Friday, December 18, 2009

it seems the older i get

the less i understand why people end up dying so young.

you'd think it'd be the other way around, and it wouldn't affect me in such a way to trigger the "why" question.. but, no. every single time i learn that another person my age, a little bit younger, or a little bit older has ended this experience of life as we know it....

it just widens the gap of understanding and accepting it in my mind.

rip chris henry.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

in the past twelve hours

i've gotten word of a celebrated birth,

and two tragic deaths.

the birth is a family member,

the death, family members of a grad school friend.

and so,

life, as tentative and unsettling as it is,


in one way, or another.

to the little one who just entered, ash

to the two recently departed, ash

Thursday, December 03, 2009

i was going to sleep, but then the words began to flow.

--for all the girls who won't demand he "put a ring on it", and for those who understand that the answer is not in the Steve Harvey book, but that it IS out there somewhere... AND for those, who are neither, but do relate.

here we are

thirty year old school girls

we’re girls, in love

chasing it like windmills or butterflies, with nets

waiting for it

from the boys we love

living in careers that we’d sacrifice

for husbands and children and a passionate companionship

that lasts forever

because we come home alone


here we are

thirty two, thirty five, thirty eight years old,

not feeling old, not BEING old,

but feeling and being old enough to build a life

with a person of significance.

independence is championed and self sufficiency esteemed,

but the truest, sometimes loudest, sometimes quietest desire

is to be dependent on that partner of life

we definitely do believe exists,

and why wouldn’t we?

here we are, forty four, fifty two years old

making decisions we don’t want to make

because of experiences we never thought we’d have

and why? because we didn’t want to settle for something

that didn’t reach the level we once had? or maybe never did?

or maybe did and didn’t work out, or died,

or was mishandled by all parties involved.

we never dreamed it’d be this way.

we never imagined we’d be so easy to sleep on,

so easy to discard, that we’d be the ones they decided

they could live without. that is not what we thought.

but often that is who we are, who we become.

here we are,

school girls longing for the boy who makes us swoon,

longing to mature from school girl to [cherished] wife,

to be the strong woman behind the that man;

the one who is honored to have what we’ve got.

we want the cliché, the fairytale, the dream,

the situational comedy of real love with minimal drama…

the imperfection of a life spent molded with his,

sharpened and fueled by one another,

the way we’ve always dreamt. even when

we see countless friends and loved ones

and folk we don’t know, and ourselves fall victim to

marriage and relationships that crumble

under the strain of weighted life… we are still waiting for our turn

to get it right.

and so we wait. we work. we date. we don’t. we leave the country. we find new cities. we change our jobs. we go to the gym, then to the club, then to church. and back to work. we have babies.

we get jaded. and entertain ourselves. we do the things we want to do, and go on trips together, cosigning on shared experiences that we wished weren’t so.

or we just live each day waiting to see how the dream unfolds. with hope. with expectation. waiting for the moment we can share with our world that we are finally a part of that –ultimate– “We.” and that it was worth the wait.

for some of us girls longing for love, we learn to enjoy the journey as it is, acknowledging and sometimes ignoring the lonesome and confusing moments, accepting allusions of love when they flutter by in the form of someone we could spend our lives with—if even for a short time, and when it dissipates we wonder when a more solid form will appear, and if it will show up for good. for others of us, the journey has even portion of bitter with the sweet, because the thought that something is missing is too overwhelming… while, still, we wait.

but we’re here.

we’re here.



for the record, i don't like this poem. i love it¸ but i wish i hadn't've written it. i'd like to believe that i am not a part of the "we" in this poem, but by all accounts, i'm sure I, THE PERSON, am represented somewhere in these words – especially since i wrote it. nevertheless, maybe now that it's out, i can go to sleep.

it may be time

for me to own The Notebook.
Because I believe in The Notebook kind of love.

what is it about my heart

that causes the palms of my hands to ache
when i'm sad?

i've never figured it out.

yet it has never failed.

when my heart is heavy,
faaar before or after any tears,
the palms of my hands throb.


you can't want

it for someone else. whatever "it" may be.

if they don't want it,
if they can't figure it out,
if they aren't sure why,
if it's not enough for them,

you do want it and
you have figured it out and
you are sure why and for
you it is enough,

whatever "it" is,

then "it" becomes canceled out,
now doesn't it.

does it?

regardless, you can't want it for anyone else.
they've got to want it for themselves.
or you've got to stop wanting it.

(there may be a third "or" involved, something less definitive, absolute, and more gray area than the two aforementioned black and white "or's." but that third "or" continues to make things complicated, involving keeping a burning vigil of hope that perhaps deep down there is gestating the realization of that distinct "want."

for most people, it's sound and most logical to ignore that particular "or".... and every now and again you have a strange bird who understands all three and chooses the third.)

what happens

when the love of your life decides he's going to leave, for his own benefit,
yet so much of the life you live hangs in the balance
of the time you cherish spending in that love?

a love on which you prefer to spend
all of your time currency?

does life just move on without it?
do you feel a phantom companionship once they've packed up and gone for good?
do you hope they'll return, even before they've left?

or do you accept that everything has a course to run,
and maybe this is finally nearing the finish line?
as you were supposed to have kept in mind all along?

or that maybe, just maybe, it'll be this good
with somebody else? (even. if. i don't want to
think about somebody else.)



