Monday, June 02, 2008

patient

so what do you do, when you really care for someone, then you find out something about them that cast things into a totally different light, something that isn't BAD but is a truth you had no idea about, and they ask you to be patient, and you want to be patient, but you have no idea what that means in terms of how you're supposed to and/or expected to deal with them, and so you begin to scrutinize every meet up or phone call or text msg or silence to figure out if something is different or if its exactly the same as before you knew this truth?

there is this boy that i like. very much. i could even love. if we remain in present/pleasant company. and he shared something with me the other night. and it seemed to be a bit of a struggle. but i listened. and i asked him if he was telling me because he didn't want to see me anymore. was this an easy let down. was he all of a sudden feeling differently about me. or was this not about me at all? he looked into my eyes and said that he was in no way asking that we step away from one another. he said that i was a constant positive in his life. that he was not ready to lose me. and he asked me to be patient with him. to be patient.

patient? i've never had a guy, a love interest, someone i desired and enjoyed, ask me to be patient with him. (there was a time when i would've wanted someone else to ask me to be patient with him, and i would have. but he didn't.) so this is something new. it's a new request and it is, indeed, a new phase of our relationship. definitely passed that new swooooon/fresh off the "such a pleasure to meet you" phase (though i can't imagine NOT swooning, it's what i do :) but moving into that reality phase, that "THIS is ME, will you please be unconditional with it" type of thing. and grant it, it's nothing dysfunctional or to be greatly concerned about. it's more indicative of where he is in life, in his mindspace, and in fact, with me. it's an uncertain place for both of us. some life changes are imminent for both of us, but not quite here. i have to afford him the space to get the things done he needs. and i'm going to.

but i'll be doggone if i can't just meet a dude that i like and who likes me, and we're freakin able to just spend our time together, loving to be together when i get ready or when he gets ready or when we get ready without all of this other business of obstacles and challenges and remnants of the past and uncertain futures and distance and so forth (ie LIFE) getting in the doggone way.

patient, hunh.
here's what onelook had to say about it:
enduring trying circumstances with even temper or characterized by such endurance.
enduring without protest or complaint.
good nature display of delay or incompetence.
bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.
not hasty or impetuous.
steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity.
manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.
not bothered by having to wait.
not unwilling to wait.
willingness or ability to wait calmly when faced with delay.
("composed" is an synonym that puts things into an interesting perspective as well.)

so yeah. please be patient with me, he asked. and i will. but God please (this is my prayer), please don't let my patience become a holding pattern for progress that will not occur.

1 comment:

aisha said...

ooh, chile. you got it...well, i won't say you got it bad. you got it good. hopefully you learn more about yourself during this time - be gentle with yourself!