Wednesday, June 03, 2009

man, i see

how people get caught up (and subsequently caught) in tryin to find cash in all kinds of illegitimate and questionable ways... it's enough to drive a person stone crazy applying and applying and applying and interviewing and waiting and tryin to set up interviews and waiting and not hearing nothing and checking your email every few hours and waiting and then FINALLY receiving word that though it was SUUUCCHHH a hard decision they had to make, they decided to go with the other candidate... WHAT! you're kidding me, right? like, why even mention that? that your tough choice was between me and another individual? so i can feel even more like a loser since i ALMOST had what it takes to satisfy their need and get a check in return when you barely wanted to do the gig in the first place but know you need money, so what the hey, it's only temporary... all of this is only temporary, ANYWAY..... but that's not what my mind is on, right now. right now, i'm talking about how i can SEE how easy it is to say, okay, if the individuals who have the power to give out a regular bamma job with a substantial check keep passing on my candidacy, and i need cash because what i have is dwindling, then let me find cash WHERE EVER i can find it... i'm just saying. i understand. people who _____________, or ____________, or even _____________ so that they can have enough money to pay everything on time, for the time being, until everything starts to come together, i know where they're coming from. like, i wonder if escorts and strippers or whatever actually take the money they get to pay down student debt or save a down payment for a condo, or even be able to pay their rent at the start of the month and pay all the utilities and the cable bill and buy groceries and take their clothes to the laundry AND to the cleaners or buy rosetta stone and take long trips to other countries so that they can study language and culture or whatever. that's what i would do... i dont think i have the cajones to really step outside of my moral compass in the name of being able to find supplemental cash, especially when you think of the adage (scripture?) what's done in the dark always come to the light, and ramifications, et al... but, dag. when are things going to come together????? or better yet, when will I KEEP things together on a consistant basis. i finally have a job that i like and sometimes make extra cash doing what i got my degree in, but i'm still broke as a joke and floundering. this better not be indicative of what my 30s are in going to be about. i'm only six weeks in, but sheesh.... this is... disconcerting.

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