Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I could've SWORN I posted this already...

but apparently I have not. So I'll take this opportunity to poignantly point out that I was born to dance in this scene. Unfornately, for me, I was conceived two years after the film was made....:

Watch Emerald City Sequence - Green, Red, Gold in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

relax. relate. delete.

i've never been one to sever ties, but i think i've started deleting people out of my life. and that is probably a good thing. i certainly don't mean no harm, but you can't hold on to everyone. lord knows i've tried to make some relationships work. but. at some point you gotta let things be. and even more worthwhile, sometimes you gotta make things be. and if that means making them be so that they are no longer a part of your existence, then so be it. i don't like losing people, but at the same time, i don't like being taken.. for granted... for a ride... advantage of... for a fool.

and release.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

I'm feeling some kind of way

about this song. i'd like to further explain, but i'll just say: this song feels like love. melancholy. unrelenting. wildly passionate. hungry. steady. like a heartbeat. the bass sways like my heartbeat. like heavy breath. sighs. there are no smiles in this song. but i feel the love. the lyrics make me want to cry, but not a sad cry. maybe it makes me want to sit by the window seal on a rainy day. waiting for love. "don't stay away too long..." dag.

White Turns To Gray - Bilal

Friday, July 03, 2009

Godwinks and a Guy-aitus.

I intend to go on a guy-aitus this summer. And this is a good thing :)

I read a book over the past two days called When God Winks on Love. It was suggested to me by two or three different individuals who insisted my serendipitous events surrounding the man I love was similar to the real life stories recounted in the book by SQuire Rushnell. So, I finally went by the NYPL to see if they had it. Oddly enough (though I believe SR would call it a Godwink!), the catalog indicated that the book would not be in the library on that day. I can't remember the reason, but I decided to note the # and look on the shelf anyway, and wouldn't you know, it was right there! I walked over to the Hudson River and sat by the water reading the first few chapters.

The book is basically 200someodd pages of When Harry Met Sally stories from different couples from around the world and how they came to meet and live out their lives as soulmates because of God's Global Positioning System. Denzel and his wife Pauletta were mentioned, as well as other well known and unknown couples. It was reassuring to read the stories, because I really do believe in the soulmate experience, though I rarely call it that, nor do I state that I'm "looking for my soulmate", if you know what I mean. It's so cliche' to use that term, so I tend not to. But the essence of what that term "soulmate" means, I totally believe and expect that level of relationship to unfold in my own life. Always have. SR's book assures that the experience of meeting your soulmate occurs through a number of coincidental/serendipitous signs that indicate you're on the right path with this person. He believes that all individuals who end up developing a relationship with the person they later determine to be their soulmate experience Godwinks along the way, in some form or fashion, that confirm this is the person for them. And I believe/understand where he's coming from. The stories he recounts in his book unfold in that "OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW COULD THAT HAVE HAPPENED!" manner that is almost too coincidental to believe but is also too serendipitous to fabricate. I, for one, understand that coincidences are God's way of letting you know that, in the middle of this BIG OLE UNIVERSE, he's paying close attention to YOU.

Long before I ever heard of this book, I used to remark that God was winking at me every time I looked up and saw the number 416 on a digital clock, building address or on a subway car (or any other random place I tend to see it). Naturally, 416 is my date of birth, and the frequency of which I've seen it over the years literally caused me to think, God must be winking at me! Never knew that there was a book by the same title (When God Winks on Love is actually the second book in the series, the first having the same title sans "on Love".) Along with the sightings of four sixteen, my life over the past few years would make me the posterchild for Godwinks; so many coincidental, serendipitous, happenstancial (is that a word?), "there's no way this is happening" type of things have occured that I don't even question it anymore. I just say, "Thank you Lord" and keep it moving. Maybe it's what's meant by "All things work together", divine order, steps being ordered, and all the other biblical principles that I believe as truth. But SOMETIMES, my mind is completely blown at the intricacies of the Godwinks in my life. The whole saying a person's name in conversation and then they walk into your path hours later (that happened the first night I met Raphael Saadiq! I mentioned to a friend that I dont know what I would do if I ever met him, and then I went out to a party and he was there that very night!!! I asked him if I could join his band!!), or talking about someone all afternoon then getting an email from them saying they'll be here in two weeks and would love to see you (which happened yesterday!), THAT still blows my mind when it happens. Or how about looking at a place on the map and thinking "I'd like to go there one day", then agreeing to take a ride with someone days later only to find out en route that you're headed to the place you saw on the map! I mean, really, the winks from God come frequently and I note them ALL. I do. How could I not (ESPECIALLY since last September I kept thinking of one of my best childhood friends who'd just had a baby, and on the very day I decided that not ANOTHER 24 hours was gonna pass without me calling her to congratulate her on becoming a new mommy, her sister called to tell me that she had passed away that morning.... if I'd just given in to my urges to call days earlier... one day ealier...)

