Wednesday, February 18, 2009

and as i typed, quis AND stephy fwd'd this:

God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people You NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.
----
and i'm definitely becoming the person i was meant to be. there's no way around it.

have i learned the lesson?

that's what people, friends or whatever keep asking me. to which i respond, "wth is the lesson i'm 'sposed to have learned?" thinking that if i don't know what the lesson is, then i did not learn it.

so, from here on in, i will purpose to have learned THIS lesson:

moving on.

i am not good with moving on. i have not moved on, i do not altogether want to move on, but that seems like the most logical lesson there would be to learn of this here situation. not happenstances and serendipitous meetings. not cherished good times and magnetic attraction. not irreplaceable feelings and the fear of never quite getting over it.

but being able to mentally move on
(when a person has told you they do not
want to be with you).

in the past week i've found myself on the listening side of a brokenheart. honestly enough, i no longer feel heartbroken, yet my heart is still extremely tender where the keloid scar has formed. but that's not what this is about. in the past few days i've been the listening ear for a 30-yr-old man who is heartbroken by a relationship that ended two weeks ago. a five year relationship with the woman he is madly in love with and wants to spend his life with. he's in complete despair and for some reason it seems that i've become the person to offer that ray of light and hope that even if he and the young sis never get back together it will not always hurt so badly, and that he'll one day be enough at peace with their separation that he'll entertain the chance to build something with someone else. OF COURSE, two weeks after the breakup he's NOT trying to hear me. but he does listen as i keep iterating "hope" to him in the most comforting and logical of ways. and whereas i feel completely unqualified to be doing so, (as i sometimes wonder if i'll spend the rest of my life loving the wrong person because it felt so right to me) it makes me feel better to encourage that he'll [eventually] get over it. and oh my, my, my this boy is going through it. he doesn't understand why it had to end with someone he grew to love and build a life with. to make matters worse, she's telling him that maybe they'll have a chance to get back together in the future but she just can't do it right now, which is even more torture for him because it's not flat out rejection. i don't know him that well, and don't know his ex-girl at all, so i can't say for sure what was and what wasn't. but from his perspective, his brokenheart is more than he wants to tolerate right now and he just wants her back. but it's basically not going to happen. not right now anyway. you never know what the future holds, but based on what he's shared i'm fairly confident in assuming they won't be back together soon. But i am completely hoping that this won't crush his spirit to the point where he becomes bitter or even calloused and uninterested and unable to accept the gift of a completely different person years later (assuming they don't get back together). to tell the truth, I HOPE they are somehow able to reconcile their relationship and go on to get married, have children and be a content family unit. Godbless the two individuals who are sure they love one another and choose not to let each other go. he asked me why it can't be more simple, why can't the person you want to be with want you, especially when you fit together so effortlessly despite all the differences?

(sigh) if he only knew how far away from knowing that answer i was........
(i simply quoted lauryn hill's the x-factor "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. loving you is like a battle, and we both end up scarred...")

anyway, if he continues to reach out, i will be an ear for him and try to limit my two cents on what may be going on while increasing my encouragement that the sun will shine again in his heart. meanwhile, i'm becoming less enthused about this whole journey of love between a man and a woman. i dont know what it takes, or rather- i don't know what it will take FOR ME [to end up with another irreplaceable someone (who definitely wants to build a life with me)]. i suppose it just...will happen... when the time comes...

..from out of my blindspot.
(the last time i FELL into love, i wasn't looking for it. and here i've been stuck trying to get the hell out of it when i'd rather just lay there and float.)

so. this is me, not looking for love. wanting to move on*. and hoping that writing these thoughts will eventually lend themselves (i.e. manifest) to the truth. (in the same way of bumping into the person you've thought about all day because they are dearly missed.)

*i must say, i am enjoying the gentlefellows that occassionally pop-up to aid in the process.