(stabling sigh)

this present means so much to me. it's all we have.

it's all we have.
the present, and the gift of memories known as the past.

i have today, and i have a past.

i just don't know what to think about the future regarding this one.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

What a Lovely Day! I (heart) Bill Withers!

So, I'm really excited because I saw a FABULOUS documentary last night on the life and times of one of the most prolific singer/songwriters of our time, Bill Withers. The film is called Still Bill
and was independently made by a couple of fimmakers, one of whom is a young black man that I know from where I attended grad school. Even though the film is not available to see in regular theaters, what's wonderful is that the filmmakers have made the opportunity available for the general viewing public to host screenings of the documentary. Since I've returned home from seeing it tonight, I've been kind of brainstorming in my mind how I can get a screening of the film jumping off in some of the various venues I'm affiliated because it's more than just a movie about a musician, but a piece on dignity, triumph, late blooming success, and how we can approach choices in our lives.

I can't wait to see where I can get a screening going!!!!

Still Bill Trailer from B-Side Entertainment!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Treinta y uno dias

until the new year....

i can dig it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Figuring out how to move forward


it's 5:36a, so for now I need to move forward by going to sleep and getting some rest.

Friday, November 20, 2009

all things considered

and all the things i'm considering right now, i have a good life.

i feel change is in the air,

and if it is,

i pray all remains as good as it is now.

but, as it stands, i welcome change.

one way or another, it's inevitable.

Friday, October 30, 2009

michelle on marriage:

excerpt from NYT article, The Obama Marriage:

“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . .” Michelle Obama said a few minutes later in the interview. The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project,” she said. “It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.”

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

more encouragement, when i really need it. (bonus)

from daddy:

I was looking at the Gordon Parks' "Half Past Autumn" book that I bought you. I happened to read the dedication that I wrote. I am sending it to you. It may encourage you about now.

To Maisha

The Lord blessed me when He gave me you. You will always have my heart. I look at you and I am filled with love and pride. I appreciate your many talents, but, I love you, the person: My daughter. I hope this book will serve as continued inspiration for your creativeness. As the years come and go, continue to learn. Continue to grow as a person. Stay rooted and grounded in a sincere love for the Lord and His Word. Always temper your creativity, knowledge and accomplishments with love, gentleness and kindness so as not to get caught up in pride. Stay curious and always look for ways to express your thoughts (That’s all creativity is). Writer, dancer, singer, poet, artist, photographer, graphic artist, thinker and so on…..

Seems to me that you are already a RENAISSANCE LADY!!!

I love you,



(from that dude i can't get enough of...)

he responded "....or you could choose to be indomitable you..."

"indomitable" me. an adjective i don't think i've ever quite heard in reference to me specifically. so i decided to look it up.


strong, unconquerable, resolute, determined, stubborn, tough, spirited, doughty, invincible; incapable of being subdued or vanquished; someone strong, brave, determined and difficult to defeat or frighten. unbeatable, steadfast, obstinate, insurmountable, resolute, unruly, wild; someone or something indomitable cannot be easily dominated; not easily discouraged; unyielding.

i thought about these words. surely i am some of them. on occasion i'm all of them. and, on occasion, i'm none of them.

but, in this instance, am i being indomitable?

well, usually time tells these sort of things, but... it's what i purpose.

so, i'm glad he decided to remind me of it tonight.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

fright and tension on a tuesday night.

i just caught a migraine/tension headache/shoulderache in the worst way...

so i came in and there was this huge bug carcass on my living room floor, and i'm like "ohhhh no....." but then i vow to try to handle it after i finish editing a paper i was working on... so around 2:30am i'm like... okay, JUST DO IT MAISHA. and it takes a lot of mental energy to grab the broom and find a black bag to put into the waste basket...

so at first i turn the lights down low and squint so i don't have to see it clearly, maybe just enough to sweep it directly into the waste basket.. but the couple of times i swiped at it, it didn't go in!!! GEEZ! So then I'm like, okay i'll have to put it INTO the dustpan and then lift it into the wastebasket with the black bag... BUT i just couldn't bring myself to get close enough to bend down and sweep it in... SO i try one last time to just sweep it directly into the wastebasket turned on its side.

DO YOU KNOW THAT BUG FLIPPED OVER AND WAS ALIVE! It started coming after me!!! LIKE FURREAL! The worse case scenario happened, it came back alive and started crawling towards me... and I was calling Jesus to help me and I didn't know what was gonna happen! All the while my head and shoulders were just getting more and more pressure and constricted... it was the WORST fear i've had in a long time. :(

So, finally, i got into the kitchen to grab the raid and spray it from the other side of the room til it flipped back over... it still wasn't dead but at least it wasn't crawling after me anymore. Then i managed to grab the empty plant pot and place it over the thing where i guess it's currently giving up the ghost..... ICK!

and now..... i can barely keep my eyes open my freakin head is throbbing so......

sometimes i hate living by myself. the thing was dead and came back alive and started chasing me. or so it seems. either way, too much anxiety....

