Wednesday, August 13, 2008

On a shore in Montauk

i recently told a friend, who's always been more than a friend, but never allowed me to label him as more than a friend, whose never enabled me to allow for our friendship to end, that i do/still/and will always love him, that for the rest of my life this will basically be the case, and that i was okay with that.

don't trip. i'm not on some depressing, melodramatic "i love you and i only want to be with you..." type of vibe. that ship sailed last year. i kinda think it's cool that we are still in one another's lives in the capacity that we are. it is my belief that neither one of us is interested in severing the relationship. we're easy. the friendship is easy like sunday morning, as lionel richie would say. and thats why i love him. just as he is. i think accepting people as they are and being able to truly appreciate and find joy in that is one the greatest measures of loving someone. i freakin love this one! :) thoughts of him have always made me smile. his mere presence feels right, correct, without err. he cares about me. offers tangible solutions to my problems, problems that have nothing to do with him. he brings me cake. if i could get inside his brain and walk around, there's no telling what expanse of knowledge i'd come across. i believe he knows everything, though he'll adamantly deny it (more accurately, he knows a little bit about most things.) his consciousness and moral compass continue to guide. his integrity abounds. he is inherently the type of individual i would love. in all of that, we have a number of differences, something he likes to point out. yet our differences only further justify why i love him. and i don't think we are that different.

having said all of that. i know that he's not my man. it's not been that long i've accepted it, but i have. i'm starting to understand how this love'n'relationships thing works, either that or i'm starting not to really care how it works. in lieu of worrying about whats going on and where it's going, i'm more taken with enjoying the moments we share, cause they are REAL, and appreciating when they manifest... however often or far between our meetings occur.

i've had the pleasure of seeing him more often in the past few weeks. it's been welcomed in the wake of wondering what is going on with other people i call myself liking and hoping that it would grow into something more significant. (i may have been trying to rush something with someone that couldn't or shouldn't be rushed. and though we have a good time together, it's turned out not to be easy. at all. at times it doesn't feel right. at the worst point, he didn't seem trustworthy. and though i have no idea, nor do i want to know, if it's completely over --because i do like HIM-- i haven't seen him in three weeks. and as things stand, i would not be able to accept him as he is today.) anyway, back to this friend, this man i love, we seem to be on this very Joel&Clementine order of existing, inexplicably drawn to one another. I know that's a movie. but it's a movie where the two main characters find their way back to one another even after ending the relationship and erasing one another from their psyches. when i was getting over the heartbreak of "ending" the relationship i had with this friend last year (as it was) i would often lament how much easier it would be if i could just forget him, and all the precious memories. but even if that could occur, based on the film, we'd still end up back in one another's lives. On a shore in Montauk.

i am convinced i will always love him.

that's not to say that i will not eventually fall in love and spend a life with someone else. a part of me welcomes the idea; the logical part of me. it's that part of me steeped in the truth of nostalgia that refuses to let go of the love i so value. and why should i? i feel like to just let go of such an authentic loving experience would be to violently attack my ideals on LOVE. so we don't end up together in a committed relationship, i can accept that. i can't accept that something so pure would need to cease existing. I can think of a couple of relationships, though completely platonic, that have ended over the past ten years. One in particular I can understand why it ended, another I have no idea why. Regardless, I am still a bit hurt that either had to end. Yeah, I understand about seasons and such, but if I think about them long enough it still hurts, there's still a void. So I don't. I hope to never have to block this particular friendship. I understand that it will continue to evolve and even change should either one of us develop significant relationships with other people. or some other life circumstances take us away from one another. That's a reality I know is coming. so again, i don't think about it. perhaps we'll simultaneously lose interest in one another for good, that way the final ending of our relationship as we know it will not cause a void in either of our lives. Life.

the good thing is that i know how to hang on to good people if i have anything to do with it. he's good to me and for me. always has been, and i'd like to believe always will be. i should be lucky to find someone like him, only better! (shoot if i still have a chance to meet someone even better.... ) i can't even think about something longterm with anyone right now, or better yet, all i can do is THINK about it, because i can't force it to happen with anyone. i have faith that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. but when there are days i'm home wishing i was spending time with a significant other (as opposed to having to get to know someone else or just wish someone was around period) it kinda underscores one quasi-fear that things will take off professionally and i will be 39 and still desiring a long lasting love affair with one man. anyway, this revelry is not about the BlackWomanisms that often occur. it's about consistently being over the moon for one man; and while understanding that it is what it is, i am free to love who i will, and i won't be choosing to give this one up.

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