(sigh)

"i'm gonna lay down my burdens....down by the riverside,
down by the riverside,
down by
the
river
side
...."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

serendipity, happenstance, or mere coincidence?

which is it?

when you run into a person you love,
(or at least used to
and probably still do
only you're not allowed to anymore
so you say that you're not
even though you think that only works
if you really are NOT) just hours
after thinking of them so much
because you miss them
so much, only you're not allowed
to say it because they "don't feel"
the same way. but you do.
(you definitely do.)
and because you do,
you'll think of them even if you don't say you are
anymore. then you see them
in passing? the very day
you thought of them?
is it a coincidence?

what if
one says, well you'd most likely
run into that person because you were
at a place where that person most likely would be.
but then you counter, but i didn't know what time of day
he'd be here, i just happened to be here at the time
i needed to be, and then he managed to be here at that exact time.
is that happenstance? or were we supposed to meet?

or
what if
you were in that same place and thought,
maybe i'll see him here again this time,
and you look around and he's not there
because, of course neither of you have made plans
to meet, you barely even speak anymore.
so you're wishing to see him there at that time
because you miss him and it was so nice the last time
you happened into one another, but it's just a wish in the wind
because he's definitely not there.
and then you go on about your day, letting the wish float away.
stopping to grab a snack. eating the snack by the river. then
pausing to decide if you're gonna hop on the train to go home,
or take in the day with a thirty block stroll in the direction of your
next meeting in a few hours. then deciding to go on
and take the stroll. what if you start strolling
and instead of taking the route that would put you
closer to the avenue where your meeting will be you decide
to stroll up the biker's path that parallels the river
just because you prefer to walk along the water and
it felt right to take that path,

and about twenty minutes into your stroll
as you sing "killing me softly with his song",
he pulls up along side you on his bike?
seemingly just as amazed as you are
that yet again your paths have
"inadvertently" crossed...

is that serendipity?

i don't know.
i'm just saying.


who is really making this happen?

i'm just a little confused.
-----
my life is the stuff movies are made of.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

so life is taking place

i've just been too tired or busy or lazy to write about it lately. but strange things are happening. wonderful things are happening. progressive things are happening. and funny things are happening. and i'm ever thankful that they are. so... let's see how they continue to unfold as the winter season SPRINGs to an end!!! (eventually...)

---

i just had one my many great heart2hearts with daddy. i'm glad i got him & he got me.

---
anyway, back to life (nutshells):

i love my classes at csi this semester and my students love me.
i kinda want to do a degree in AfrAmStudies now because of my AALit class.
i kinda feel like if i don't, that will be alright too.
(thanks to friends and loved ones) ella is near completion,
then it's on to the REAL beginning.
i have like 105 ideas swarming in my brain... focus focus focus,
something's gotta give.
an occassional hair client turned into a weekly,
so score! bonus!
my skin is the clearests its looked in years.
i'm finally not *in love w/any boys right now, but a couple of them like me.
or so they say. go figure.
i don't spend enough time with any one man to be worried about it.
february 14th will just be two days after payday as far as I'm concerned.
and that's cool.
i still think my biological clock is ticking backwards.
not sure if i want a 30th birthday bash.
would love to forego it altogether
if it means i can travel internationally.
but i probably can't so
i'll probably still end up doing a bash come 416.
i'm really happy to be leaving the 20s behind.
looking forward.

the beginning...

(ps i just had a really tasty pb&j sandwich. i comment on it because for the past two months or longer i've been eating this sugarless jelly that i wanted to try to see if i could have the same peanutbutter&jelly'sammich goodness with the sugarfree. NO, you can't not. every sandwich was a sad occasion where a tribute was made in respects to a pb&j sammich with REAL jelly, high glucose corn syrop and all...! so, i just had my first real pb&JELLY sandwich in like a month. and mmmMMMmmm, it was so. good. i want another one, but there's only two slices of bread yet, and since it's 3am i'll save those two slices in case i want a sammich in the morning.)

* though i wonder if you really ever do fall out of love with someone who feels so right.