i haven't been writing very much lately, but there's certainly been a lot running through my mind...
where to start, where do i start?
it's ten after five a.m. and i'm wide awake. why?
because my semester has ended and i'm officially unemployed for the next thirteen weeks, or at least until something gives with these random cash enhancing opportunities, aka jobs, that i'm trying to uncover. i did not do as good a job as i thought i was going to with calculating how much cash i'd have by the end of may. and so here it is, two days from the next month, and i'm tryin to keep from stressing until i can pull it together. (especially since stress causes acne and it appears my skin is finally [starting to] look as clear as it once did before moving to nyc!) i had an interview that went extremely well the week before the holiday, at one of nyc's premiere non profits that would be a good look for me professionally, and even better for the children and young adults i'll be working with if hired. the thing is, i'm known to have great interviews and then not hear back from a potential employer... i maintain that, keeping a steady job and a steady man are two things i have not completely mastered. (i somewhat kid... since my job is steady and will start back during late summer when the fall semester begins.. but then, it still reflects how my relationships with guys have a tendency to be on again, off again... go figure.)
and that brings me to my next point. of why it's twenty after five a.m. and i'm still awake. why?
boys... or should i say men. i can't figure them out, though i heartell that they are very simple creatures. after going through the past few (?) weeks of not hearing from any of the guys i'm so-called dating (?), within the past twentyfour hours i actually hear from all three bredren. a phone call, an online chat session, and get this, one who actually came looking for me at the spot he knew i'd be inclined to be at on a wednesday night... like literally, all three of them, i had not heard from in at least two to three weeks, and then between wednesday night and thursday evening, they all resurface. Like, furreal??? so, here's the thing. i like all three of them. very much. i could imagine giving it a go with any of the three of them. but here's what i know for sure about all three swinging bachelors:
one is definitely enjoying his single early 30's lifestyle, been in school for many years got his ph.d and is now getting his groove going as an in demand professional and new home owner, et al bachelor. we have a good time together between motorcycle rides and yardfests, but he's definitely not looking to settle down any time soon. he's so sweet though, and kinda came out of left field with letting me know he was digging me and has been, eight years after we'd graduated from the same college! but when he stepped back into my life i was really surprised at how well we enjoyed one another's company, and gladly welcomed him. so there it is, we have a good time, no strings attached.
the NEXT dude is a somewhat recently divorced, somewhat recently returned iraqi war vet from the midwest, rebuilding his life as a p/t civilian (still in the reserves), single man here in nyc. met him a yr ago, the day before my birthday and it was quite enchanting; he had me questioning whether people can fall in love at first sight, and what he and i have is the essence of what chemistry is between a man and a woman! he's gratuitously charming and i'm all giggles with him (although, if i'm awake, i'm generally all laughs anyway....) we have such a comfortably good time together that i could imagine seeing him all the time.. so what's the problem? he's not around all the time. not by a long shot. i maybe see him once or twice a month, even after a year, and i'm inclined to follow my gut that when he's not spending time with me, he's charming some other pretty lady (because, let all my friends tell it, he's definitely a "hottie"! and i've seen pics of him on myspace and fb all hugged up before)... i could be wrong, but hey, we're all single right? so, it's not wrong of him to enjoy the ladies at whim; however, after a year of seeing him occassionally, i've grown tired of his here today gone tomorrow motif. so, why do i bother, you ask? because i like him, i enjoy his company, and when i wanna see HIM, i wanna see him. very simple. i know that he's literally rebuilding his life also, so he's not looking for another heavy relationship any time soon though he says he would like to remarry and have children; he also says he can see me having his children, but he's not the only one who says those kind of [flattering?] things, and nothing he's doing really substantiates that he's trying to lock anything down... but, while life is taking place in real time, i accept him into my equation until i find it necessary to permanently subtract him, i suppose. he says he loves me, but i'm QUICK to correct him: he loves my company, occassionally. let's call it what it is. we're all adults.