Saturday, October 17, 2009

abasement and aboundment

it's interesting that once can be totally content with things as they are (in the present), and still desire for things to become what they're not (in the hope of future). it's a delicate balance that could drive one into a level of insanity if they let it.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

and as if that wasn't enough disappointment for one day

somehow, my phone got away from me, yet again this evening. somewhere between the laundrymat, Rite Aid next door to it, and the short bus ride home, i seem to have lost my phone. (sigh.... i should be used to it by now, but i was just congratulating myself not too long ago on having kept up with it for so many months now.) i sent a text message asking that if it is found to please email or call me (i have an old faithful replacement from a few years ago that is hanging on by a thread.) my contract with verizon ends in about two months and so i can either re-up with them and get a new phone now, or wait until my contract ends and get a new phone with another company at the end of december. i didn't anticipate having to make the decision now, and maybe JUST MAYBE if the person who finds it is willing to contact me, i'll have my current one back. besides my lil data card is in there, and there are plenty of pics i didn't want to lose... though i may have already downloaded them to my computer. anyway. still sux. when i got off the bus i had a strong urge to turn back to see if i'd left my metrocard, and even thought of running after the bus if necessary. but i felt my pocket and it was there, so i kept walking. i guess that was my spirit telling me to turn back for my phone. ................ah. life.

disappointing irony: the tale of the trip that should have been.

so, what if there's a place that you've wanted to visit all summer. but you'd like to take a friend along with you, because it'll make the trip that much more exciting, and you decide not to go yet. but you just know it will be pretty cool to visit with said friend because you daydream about it being a day of bike riding and photography in a place neither of you have been before. and you finally get around to asking friend if he wants to go because you realize the place will be closing soon for the season, but the time or two you ask he's busy...

and, early one saturday morning you text friend asking if he wants to hang, and you get a response later that he may go out and shoot, so you express wanting to join the excursion. and a couple of more hours pass while you wonder if he's on the way, but you haven't heard that he is. so you're still taking it easy since it is saturday and there's no need to be ready to go when you haven't heard that he's en route. THEN you finally get a text from friend saying that he's headed to that very place you daydreamed about going to earlier in the summer with him. your feelings are hurt (probably more than they should be, but they are) because friend has decided to go to the place without you, or so you think. but then the next text clarifies that if you want to join then you should come. and with barely enough time to make it to the ferry going to the place, you scurry to throw on something, grab camera, metrocard and ID, and head out the door to the train...

but then a few stops shy of the ferry that will take you to your destination you realize you're not going to make it in time for the last ferryboat. so you get off the train and send a message that if he can make it onto the ferry, then by all means, go... you'll go some other time. and they respond "ok." and you go back home, never having expressed that your feelings are hurt.

....isn't that disappointly ironic that he's now at the place you waited to visit because you wanted to go with him. or is it ironically disappointing?

oh well. daydreams are just that. maybe in reality this wasn't "our" experience to have.

i guess i'll visit next summer.

The poignancy of Khalil Gibran

"Now I realize that the present moment contains all time and within it is all that can be hoped for, done and realized... My soul preached to me, my brother, and taught me much. And your soul has preached and taught as much to you. For you and I are one, and there is no variance between us save that I urgently declare that which is in my innerself, while you keep as a secret that which is within you. But in your secrecy there is a sort of virtue."

--Khalil Gibran, Thoughts and Meditations, 1960

sometimes it takes a great deal of effort

sometimes it's challenging
sometimes it's painful
sometimes there are too many questions
and too few answers
sometimes what you desire is within reach but not at all within grasp

and sometimes
it's just life taking place just as it should
and if you wait a few more hours, days, years, you'll see that it's not
as challenging
as painful
as many unanswered questions or unfulfilled desires as there were before.

it's really in how you decide to view the time/moments passing. and, yes, it takes a great deal of effort to decide that you WILL process this positively, but that usually determines the difference in how things continue to manifest and unfold.

so much of surviving is in how you decide to mentally (and spiritually) process things. isn't it?

yet so much affects how we are able to mentally process things. we are such delicate beings. even in being strong physically, there is something so fragile about life and our capacity to meander through it. and there are all of these decisions that have to be made....

[i was going to say more, but it's getting a bit convoluted so, i'm gonna leave it for now.]

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

THIS is why you gotta love Nikita!

Crazy (as in random) man-on-the-street moment
with Nikita S. Adams.

"And what was YOUR worst date experience, Nikita???"

(click below to find out at :37 secs!!!!)

(i totally should've been there to clown!!!)

Sunday, October 04, 2009

caught in a midnight daydream.

(there's a poem that wants to go here. soon.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

I think I had too much sugar today...

I'm feelin way too emotionally charged right now.

and there's no one around to bounce it off of.


and later (eventually)

Hov & O got flow!

This is toooo cute! Jay-Z "taught" Oprah a little freestyle rap!

Boy out of Brooklyn/made it from the 'Stuy
Girl from out the south/made it to the Chi'
Only goes to show that the limit is the sky/
Life give you lemons then you make lemon PIE!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

One year later.

Today is September 22nd. In addition to being the first day of the new season, it marks one year that Cheryl has gone to be with the Lord.

One year, already; time flew, didn't it.
It's still a very strange thing to understand/accept, that she's really not here with us,
and so much has changed for her family since she's left... but what can you do? But carry on.
Carry on...

So, today, I'm wishing and hoping,
praying that her family is carrying on

in the best possible way,
despite the remnants of a heartbreaking tragedy,

and the waves of uncertainty
that continue to ripple throughout their lives.
And that, as God is their center,
he is also their joy
in sorrow
even if it is
a different kind of joy.

