Monday, August 31, 2009

in the middle of a conversation on love

with a friend that i occasionally spend time with, he shared a simple truth* as seen from his perspective:

i'd rather deal with a lonely heart than a broken one.

*a truth as it pertains to having reached a certain age though a marital relationship has yet to unfold. the general conversation was surrounding the thought that neither one of us wants to deal with a divorce once finally married, and thus choosing to remain single as long as necessary until it is clear that you actually want a life time commitment with a particular individual. i didn't expect him to share that it's sometimes lonely on this single-and-dating side of a life long commitment, especially when it seems that your options are not as viable as you'd like (even if you do call yourself having options). i, myself, have guys to spend time with, but none have developed into committed relationships that are leading to matrimony, and the same can be said of my friend and the ladies he chooses to spend time with. yet, and even still, i'd prefer the lonely heart that desires a lifetime love than being broken-hearted over a failed marriage that i thought would last.

Monday, August 17, 2009

i wish

i had a little better indication of where i will be in say, five years.

five years ago, august 2004, i was a few weeks from starting my mfa program at slc.

and now look how much has/hasn't happened since then.

i can't say that i've planned for this life that is unfolding in real time.

i'm no good with the "planning" of futures*. my plans, what little i have planned, has never even come close. i planned to move to atlanta after college. i planned to go to west africa with the peace corps. i planned to have a stable job and stay long enough to pay all my bills on time and have something left over to save and maybe think about buying some property. or something. maybe i didn't plan for that, but i've always liked the idea.

my life is categorically incapable of being planned out. maybe i prefer it that way, maybe it's more problematic than necessary.

i planned to [decide to] stop loving this boy. now i plan to [decide to] love him forever. (come what may. or what may never come.)

some days i wonder what is really going on in this reality of mine. like, this is not reality, is it? is this the way i'm supposed to be living? dreaming? pining? spinning? in all directions, though somewhat forward, somewhat diagonal, somewhat circular, somewhat erratic, having the time of my life?


i read memoirs and autobiographies of very successful creative people who had very questionable starts, somewhat akin to my own, and i take comfort in the fact that perhaps i really am leading the life i was born to lead. (not that i'm really questioning it. i've tried the other reality and the quixote in me desired to roam free.)

my name means LIFE. i'm living life. i could be doing a better job at it, but i'm LIVING it in full color, with my nerves turned outward so that i FEEL what i'm living. almost too intensely, i'm feeling this life, here.

i'm not afraid to say what i want. i want to spend the rest of my life with the man that i prefer to love. i want to publish many things. i want to sing while i play the piano. i want to beat the djembe in rhythm. i want to see the other six continents. i want a house with a veranda where i can hang windchimes and a hammock. i want to learn a few more languages. i want to swim in the ocean exercising my mermaid skills a little more often and i want to ride a motorcycle. that's all i want.

in my first thirty years, i've come close to starting most of those things. like, i kinda get to do that stuff. i kinda spend my time with the man i love, in random ways and at random times, and have been since the day we met, more or less (sometimes less than more). i write many things, i just need to get the publishing part underway. though i wouldn't practice my piano lessons as a child and therefore was made to stop taking lessons, there are many pianos around in my current lifestyle and sometimes i get to sit down with a friend and show them how well i can play the scales. i sing now more than i ever have in life, and absolutely love it, though i wish i'd further developed the talent as a child/youth. percussionist friends let me play their congas/djembes whenever i like, even though i'm often out of rhythm. or should i say unpracticed rhythm that just needs a little refinement. i've not been to any other continents yet, but i know people from all over the world and plan for my 30s (through the rest of my functional life) to be my globetrotting years. i have no idea when i'll have a house with a veranda, or where in the world that will be... but i have windchimes in my apartment and plan to get more. rosetta stone is teaching me how to say "the boy is on top of the little airplane" in twelve different languages. i'm slowly uncovering the ocean shores near the city and hear the Jersey shore would make me very content, speaking from the mermaid perspective. and, as soon as i have an extra $300 to put toward enrolling in a Motorcycle Safety Class (and the accoutrement needed to ensure safety), i to will hold a coveted M-endorsement.

So. i mean..... i'm doing alright i suppose, at the end of the day. you can only live one day at a time. even if you plan the next five years. and if you don't plan them, you still will only live one day at a time. so i'm doing alright.

things i know for sure:

if, for whatever reason, i am to leave here, be called away from this existence as we know it, sometime sooner than anyone ever thought, then know that my life has been full of beauty and love and whimsy and grace and splendor (which has greatly outweighed the melancholy and struggle and disappointment and uncertainty--even when it seems the scales are even). and that i thank God right now for allowing me to recognize it at this moment. because i will thank him face to face one day as well, but i'd like this record to reflect that whatever happens, i've had a good life.