AND THEN, there's this fella that i could really see settling down with if we continue seeing one another. i knew from jump that we share the same values, the same spiritual convictions. he came from a loving two parent home (as did the other two) desires to have one wife and a few children. everytime we're together he treats me like a delicate lady made of fine china, and i want for nothing. he's intelligent, ambitious and successful, AND is totally interested and supportive of the many fabrics that make up my life as well. on the surface we're very different (he's corporate, i'm artist), but from our first date we've been able to sit and talk for hours on end, him gazing and listening to me, me being delighted by his many family tales. he's extremely affectionate and loves to tell me about the future he wants to have with me and "our family"..... so why isn't he my man already??? because even with all of that, things ain't never just as simple as they should be. i'll just leave it at that. he came looking for me last night though because we'd hadn't spoken in a few weeks, me being upset over some things... but i'm never really mad. i don't get mad at dudes, you know. i may be upset or disappointed at something, cause that's life, it happens, but i have yet to just get all mad and indignant with a brotha, so when he came to seek me out, we talked, i listened, he insisted i had it all wrong (misunderstood his perspective), i laughed and challenged, he smiled and hugged me into his arms, we drank wine and enjoyed the show, i sang badu, he sang my praises, and then it was time for him to go.. and i've been thinking of him since, when we're going to see one another again, if it's really going to develop into something that will reach maturity, or if another year will pass and it'll still not quite be there. we haven't actually been dating a year, but we did meet in 07. he's 37 now, and i asked him why he's still single, he said he's not found the right girl yet, but he thinks he has NOW. i said, yeah, sure, after all the girls you've dated, you haven't found the right girl? he said, well, i can say the same thing to you, as gorgeous and beautifully talented as you are, you swear you don't have a boyfriend right now.. Touche! i said, because i don't, and i frankly never really do have an exact "boyfriend"... so i dropped it and just enjoyed his company. because he came expressly looking for me. but before i met his acquaintance for the evening, guy #1 called to say he'd been thinking of me and since we hadn't spoken in a while he wanted to reach out and let me know. and then hours later, guy #2 hit me on chat on some "i miss you" type vibe.... to which i responded "i know, i haven't seen you in a month..."
so, this is me and the men. i can't call it. and i won't even get into the past love that i feel will always be a love even though i'm aware that he doesn't want my love, but prefers to accept my friendship/companionship. so throw my wildcard emotions regarding THAT into the mix, and i never know what will be shuffled out when it comes to men. but the only thing i can continue to do is live from moment to moment, and when i realize that the moments are consistantly coming together with one dude in particular, i guess that will be the one i'm settling down with. (i realize that is oversimplying things, because that one love i just mentioned became said love because he was consistantly available in my life in the most delightful, lifechanging of ways for those feelings to flourish, and THEN it became apparent that LOVE was not supposed to bloom exactly. shame on me! so this stuff can be confusing. but i'm gonna keep the faith and know that i'm going to have a good life with a good brotha..) i tell you this, i'm definitely not interested in meeting any new guys. like i can't take anymore getting to know you situations for potential love affairs... i am growing weary of the casual dating scene, guy#1 says that it was the turning 30 that did it, but i was getting tired of it before then, i've just recently started being more vocal about it. i'm not LOOKING for a husband right now, but i do know that i want to spend my life with one man and that if we find ourselves on the path right now, then i welcome it. it's natural, it's what you're supposed to do. so, let one of these brothas mess around and put the right kind of action into the game that supports the playing of my favorite Guy song "Let's chill, baby let's settle down, that's what I wanna do, just me and you.." and i will be a spoken for woman. until then, man.... life is, come what may.
so money and men. money. and. men. got me up at six:eighteen a.m. i should go to sleep now, since i got all of this off of my mind's chest over the past hour. man.. an hour goes by really quickly when you're spilling your guts.
i'm going to sleep. June is almost here. and that means half of the year has come and gone. Lord have mercy. and grace. giving thanx for the blessings. looking forward. to life.