I miss you, Shay. At some point of each day, you cross my mind. Every time I'm home, it seems abnormal that I go by the restaurant and you aren't there. I've even considered not visiting because I know the void is so significant, but when I end up there, the time spent with Dee and Ms. Nel is therapeutic and necessary. I love them dearly, and I am blessed to keep the connection alive....... I suppose since it's been a year already I should be ready to delete your number from my phone.... but, I just can't bring myself to do it yet. There's something comforting about seeing your name there, even if I now I'll never dial the number again.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

pat sway and wifey dance whitney.

i'm completely drawn to this.

rest in peace to a beautiful dancer, and a beautiful union... 38 years together, til death did they part. may she find peace in his absence.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

El trece de septiembre

de este año
is coming to close.

it's strange to me
how each year 913
approaches, arrives, and departs
with little to no fanfare on your part.
any mention of its significance as it relates to you
goes without response, almost as if
it should not be brought up.
(which, by the way, never really keeps me
from bringing it up. or
acknowledging the celebration in order,
even if in the most reserved of ways.)

lord knows there is a month of festivities for my 416--
coast to coast shindigs, musical soirees...
family, friends and all others encouraged to join in
boisterously planned and impromptu happenings in the name of
my life having gained another notch of a year.
every year.

and yet,
in an opposite manner,
there's something almost sacred
about the guardedness with which you reserve
for your own day.

who am i
to think that celebration is NOT taking place
just because there are no
candles, confetti or confections with your name on it?
there is something to be said about personal reflection
of one's life on their birthday, and also about
choosing to do whatever it is you want to do
on THAT day, even if there is no measurable
(read: outward) expression of celebrating.

all of that to say:

today, i hope that celebration found you, in it's own precious way. and may this new year hold blessings and success in more ways than you can count. and that the things you are ready for come to you, and the rest comes in its own timing. and that the peace of God is always with you.

it means a great deal that i could spend a lively afternoon with you (in celebration, as far as i'm concerned.)

with love.

ps. for the record, i really thank God for your presence in my life. there are so many things in my life that ARE because of you... are better. are repaired. are understood. are humane. are comfortable. are sincere. are hilarious. are just the way they are supposed to be.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A little Edwin Hawkins revelry.

There is an album by the Edwin Hawkins singers with songs that resonate through the channels of my mind. I don't think of the songs often, but when I reminisce about the late eighties and early nineties, when my family primarily listened to gospel music, certain songs clearly reverberate in the most comforting way though it's been close to twenty years since hearing them. One song in particular I only remembered the ending, which quotes the scripture Isaiah 53: ...he was wounded for our transgression (our trans-gres-sion), and he was bruised for our iniquity (our in-niq-qui-teee-eee), the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and by his stripes we were healed (yeah, yeahhh yeah yeah!)... That part stuck with me. I can't recall any of the other lyrics, but that part of the vamp at the end of the song had wedged itself into my memory bank, occasionally playing out, over and over again. ...he was wounded for our transgressions (our trans-gres-sions!)...

Well, tonight merely reminiscing about the song wasn't enough. I wanted to hear the song. Needed to hear THAT song. But I only had somewhat of a clue that it was by one of the iconic Hawkins' (Edwin, Walter or Tramaine), and even still, I was too young to really know whose song it really was. It seems, I remember, that there were both a man and a woman singing, which meant that it was either Edwin or Walter AND Tramaine.. Unless of course it was a choir singing, for which maybe it wouldn't necessarily be Tramaine. But I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt and figure it was her plus one of the brothers. Now, which one would it have been? She was married to one, but sang with both.... I could already tell this was going to be a humdinger of album to uncover.

Naturally, I started with the lyrics; anytime I'm looking to uncover a song I don't know the title of, I type in a few of the lyrics and the possible artist in a search to see what comes up. Unfortunately for me, typing in lyrics that are from a scripture in the Bible just yields the verse. I tried adding "Hawkins" then "Edwin" then "Tramaine Hawkins" etc etc et ce tera. And the song would not come up by the lyrics. Every OTHER Edwin and Walter Hawkins song, however, did. Goin Up Yonder. Oh Happy Day. Trymaine's The Potter's House. But nothing with "...he was wounded for our transgressions (our trans-gres-sions!)..." So I got to thinking, "Maybe, just maybe it's not a Hawkins song at all..." So I took a minute to search names like Andrae Crouch, but I knew it was Hawkins, whichever one it turned out to be. So I kept looking. Singing the song in my heart, and seeking it out.

"...he was wounded for our transgressions (our trans-gres-sions!)...he was bruised for our iniquities (our in-niq-qui-teee-eee).." I wanted to hear THAT song. It had to be catalogued somewhere on this internet. I went to Amazon, Itunes, yahoo music... found a link that had lyrics similar to what I remembered and was labeled as Tramaine Hawkins' "By His Stripes" (though the same link at the bottom said "By His Strength") so SURELY this was what I was looking for! I searched out more of Tramaine Hawkins "By His Stripes/Strength", only to find there wasn't any other representation of that song BUT that first link, and the link itself was suspect. So, nope. I had not found the song. Yet.