*though i maintain the non-planning nature in which i exist, i'd like to point out that perhaps being a complete visionary trumps being a planner... to some degree, anyway.

Friday, August 14, 2009

i feel the need to reiterate

because i haven't in a while.

pms SUCKS.

that is all.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So I got wind of this article and sent to a bunch of folk

and got some interesting responses. The article entitled, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear, is an essayist's first hand account of dealing with a rough point in her marriage when her husband was *feeling as if he no longer loved his wife and was not sure that he ever did, and also that he disliked what she'd become and wanted out of the marriage. This came out of the clear blue without any warning, after twenty some-odd years of a good life and marriage and family life together. Her reaction, a stoic "I don't believe you." (Or, as she put it, "I don't buy it.") And the poetic resolve to let her husband go through what he was going through while refraining from causing detrimental, long term harm to their family. After four months of his midlife crisis-induced meltdown and attempt to throw it all away, his rightful mind had returned. From reading the article, I'm led to believe that given the same opportunity to re-do, she'd handle the situation in the same manner.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that before I even finished reading the article I was hoping that (God forbid) in the similar circumstance with my own husband of the future, I would possess the same grace under fire and exercise my right to keep my marriage intact through the free will of both myself and eventually my husband's. In sending the article out to a few people, who in turn sent it out to a few more people, I got some interesting responses back. Most were astonished accolades at this woman's method in choosing to let him stay in the home to work through his issues, though seemingly disrespecting everything their marriage and family stood for. (Her friends, with good reason, kept trying to convince her to get an attorney, get the ball rolling, and get him out of there.) There was some mention, in the responses, of a level of low self esteem and denial, but if you actually read the article and understand exactly what she's saying to the audience, she states in no uncertain terms her method and goal for healthy resolution of her marriage, in lieu of a dissolution. Her husband tried to blame her for his pain and unload his feelings of personal disgrace and inadequacy onto her, as she put it, yet she handled the situation with paramount grace, dignity, wisdom, great self-esteem, quiet yet superior strength and unconditional love in those months that he was wreaking havoc in their life. In the grand scheme of things, his misdeed was for a total of four months (privately, she gave him six to get it together) in comparison to the twenty years they'd spent together; call me a hopeless romantic/sentimental fool, but I'd like to think that now he gets to spend the rest of his life making it up her, too!

So, here's to the essayist, Laura A. Munson, for understanding the journey of marriage doesn't necessarily end when one person has a crisis and decides leaving is the solution. At the end of the day, each man and woman that has made a commitment to one another has to determine what it means to honor that commitment when their partner has lost it (WHATEVER "IT" IS). Let us all be fortunate to find a person that will understand how to keep the marriage moving forward [with the verb of unconditional love], should we ever decide to let a crisis cloud our good judgment and threaten our stable households.

HERE'S to blessed families with healthy longevity... and no ONE way to figure out how to make your marriage WORK.

*If it's one thing I've learned is that FEELINGS do not keep a marriage together. If anything, FEELINGS are why divorce is so rampant.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Excerpt : "Sit Ubu Sit: How I went from BK to Hollywood..." by Gary David Goldberg

All successful movies or television shows seem to have one thing in common. They were all turned down, at one time, by someone, somewhere else. Columbia turned down E.T. Universal turned down Star Wars. ABC turned down CSI. Every network turned down All In The Family. At the end of the first studio screening of Breakfast At Tiffany's, featuring the haunting Henry Mancini song "Moon River", the studio head reportedly stoop up and bellowed out, "I don't know about this movie, but that eff'in song is out." And the studio notes on the first screen test of an actor named Fred Astaire read: "Can't act. Can't. sing. Can dance a little."

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Coming to a theater near you!

So! I think it's time for me to write a script entitled GUYatus, that will be loosely based on my adventures with love, and inspired by the romantic girl-gets-guy films that I adore so much! I mean, I figure the episodes that unfold in my life couldn't BE more entertaining if I made them up! AND I've been conveniently keeping this diary blog for four years now! Surely a cult classic of a tale can be woven and tailored out of all of this! Afterall, I have no idea how and when things are going to fully unfold and develop for me and a life long love.. but in writing the story I've BEEN living, perhaps I can write the story that I WANT to live!

So! Here's to the challenge of getting it all out of my head (and out of this blog) and into script format!!! Wish me luck!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

why is it august already.

.................. i'm not excited about it.

or maybe, i actually don't mind so much at all.