-daaaaahhss" and "waah-laaahhhsss" and such. create something magical and celebrate it with a party party with sparkles and bubbles, and maybe even costumes and masks and feathers and all kinds of other whimsical elements (did i just describe a Cirque du Soleil show???). that's what i'm looking for.

Saturday, April 03, 2010


I missed March... my thoughts must've been so all over the place that they never made it to the blogosphere. Well... maybe this month I'll have more to say.

Happy Spring. I'm glad you're here.