Then finally. Some kind of way, it dawned on me to search the actual scripture that the lyrics came from, as the title. SEARCH: Isaiah 53, Hawkins singer. AND Lo! up came my first link indicating that my memory was not making stuff up!!! EDWIN HAWKINS & THE MUSIC & ARTS SEMINAR MASS CHOIR. Who freakin' knew??? I surely didn't. ALL I knew was
...he was wounded for our transgression (our trans-gres-sion), and he was bruised for our iniquity (our in-niq-qui-teee-eee), the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and by his stripes we were healed (yeah, yeahhh yeah yeah!)... And finally, some semblance of what I'd spent the last few hours trying to uncover.

Hot on the trail, I stayed with my search to uncover an actual recording of the song entitled Isaiah 53 by Edwin Hawkins and the Music & Arts Seminar Mass Choir. Then finally, I found a blog called The Gospel Fill-Up with a posting of the exact album that I had tucked away under a flap in my mind: Live In Atlanta (1983) Giddy with excitement to realize that I was staring at the exact album I needed to hear, I left a comment to the blogger thanking them for posting the album and asking if there is any way I'd be able to get a copy of it (as it turns out, this seems to be a rare recording not easily attainable.) Hopefully, someone will get back to me with the hookup on this rarity!

So, on I searched, thinking maybe, just maybe there'd be some way for me to hear the song I was looking for. And one last search yielded the contentment I was in need of. Youtube. For the record, I'd actually started at youtube, but with the wrong names of titles and the artist, I just could not track it down. But now. NOW, I had exactly what I was looking for to hear this:

I closed my eyes when the music began, and Edwin started speaking. It'd been so long since I'd actually heard the recording, I wasn't sure just yet that this was it. But as the song played on, the changes in the music began to hit home. The voices distinctly matched those in my memory. And about three minutes in, THE PART finally came: ...he was wounded for our transgression (our trans-gres-sion), and he was bruised for our iniquity (our in-niq-qui-teee-eee), the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and by his stripes we were healed (yeah, yeahhh yeah yeah!)... And I was eleven years old again, in the back of my father's Aerostar minivan, laying on the extended row in the back, while on a roadtrip to Texas... listening to Edwin Hawkins.... I'm so glad I found this.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

i am

tired of struggling.

i am
having a hard time trying to discern level of success i'm having here:

here in new york.
here in adulthood.
here in life.

i am
not tired of chasing windmills, but i have been sitting back for a bit and watching the mills circle in the distant wind. i know that should i pick up momentum, i'm bound to reach one of them...

i am
ready for at least one thing that i desire to come to fruition sooner, rather than later: be it the love that i want, or a major break careerwise, or a trip across the world...

i am
ready to be as healthy as i can be.
which would entail not staying awake until 6 in the morning staring at a computer screen.

i am.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Is it another coincidence, Godwink, or whatever you call it...

..that September's full moon is on the 4th at 16:03?

Monday, August 31, 2009

in the middle of a conversation on love

with a friend that i occasionally spend time with, he shared a simple truth* as seen from his perspective:

i'd rather deal with a lonely heart than a broken one.

*a truth as it pertains to having reached a certain age though a marital relationship has yet to unfold. the general conversation was surrounding the thought that neither one of us wants to deal with a divorce once finally married, and thus choosing to remain single as long as necessary until it is clear that you actually want a life time commitment with a particular individual. i didn't expect him to share that it's sometimes lonely on this single-and-dating side of a life long commitment, especially when it seems that your options are not as viable as you'd like (even if you do call yourself having options). i, myself, have guys to spend time with, but none have developed into committed relationships that are leading to matrimony, and the same can be said of my friend and the ladies he chooses to spend time with. yet, and even still, i'd prefer the lonely heart that desires a lifetime love than being broken-hearted over a failed marriage that i thought would last.

Monday, August 17, 2009

i wish

i had a little better indication of where i will be in say, five years.

five years ago, august 2004, i was a few weeks from starting my mfa program at slc.

and now look how much has/hasn't happened since then.

i can't say that i've planned for this life that is unfolding in real time.

i'm no good with the "planning" of futures*. my plans, what little i have planned, has never even come close. i planned to move to atlanta after college. i planned to go to west africa with the peace corps. i planned to have a stable job and stay long enough to pay all my bills on time and have something left over to save and maybe think about buying some property. or something. maybe i didn't plan for that, but i've always liked the idea.

my life is categorically incapable of being planned out. maybe i prefer it that way, maybe it's more problematic than necessary.

i planned to [decide to] stop loving this boy. now i plan to [decide to] love him forever. (come what may. or what may never come.)

some days i wonder what is really going on in this reality of mine. like, this is not reality, is it? is this the way i'm supposed to be living? dreaming? pining? spinning? in all directions, though somewhat forward, somewhat diagonal, somewhat circular, somewhat erratic, having the time of my life?


i read memoirs and autobiographies of very successful creative people who had very questionable starts, somewhat akin to my own, and i take comfort in the fact that perhaps i really am leading the life i was born to lead. (not that i'm really questioning it. i've tried the other reality and the quixote in me desired to roam free.)

my name means LIFE. i'm living life. i could be doing a better job at it, but i'm LIVING it in full color, with my nerves turned outward so that i FEEL what i'm living. almost too intensely, i'm feeling this life, here.

i'm not afraid to say what i want. i want to spend the rest of my life with the man that i prefer to love. i want to publish many things. i want to sing while i play the piano. i want to beat the djembe in rhythm. i want to see the other six continents. i want a house with a veranda where i can hang windchimes and a hammock. i want to learn a few more languages. i want to swim in the ocean exercising my mermaid skills a little more often and i want to ride a motorcycle. that's all i want.

