Sunday, July 27, 2008

downside up and upside down

i don't know if everything seems so....wrong... right now because they are, or because of the hyper-emotionality that is commonly caused by my tendency to feel any and everything a hundred times over due to the stress of pms (the run-on sentence of a walking nerve ending.)
thank God i'm not crying. so either things are not that bad, or...they haven't gotten bad enough to warrant that type of cathartic shedding. whatever is going on, i'm most thankful that the cramps did not have me beat this time. though, on the ride back from DC this AM i downed like three advils just to be sure i would make it okay. and though my uterus didn't totally wild'out on me-- this time, i've been here in the bed since getting home. in and out of sleep and random streams of conscious thought relating to but not limited to:

myshakydealingswithleemays
myfearofbeingcalledtobecomeateacherinanycpublicschool
howicanfindmoremoneyelsewhereifteachingisnottheonlyoption
wonderingwhyi'msodoggonedrained
thatnewgnarlsbarkleyvideothatissoetchedintruthit'sdepressing

***
onL2thaM
we're approaching our fourth month of dealing with one another. and though i had my-four month-epiphany a few weeks ago, i don't think i can attribute any of that conjecture to how i'm currently feeling about us. suffice it to say, i know we are still digging one another in the most authentic way. i like him, he like me. but thats where it ends. thats the only thing i know for sure. when people have heavy issues they're dealing with and are enduring trying times they're making it through, finding time to spend with the person you like just is not a priority. and you struggle to accept it, and question whether its worth it,even though you can see a little progress. afterall, you have your own stuff you're wading through and working out. (cultivating a relationship is not at the top of the list of what immediately needs to be addressed in my life.) but when you have a couple of questionable episodes with the dude, you start wondering if this has been his normal way of existing with women, or if his behavior is currently being influenced by the physical and emotional stress of circumstance. whatever the case/cause, it becomes evident that you don't want to answer questions like "are you mad?" when you figure that [you'd hope] the person you're dealing with won't be doing anything to warrant asking THAT question. and then you pull the trigger on your well thought out answer, wondering if you just totally shot the whole relationship down, but justified in shooting from the hip. and wondering where hope and potential fall into the whole mix of patience and accountability..... men. where are the simple, nice guys?

***
once upon a time i said, "i don't do complicated."
cwj responded, "well, if you don't do complicated, you don't do love."
so, i've come to realize in the past two years that, apparently,
i do complicated.
but, complicated and dysfunctional, two completely different things. so.
i have to make a choice of sticking around to see if this complication is really dysfunction trying to rear it's ugly, unwelcomed head, or if it's just two people very much still getting to know one another in the midst of some heavy life growing pains/unexpected traumas that can only be worked out and healed in time.

***
anyway, i'm so freakin tired and drained right now. my feet feel like they've walked a hundred miles. i've been asleep for most of the day, which means i haven't eaten since this AM when Ro & i were on the road from DC back to BK (turnaround trips take so much out of you.) that was over sixteen hours ago. but my mouth feels like it's sealed shut (which is good because my breath is probably too offensive for even my own self to endure) and i'm only resigned to getting up to use the bathroom. so i won't be writing about any of the other stuff thats bothering me right now.

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