Wednesday, February 18, 2009

have i learned the lesson?

that's what people, friends or whatever keep asking me. to which i respond, "wth is the lesson i'm 'sposed to have learned?" thinking that if i don't know what the lesson is, then i did not learn it.

so, from here on in, i will purpose to have learned THIS lesson:

moving on.

i am not good with moving on. i have not moved on, i do not altogether want to move on, but that seems like the most logical lesson there would be to learn of this here situation. not happenstances and serendipitous meetings. not cherished good times and magnetic attraction. not irreplaceable feelings and the fear of never quite getting over it.

but being able to mentally move on
(when a person has told you they do not
want to be with you).

in the past week i've found myself on the listening side of a brokenheart. honestly enough, i no longer feel heartbroken, yet my heart is still extremely tender where the keloid scar has formed. but that's not what this is about. in the past few days i've been the listening ear for a 30-yr-old man who is heartbroken by a relationship that ended two weeks ago. a five year relationship with the woman he is madly in love with and wants to spend his life with. he's in complete despair and for some reason it seems that i've become the person to offer that ray of light and hope that even if he and the young sis never get back together it will not always hurt so badly, and that he'll one day be enough at peace with their separation that he'll entertain the chance to build something with someone else. OF COURSE, two weeks after the breakup he's NOT trying to hear me. but he does listen as i keep iterating "hope" to him in the most comforting and logical of ways. and whereas i feel completely unqualified to be doing so, (as i sometimes wonder if i'll spend the rest of my life loving the wrong person because it felt so right to me) it makes me feel better to encourage that he'll [eventually] get over it. and oh my, my, my this boy is going through it. he doesn't understand why it had to end with someone he grew to love and build a life with. to make matters worse, she's telling him that maybe they'll have a chance to get back together in the future but she just can't do it right now, which is even more torture for him because it's not flat out rejection. i don't know him that well, and don't know his ex-girl at all, so i can't say for sure what was and what wasn't. but from his perspective, his brokenheart is more than he wants to tolerate right now and he just wants her back. but it's basically not going to happen. not right now anyway. you never know what the future holds, but based on what he's shared i'm fairly confident in assuming they won't be back together soon. But i am completely hoping that this won't crush his spirit to the point where he becomes bitter or even calloused and uninterested and unable to accept the gift of a completely different person years later (assuming they don't get back together). to tell the truth, I HOPE they are somehow able to reconcile their relationship and go on to get married, have children and be a content family unit. Godbless the two individuals who are sure they love one another and choose not to let each other go. he asked me why it can't be more simple, why can't the person you want to be with want you, especially when you fit together so effortlessly despite all the differences?

(sigh) if he only knew how far away from knowing that answer i was........
(i simply quoted lauryn hill's the x-factor "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. loving you is like a battle, and we both end up scarred...")

anyway, if he continues to reach out, i will be an ear for him and try to limit my two cents on what may be going on while increasing my encouragement that the sun will shine again in his heart. meanwhile, i'm becoming less enthused about this whole journey of love between a man and a woman. i dont know what it takes, or rather- i don't know what it will take FOR ME [to end up with another irreplaceable someone (who definitely wants to build a life with me)]. i suppose it just...will happen... when the time comes...

..from out of my blindspot.
(the last time i FELL into love, i wasn't looking for it. and here i've been stuck trying to get the hell out of it when i'd rather just lay there and float.)

so. this is me, not looking for love. wanting to move on*. and hoping that writing these thoughts will eventually lend themselves (i.e. manifest) to the truth. (in the same way of bumping into the person you've thought about all day because they are dearly missed.)

*i must say, i am enjoying the gentlefellows that occassionally pop-up to aid in the process.


Chris Harrison said...

Wow, this sounds like an episode straight out of HU days.

Yo, Quiet is kept, I used to school that brother Bobby B, & a few other friends on the same issue of moving on and letting go.

1. This person needs to accept the fact that his relationship with that women is over. He needs to allow whatever, feelings, fantasies, etc to finally play out in his mind,(Pop in the Sade CD or whatever moody music he has, listen to the songs a few times) & get over the feelings he has for her.

2. He needs to relinquish the power from this women. The worst thing a man/women can do is tell that other person that "maybe they'll have a chance to get back together in the future but she just can't do it right now".--NO! In order for the healing process to begin he must let go of that very thing with is still hurting him. I read a book a while back called the "Nature of Conflict". It mentioned the four stages of conflict--Stability, confrontation, creation & growth. To break it down further:Earth, water, Fire & air.

This dude is stuck in the (water) phase, meaning he is in the depths of despair dealing with his emotions over this woman. He will never begin to heal until he lets go & starts thinking positively and moving forward(fire) to bring about change (air) and get his life back (earth).

3. You know Mai, eventually you will have to let this dude go and allow him to heal on his on. By you being his listening ear, while it can be helpful, it can also be harmful. Especially if he is still acting off his emotions & still trying to hold on to something that for all other reasons is lost.

4 "meanwhile, i'm becoming less enthused about this whole journey of love between a man and a woman".--NO! Do not let this dude diminish your spirit concerning the possibilities of love between a man & a woman. His experience, pain or suffering is not yours to bear. Do not allow his energy to rub off on you. Your journey to find love is your own to bear and not the thoughts, or experience of others.

Whenever, i listen to my friends who were going to bad marital issues, I had to learn how to develop a "healthy disconnect" from their situation. While, i can provided an ear to listen to, I also had to learn how to totally detach myself from their situation and get it out of my mind. I didn't not allow any thoughts or possibilities of my situation ending up like someones else and remain eternally optimistic & positive. I had to or I would probably go insane--LOL!

Just keep your Mai-Sunshiny outlook on love cause I do believe it will come for you one day. Tell your boy to get over it, go out with his boys and go to the club or something. He needs to get this woman out of sight and out of mind.

In the words of the everyday man's man: "The best way to forget about old a-- is by getting some new a--"


Maisha Cannon said...

Love it. Well stated. I'm glad you can be the listening ear for the hurting brotha, it sounds like it is therapeutic to your own soul. I do believe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You make me want to put myself out there more and experience a few thangs!