Tuesday, December 02, 2008

men...

so.
as i stand in the wake of accepting that the man i've loved unconditionally for the better part of two years does not, in fact, feel the same way for me (and, apparently, never will), i get a phone call at midnight tonight from another person who "just decided to call" and share that though we do not speak or even see each other very often that he does love me, loves everything about me, "your spirit, your beauty, how talented and inspiring you are, how caring and warm and funny you are" he said "i don't care how it sounds, shoot... i love you!" and it didn't necessarily take me by surprise because when we WERE spending time together, it seemed as if this was something where love COULD develop if we LET it. (i just figured neither one of us was in a position to let it truly develop -me being in love with someone else and him having other issues- and we eventually stopped seeing each other.) so i let him talk some more (i mean, wouldn't you!) and he eventually apologized for something that had happened between us shortly after we met, that i had clear forgotten about because, well, i'm not one to hold on to those kinds of things. but it still bothered him all of this time that this situation had taken place. he said that i was too special of a person to him to not fully explain himself and extend a sincere apology, and that there is just something special about me that he hasn't been able to shake off. after being so open he casually laid the disclaimer that he's in no way saying that he's trying to spend the rest of his life with me and was quick to acknowledge his own character flaws, which i'm FULLY aware of, but said at the end of the day i "deserve to know that someone out here loves" me..... the crazy thing is that he didn't even know, i mean had no way of knowing, that i'm currently living out a personal heartbreak moment in my own life, and that, as far as i'm concerned (right now, anyway), LATER for all this -love- business. (not "never" but LATER!) i thanked him for his words, suggested perhaps God was speaking through him at the very moment, to encourage my faith that the same energy i put into loving someone can be redirected at me in a mutual way. i told him what i'd been going through the past couple of days, and that whereas his words were a balm to my soul at that moment, i'm just taking them in for THIS moment. i told him that i'm going into hibernation for now so that i can really get past this other thing once and for all, and that since i have no idea how long it will take, i'm not really tryin to think about loving or love from anyone else. he said he understood, but insisted that he was going to be there for me (what he say?? be "my rock in the middle of this tidle wave!") to tell the truth i'm really thinking, "*chuckle* yeah... okay.... we'll see." (I'm not gonna hold my breath on that one.) he also said i deserve to receive the kind of love that i give. and i believe that, i do. i just don't know that i understand how deserving that kind of love works in conjunction with actually ATTAINING it with one particular person, and it be mutual. but that's not for me to figure out right now. right now i have to figure out how to let go of this other lovejones that has overstayed its welcome.

(.......sigh.... men.)

i'm going to sleep.

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