But let me tell you why this book was REALLY assuring. Because the love that was described in this particular book is parallel to the love that I feel for an individual, a guy I've known for some time; a love I believe that I'll hold in my heart for the rest of my life. And I'm not scared, nor do I feel foolish for stating that with such certainty. It's not an intention, it's not a hope, it's just a fact; I believe that I will love this particular man for the rest of my life. That is simply what I believe. I'm not going to get into whether or not I believe we will eventually wind up together as husband and wife happily ever after, or whether or not I think he is my soulmate. But I know that I was led to read a book chroncling the lives of individuals who met their significant other and the randomly orchestrated events that drew them together in an undeniable, irreplaceable bond. We're talking "When I fall in love, it will be forever" love, and the sensationally fortutious dominoes that tipped over to draw these individuals together. AND the faith in THAT FEELING, that intuition, was as clear an indication as any that they were on the right path. And they kept living their lives on that path and found themselves boo'd up for the longhaul journey! (I'm not talking ball-n-chain, I'm talkin tagteam like whoomp there it is!!) For the record, SR said that the Godwink coincidences weren't necessarily directives telling you WHAT to do, but moreso signposts to let you know that you're moving in the right direction. Of course when you decide you want to go in another direction, you stop looking at the signs on the path you're on and start looking elsewhere. (I note that because I have to say that though there have been more signs than I care to type right now indicating that I'm on a favorable path for loving the person I do, I also believe that if my heart EVER decides to let me off this path, I'll start to see signage for a significant love elsewhere. But I haven't completely fleshed out that train of thought yet because it's not my belief that my heart will be letting go of this one.)

So, in the fortunate folxs mentioned in the book, I saw parallels of my own story reflected. Only, I dont know how my story will continue to unfold, especially considering that I am not in a committed relationship with this love of my life (!), but we are in, and have been in, one another's lives and exist in a comfortable way that makes sense to me (as far as illogical matters of the heart go). At any given time he is my companion and friend, mcgyver, mcdreamy, mcfunny, wise counsel, source of help and intelligent random information/conversation, lookout, adventure, health monitor, and flat out FAVORITE person to be in the presence of. HE is my preference, flawed and awed. So. For me to feel so strongly, I just gotta have faith that I'm not crazy when it comes to the dude I'm crazy about. You know what I mean... Because I am believing for the best case scenario with THIS person. The best case scenario scenario with him is that our days will play out together, keeping one another content with unconditional love, support, affection and laughter. The next best case would be that the way I feel about him, I will be able to feel about someone else who can reciprocate it if, in fact, he never comes around. (I mean, this isn't a science, it's not mathematics, so-aside from my intuition- I really don't know the outcome.)

But it's out of my hands. He hasn't stated that he wants all of that with me. I realize that. But. he's still here. very much a part of my life. blowing my mind being his plain ol'self. Though, as things would unfold I won't be seeing him for a while as he's leaving for a couple of months. Even though I don't see him everyday, I know that I'll miss him. But I also know it is what it is. In any case, I'm feeling a guy-aitus coming on. I've been spending my time with guys I KNOW I don't want to consider spending my life with, and at this point, this casual [dating] business is for the birds. Like, I'm not looking to lock any old husband down, you know, it's just, as I explained, the point at which you KNOW without a doubt that there is a person on earth who makes you feel complete (and you actually KNOW that person and currently spend time with him)... why waste time with individuals who dont fit the bill just because they're there. Plus, I've kinda been all over the place lately. Should I listen to everyone and end blah because he isn't doing/saying blah; should I just date blah because he's around even if I know I'm not comfortable with blank about him; should I just be completely open and available right now so to increase the chances of meeting someone wow! in the midst of all these other blahs... it's all very BLAH to me right now. And I'm not amused. So, I'd rather fall back. Have fun with my platonic male friends (they ARE lots of fun, these guys). Let go of the stress, and let God. God is really the author and the finisher. That's who's writing my story, and he's not gonna write some bootleg never ending sob story where I was convinced without doubt that I loved a man who never got it until it was too late for anything to happen with someone else. I don't believe that. That is NOT my story. (Besides, as long as you're alive, it's never too late for love to bloom!) MY STORY is that the man of my DREAMS is doing whatever he* needs to do to feel like he's ready for whatever is in store for us. It just remains to be seen exactly when the man of my dreams will feel like he's ready and actually tell me. But I'm patient. So I will wait until he's ready, because I only want to do this once.

*whether it's the person I believe it to be or another man with whom my path will be orchestrated by the Most High. Like seriously, I'll take either or. Thank you very kindly.