in my first thirty years, i've come close to starting most of those things. like, i kinda get to do that stuff. i kinda spend my time with the man i love, in random ways and at random times, and have been since the day we met, more or less (sometimes less than more). i write many things, i just need to get the publishing part underway. though i wouldn't practice my piano lessons as a child and therefore was made to stop taking lessons, there are many pianos around in my current lifestyle and sometimes i get to sit down with a friend and show them how well i can play the scales. i sing now more than i ever have in life, and absolutely love it, though i wish i'd further developed the talent as a child/youth. percussionist friends let me play their congas/djembes whenever i like, even though i'm often out of rhythm. or should i say unpracticed rhythm that just needs a little refinement. i've not been to any other continents yet, but i know people from all over the world and plan for my 30s (through the rest of my functional life) to be my globetrotting years. i have no idea when i'll have a house with a veranda, or where in the world that will be... but i have windchimes in my apartment and plan to get more. rosetta stone is teaching me how to say "the boy is on top of the little airplane" in twelve different languages. i'm slowly uncovering the ocean shores near the city and hear the Jersey shore would make me very content, speaking from the mermaid perspective. and, as soon as i have an extra $300 to put toward enrolling in a Motorcycle Safety Class (and the accoutrement needed to ensure safety), i to will hold a coveted M-endorsement.

So. i mean..... i'm doing alright i suppose, at the end of the day. you can only live one day at a time. even if you plan the next five years. and if you don't plan them, you still will only live one day at a time. so i'm doing alright.

things i know for sure:

if, for whatever reason, i am to leave here, be called away from this existence as we know it, sometime sooner than anyone ever thought, then know that my life has been full of beauty and love and whimsy and grace and splendor (which has greatly outweighed the melancholy and struggle and disappointment and uncertainty--even when it seems the scales are even). and that i thank God right now for allowing me to recognize it at this moment. because i will thank him face to face one day as well, but i'd like this record to reflect that whatever happens, i've had a good life.

*though i maintain the non-planning nature in which i exist, i'd like to point out that perhaps being a complete visionary trumps being a planner... to some degree, anyway.

Friday, August 14, 2009

i feel the need to reiterate

because i haven't in a while.

pms SUCKS.

that is all.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So I got wind of this article and sent to a bunch of folk

and got some interesting responses. The article entitled, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear, is an essayist's first hand account of dealing with a rough point in her marriage when her husband was *feeling as if he no longer loved his wife and was not sure that he ever did, and also that he disliked what she'd become and wanted out of the marriage. This came out of the clear blue without any warning, after twenty some-odd years of a good life and marriage and family life together. Her reaction, a stoic "I don't believe you." (Or, as she put it, "I don't buy it.") And the poetic resolve to let her husband go through what he was going through while refraining from causing detrimental, long term harm to their family. After four months of his midlife crisis-induced meltdown and attempt to throw it all away, his rightful mind had returned. From reading the article, I'm led to believe that given the same opportunity to re-do, she'd handle the situation in the same manner.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that before I even finished reading the article I was hoping that (God forbid) in the similar circumstance with my own husband of the future, I would possess the same grace under fire and exercise my right to keep my marriage intact through the free will of both myself and eventually my husband's. In sending the article out to a few people, who in turn sent it out to a few more people, I got some interesting responses back. Most were astonished accolades at this woman's method in choosing to let him stay in the home to work through his issues, though seemingly disrespecting everything their marriage and family stood for. (Her friends, with good reason, kept trying to convince her to get an attorney, get the ball rolling, and get him out of there.) There was some mention, in the responses, of a level of low self esteem and denial, but if you actually read the article and understand exactly what she's saying to the audience, she states in no uncertain terms her method and goal for healthy resolution of her marriage, in lieu of a dissolution. Her husband tried to blame her for his pain and unload his feelings of personal disgrace and inadequacy onto her, as she put it, yet she handled the situation with paramount grace, dignity, wisdom, great self-esteem, quiet yet superior strength and unconditional love in those months that he was wreaking havoc in their life. In the grand scheme of things, his misdeed was for a total of four months (privately, she gave him six to get it together) in comparison to the twenty years they'd spent together; call me a hopeless romantic/sentimental fool, but I'd like to think that now he gets to spend the rest of his life making it up her, too!

So, here's to the essayist, Laura A. Munson, for understanding the journey of marriage doesn't necessarily end when one person has a crisis and decides leaving is the solution. At the end of the day, each man and woman that has made a commitment to one another has to determine what it means to honor that commitment when their partner has lost it (WHATEVER "IT" IS). Let us all be fortunate to find a person that will understand how to keep the marriage moving forward [with the verb of unconditional love], should we ever decide to let a crisis cloud our good judgment and threaten our stable households.

HERE'S to blessed families with healthy longevity... and no ONE way to figure out how to make your marriage WORK.

