Thursday, December 03, 2009

i was going to sleep, but then the words began to flow.

--for all the girls who won't demand he "put a ring on it", and for those who understand that the answer is not in the Steve Harvey book, but that it IS out there somewhere... AND for those, who are neither, but do relate.

here we are

thirty year old school girls

we’re girls, in love

chasing it like windmills or butterflies, with nets

waiting for it

from the boys we love

living in careers that we’d sacrifice

for husbands and children and a passionate companionship

that lasts forever

because we come home alone

indefinitely.


here we are

thirty two, thirty five, thirty eight years old,

not feeling old, not BEING old,

but feeling and being old enough to build a life

with a person of significance.

independence is championed and self sufficiency esteemed,

but the truest, sometimes loudest, sometimes quietest desire

is to be dependent on that partner of life

we definitely do believe exists,

and why wouldn’t we?


here we are, forty four, fifty two years old

making decisions we don’t want to make

because of experiences we never thought we’d have

and why? because we didn’t want to settle for something

that didn’t reach the level we once had? or maybe never did?

or maybe did and didn’t work out, or died,

or was mishandled by all parties involved.


we never dreamed it’d be this way.

we never imagined we’d be so easy to sleep on,

so easy to discard, that we’d be the ones they decided

they could live without. that is not what we thought.

but often that is who we are, who we become.


here we are,

school girls longing for the boy who makes us swoon,

longing to mature from school girl to [cherished] wife,

to be the strong woman behind the that man;

the one who is honored to have what we’ve got.

we want the cliché, the fairytale, the dream,

the situational comedy of real love with minimal drama…

the imperfection of a life spent molded with his,

sharpened and fueled by one another,

the way we’ve always dreamt. even when

we see countless friends and loved ones

and folk we don’t know, and ourselves fall victim to

marriage and relationships that crumble

under the strain of weighted life… we are still waiting for our turn

to get it right.


and so we wait. we work. we date. we don’t. we leave the country. we find new cities. we change our jobs. we go to the gym, then to the club, then to church. and back to work. we have babies.

we get jaded. and entertain ourselves. we do the things we want to do, and go on trips together, cosigning on shared experiences that we wished weren’t so.

or we just live each day waiting to see how the dream unfolds. with hope. with expectation. waiting for the moment we can share with our world that we are finally a part of that –ultimate– “We.” and that it was worth the wait.


for some of us girls longing for love, we learn to enjoy the journey as it is, acknowledging and sometimes ignoring the lonesome and confusing moments, accepting allusions of love when they flutter by in the form of someone we could spend our lives with—if even for a short time, and when it dissipates we wonder when a more solid form will appear, and if it will show up for good. for others of us, the journey has even portion of bitter with the sweet, because the thought that something is missing is too overwhelming… while, still, we wait.


but we’re here.

we’re here.



--

DISCLAIMER:

for the record, i don't like this poem. i love it¸ but i wish i hadn't've written it. i'd like to believe that i am not a part of the "we" in this poem, but by all accounts, i'm sure I, THE PERSON, am represented somewhere in these words – especially since i wrote it. nevertheless, maybe now that it's out, i can go to sleep.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That is so beautiful and elegant... thank you for posting this!

The sad thread of us ladies wanting & hoping for good love and companionship exists not just for single girls but married ones too, you know? Maybe more for the married ones. Because it's harder to hope that he just hasn't come along yet. And with children in the picture, meeting life's demands often means we have to put our needs for such on a backburner.

You have identified a universal longing... beautiful poem.

Anonymous said...

sad, haunting, but assured and present. very aptly put.
i don't know how to put what i'm going through, my singleness, into words, but this is close.
Thanks for sharing this.

Mai~Goodness said...

i'm really grateful that you two commented on this poem. i wasn't sure about it, and i didn't intend to write it, but when i closed my eyes to sleep, the words began to come. so, thank you for recognizing that it's more than just a "sad girl" poem, but just a commentary on a real experience we all face.

Anonymous said...

I love it Mai. I almost cried. It is much too early for you to consider yourself apart of the "We" I say this even though I'm still in my 20's and am running away from but living the "we" everyday.
Its ok. The "Complete" happens when you least expect it. It happens to the mature that lived the "we" for so long that they are smart enough to know that "complete" is what they need. It happens to the young man or woman that stumbled and allowed the other to patch up their wounds so that they could heal. As long as "it" happens. And I believe "it" will.

On a side note Mai, I know how you think somewhat from conversations we've had in the past. Its very similar to my thought patterns which are starting to change. I'm looking at love more like a business venture. More like a CEO would. I have to do whats best for the company. We need profits to sustain (not just monetary), we need the workers to pull their weight (in every way imaginable) or in this economy you might get FIRED! But unlike a corporation I have much compassion and I'm starting to realize in my maturity that PERFECTION does not exist. I wish men would see that Beyonce is not walking the streets every damn day lol. We just have to know what is MOST important to us.

Anyway I've gone on for long enough. Luv ya girlie:)
-Diandra

Mai~Goodness said...

:) D, your comments made me smile wide. thank you. :)