that's what people, friends or whatever keep asking me. to which i respond, "wth is the lesson i'm 'sposed to have learned?" thinking that if i don't know what the lesson is, then i did not learn it.
so, from here on in, i will purpose to have learned THIS lesson:
i am not good with moving on. i have not moved on, i do not altogether want to move on, but that seems like the most logical lesson there would be to learn of this here situation. not happenstances and serendipitous meetings. not cherished good times and magnetic attraction. not irreplaceable feelings and the fear of never quite getting over it.
but being able to mentally move on
(when a person has told you they do not
want to be with you).
in the past week i've found myself on the listening side of a brokenheart. honestly enough, i no longer feel heartbroken, yet my heart is still extremely tender where the keloid scar has formed. but that's not what this is about. in the past few days i've been the listening ear for a 30-yr-old man who is heartbroken by a relationship that ended two weeks ago. a five year relationship with the woman he is madly in love with and wants to spend his life with. he's in complete despair and for some reason it seems that i've become the person to offer that ray of light and hope that even if he and the young sis never get back together it will not always hurt so badly, and that he'll one day be enough at peace with their separation that he'll entertain the chance to build something with someone else. OF COURSE, two weeks after the breakup he's NOT trying to hear me. but he does listen as i keep iterating "hope" to him in the most comforting and logical of ways. and whereas i feel completely unqualified to be doing so, (as i sometimes wonder if i'll spend the rest of my life loving the wrong person because it felt so right to me) it makes me feel better to encourage that he'll [eventually] get over it. and oh my, my, my this boy is going through it. he doesn't understand why it had to end with someone he grew to love and build a life with. to make matters worse, she's telling him that maybe they'll have a chance to get back together in the future but she just can't do it right now, which is even more torture for him because it's not flat out rejection. i don't know him that well, and don't know his ex-girl at all, so i can't say for sure what was and what wasn't. but from his perspective, his brokenheart is more than he wants to tolerate right now and he just wants her back. but it's basically not going to happen. not right now anyway. you never know what the future holds, but based on what he's shared i'm fairly confident in assuming they won't be back together soon. But i am completely hoping that this won't crush his spirit to the point where he becomes bitter or even calloused and uninterested and unable to accept the gift of a completely different person years later (assuming they don't get back together). to tell the truth, I HOPE they are somehow able to reconcile their relationship and go on to get married, have children and be a content family unit. Godbless the two individuals who are sure they love one another and choose not to let each other go. he asked me why it can't be more simple, why can't the person you want to be with want you, especially when you fit together so effortlessly despite all the differences?
(sigh) if he only knew how far away from knowing that answer i was........
(i simply quoted lauryn hill's the x-factor "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. loving you is like a battle, and we both end up scarred...")
anyway, if he continues to reach out, i will be an ear for him and try to limit my two cents on what may be going on while increasing my encouragement that the sun will shine again in his heart. meanwhile, i'm becoming less enthused about this whole journey of love between a man and a woman. i dont know what it takes, or rather- i don't know what it will take FOR ME [to end up with another irreplaceable someone (who definitely wants to build a life with me)]. i suppose it just...will happen... when the time comes...
..from out of my blindspot.
(the last time i FELL into love, i wasn't looking for it. and here i've been stuck trying to get the hell out of it when i'd rather just lay there and float.)
so. this is me, not looking for love. wanting to move on*. and hoping that writing these thoughts will eventually lend themselves (i.e. manifest) to the truth. (in the same way of bumping into the person you've thought about all day because they are dearly missed.)
*i must say, i am enjoying the gentlefellows that occassionally pop-up to aid in the process.