*If it's one thing I've learned is that FEELINGS do not keep a marriage together. If anything, FEELINGS are why divorce is so rampant.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Excerpt : "Sit Ubu Sit: How I went from BK to Hollywood..." by Gary David Goldberg

All successful movies or television shows seem to have one thing in common. They were all turned down, at one time, by someone, somewhere else. Columbia turned down E.T. Universal turned down Star Wars. ABC turned down CSI. Every network turned down All In The Family. At the end of the first studio screening of Breakfast At Tiffany's, featuring the haunting Henry Mancini song "Moon River", the studio head reportedly stoop up and bellowed out, "I don't know about this movie, but that eff'in song is out." And the studio notes on the first screen test of an actor named Fred Astaire read: "Can't act. Can't. sing. Can dance a little."

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Coming to a theater near you!

So! I think it's time for me to write a script entitled GUYatus, that will be loosely based on my adventures with love, and inspired by the romantic girl-gets-guy films that I adore so much! I mean, I figure the episodes that unfold in my life couldn't BE more entertaining if I made them up! AND I've been conveniently keeping this diary blog for four years now! Surely a cult classic of a tale can be woven and tailored out of all of this! Afterall, I have no idea how and when things are going to fully unfold and develop for me and a life long love.. but in writing the story I've BEEN living, perhaps I can write the story that I WANT to live!

So! Here's to the challenge of getting it all out of my head (and out of this blog) and into script format!!! Wish me luck!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

why is it august already.

.................. i'm not excited about it.

or maybe, i actually don't mind so much at all.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I could've SWORN I posted this already...

but apparently I have not. So I'll take this opportunity to poignantly point out that I was born to dance in this scene. Unfornately, for me, I was conceived two years after the film was made....:

Watch Emerald City Sequence - Green, Red, Gold in Music | View More Free Videos Online at

relax. relate. delete.

i've never been one to sever ties, but i think i've started deleting people out of my life. and that is probably a good thing. i certainly don't mean no harm, but you can't hold on to everyone. lord knows i've tried to make some relationships work. but. at some point you gotta let things be. and even more worthwhile, sometimes you gotta make things be. and if that means making them be so that they are no longer a part of your existence, then so be it. i don't like losing people, but at the same time, i don't like being taken.. for granted... for a ride... advantage of... for a fool.

and release.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

I'm feeling some kind of way

about this song. i'd like to further explain, but i'll just say: this song feels like love. melancholy. unrelenting. wildly passionate. hungry. steady. like a heartbeat. the bass sways like my heartbeat. like heavy breath. sighs. there are no smiles in this song. but i feel the love. the lyrics make me want to cry, but not a sad cry. maybe it makes me want to sit by the window seal on a rainy day. waiting for love. "don't stay away too long..." dag.

White Turns To Gray - Bilal

Friday, July 03, 2009

Godwinks and a Guy-aitus.

I intend to go on a guy-aitus this summer. And this is a good thing :)

I read a book over the past two days called When God Winks on Love. It was suggested to me by two or three different individuals who insisted my serendipitous events surrounding the man I love was similar to the real life stories recounted in the book by SQuire Rushnell. So, I finally went by the NYPL to see if they had it. Oddly enough (though I believe SR would call it a Godwink!), the catalog indicated that the book would not be in the library on that day. I can't remember the reason, but I decided to note the # and look on the shelf anyway, and wouldn't you know, it was right there! I walked over to the Hudson River and sat by the water reading the first few chapters.

The book is basically 200someodd pages of When Harry Met Sally stories from different couples from around the world and how they came to meet and live out their lives as soulmates because of God's Global Positioning System. Denzel and his wife Pauletta were mentioned, as well as other well known and unknown couples. It was reassuring to read the stories, because I really do believe in the soulmate experience, though I rarely call it that, nor do I state that I'm "looking for my soulmate", if you know what I mean. It's so cliche' to use that term, so I tend not to. But the essence of what that term "soulmate" means, I totally believe and expect that level of relationship to unfold in my own life. Always have. SR's book assures that the experience of meeting your soulmate occurs through a number of coincidental/serendipitous signs that indicate you're on the right path with this person. He believes that all individuals who end up developing a relationship with the person they later determine to be their soulmate experience Godwinks along the way, in some form or fashion, that confirm this is the person for them. And I believe/understand where he's coming from. The stories he recounts in his book unfold in that "OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW COULD THAT HAVE HAPPENED!" manner that is almost too coincidental to believe but is also too serendipitous to fabricate. I, for one, understand that coincidences are God's way of letting you know that, in the middle of this BIG OLE UNIVERSE, he's paying close attention to YOU.

Long before I ever heard of this book, I used to remark that God was winking at me every time I looked up and saw the number 416 on a digital clock, building address or on a subway car (or any other random place I tend to see it). Naturally, 416 is my date of birth, and the frequency of which I've seen it over the years literally caused me to think, God must be winking at me! Never knew that there was a book by the same title (When God Winks on Love is actually the second book in the series, the first having the same title sans "on Love".) Along with the sightings of four sixteen, my life over the past few years would make me the posterchild for Godwinks; so many coincidental, serendipitous, happenstancial (is that a word?), "there's no way this is happening" type of things have occured that I don't even question it anymore. I just say, "Thank you Lord" and keep it moving. Maybe it's what's meant by "All things work together", divine order, steps being ordered, and all the other biblical principles that I believe as truth. But SOMETIMES, my mind is completely blown at the intricacies of the Godwinks in my life. The whole saying a person's name in conversation and then they walk into your path hours later (that happened the first night I met Raphael Saadiq! I mentioned to a friend that I dont know what I would do if I ever met him, and then I went out to a party and he was there that very night!!! I asked him if I could join his band!!), or talking about someone all afternoon then getting an email from them saying they'll be here in two weeks and would love to see you (which happened yesterday!), THAT still blows my mind when it happens. Or how about looking at a place on the map and thinking "I'd like to go there one day", then agreeing to take a ride with someone days later only to find out en route that you're headed to the place you saw on the map! I mean, really, the winks from God come frequently and I note them ALL. I do. How could I not (ESPECIALLY since last September I kept thinking of one of my best childhood friends who'd just had a baby, and on the very day I decided that not ANOTHER 24 hours was gonna pass without me calling her to congratulate her on becoming a new mommy, her sister called to tell me that she had passed away that morning.... if I'd just given in to my urges to call days earlier... one day ealier...)

But let me tell you why this book was REALLY assuring. Because the love that was described in this particular book is parallel to the love that I feel for an individual, a guy I've known for some time; a love I believe that I'll hold in my heart for the rest of my life. And I'm not scared, nor do I feel foolish for stating that with such certainty. It's not an intention, it's not a hope, it's just a fact; I believe that I will love this particular man for the rest of my life. That is simply what I believe. I'm not going to get into whether or not I believe we will eventually wind up together as husband and wife happily ever after, or whether or not I think he is my soulmate. But I know that I was led to read a book chroncling the lives of individuals who met their significant other and the randomly orchestrated events that drew them together in an undeniable, irreplaceable bond. We're talking "When I fall in love, it will be forever" love, and the sensationally fortutious dominoes that tipped over to draw these individuals together. AND the faith in THAT FEELING, that intuition, was as clear an indication as any that they were on the right path. And they kept living their lives on that path and found themselves boo'd up for the longhaul journey! (I'm not talking ball-n-chain, I'm talkin tagteam like whoomp there it is!!) For the record, SR said that the Godwink coincidences weren't necessarily directives telling you WHAT to do, but moreso signposts to let you know that you're moving in the right direction. Of course when you decide you want to go in another direction, you stop looking at the signs on the path you're on and start looking elsewhere. (I note that because I have to say that though there have been more signs than I care to type right now indicating that I'm on a favorable path for loving the person I do, I also believe that if my heart EVER decides to let me off this path, I'll start to see signage for a significant love elsewhere. But I haven't completely fleshed out that train of thought yet because it's not my belief that my heart will be letting go of this one.)

So, in the fortunate folxs mentioned in the book, I saw parallels of my own story reflected. Only, I dont know how my story will continue to unfold, especially considering that I am not in a committed relationship with this love of my life (!), but we are in, and have been in, one another's lives and exist in a comfortable way that makes sense to me (as far as illogical matters of the heart go). At any given time he is my companion and friend, mcgyver, mcdreamy, mcfunny, wise counsel, source of help and intelligent random information/conversation, lookout, adventure, health monitor, and flat out FAVORITE person to be in the presence of. HE is my preference, flawed and awed. So. For me to feel so strongly, I just gotta have faith that I'm not crazy when it comes to the dude I'm crazy about. You know what I mean... Because I am believing for the best case scenario with THIS person. The best case scenario scenario with him is that our days will play out together, keeping one another content with unconditional love, support, affection and laughter. The next best case would be that the way I feel about him, I will be able to feel about someone else who can reciprocate it if, in fact, he never comes around. (I mean, this isn't a science, it's not mathematics, so-aside from my intuition- I really don't know the outcome.)

But it's out of my hands. He hasn't stated that he wants all of that with me. I realize that. But. he's still here. very much a part of my life. blowing my mind being his plain ol'self. Though, as things would unfold I won't be seeing him for a while as he's leaving for a couple of months. Even though I don't see him everyday, I know that I'll miss him. But I also know it is what it is. In any case, I'm feeling a guy-aitus coming on. I've been spending my time with guys I KNOW I don't want to consider spending my life with, and at this point, this casual [dating] business is for the birds. Like, I'm not looking to lock any old husband down, you know, it's just, as I explained, the point at which you KNOW without a doubt that there is a person on earth who makes you feel complete (and you actually KNOW that person and currently spend time with him)... why waste time with individuals who dont fit the bill just because they're there. Plus, I've kinda been all over the place lately. Should I listen to everyone and end blah because he isn't doing/saying blah; should I just date blah because he's around even if I know I'm not comfortable with blank about him; should I just be completely open and available right now so to increase the chances of meeting someone wow! in the midst of all these other blahs... it's all very BLAH to me right now. And I'm not amused. So, I'd rather fall back. Have fun with my platonic male friends (they ARE lots of fun, these guys). Let go of the stress, and let God. God is really the author and the finisher. That's who's writing my story, and he's not gonna write some bootleg never ending sob story where I was convinced without doubt that I loved a man who never got it until it was too late for anything to happen with someone else. I don't believe that. That is NOT my story. (Besides, as long as you're alive, it's never too late for love to bloom!) MY STORY is that the man of my DREAMS is doing whatever he* needs to do to feel like he's ready for whatever is in store for us. It just remains to be seen exactly when the man of my dreams will feel like he's ready and actually tell me. But I'm patient. So I will wait until he's ready, because I only want to do this once.

*whether it's the person I believe it to be or another man with whom my path will be orchestrated by the Most High. Like seriously, I'll take either or. Thank you very kindly.