Wednesday, June 18, 2008

month four

so i have this theory that REALITY sets in by month four; the unpleasant reality of most things, if not EVERYthing, definitely sets in by month four.

there's something about the weeks leading up to that fourth month that cause for the soft 1940's studio lighting that makes everything 'juuuust so' to segue into this harsh unflattering florescent-light scope of existence. i mean, i think about how gungho i've been about certain jobs that i've held in the past few years, and even most recently at uwg; sooo excited to be hired for suuuccchh a great opportunity and whhaaaattt a great chance for something veerrryyy significant to develop. but then here comes month four dragging it's behind into the building, and i'm sitting there like "how much longer do i have to do this???" i'm not sure, exactly, if this is some kind of problem I HAVE with the monotony that everyday things can bring which you just can't get around no matter how positive and silly and creative you are, or WHAT is really going on within the fourth month of any given situation. all i'm sayin is that, by month four whatever contentment i thought i'd had in something (work related and sometimes otherwise) tends to tarnish, if not fade.

let's apply the month four theory to the men in my life. i'm realizing that it was during month four of the quasi-relationship i had with the last man i loved that things started a downward spiral. we started "hanging out" in late may, and spent june, july and august in what i like to think of as a pretty whimsical summer. but if i remember correctly, september was the first time i felt that perhaps something was not right from his perspective and perhaps what we were doing was, in fact, not desired by him--though we enjoyed one another's company. that was the very first attempt at "maybe we shouldn't be involved with one another", and the emotional emails and text messages and tears, then deciding to continue entertaining each other since we were still drawn to one another... which ensued throughout the rest of the year--way past month four all the way into 2008, believe it or not. (to be fair, it can be safely said that it ended for him way before it ended for me. what can i say, i love hard.) but the point is, by september 2006 the whimsy had left the building. it was a good summer though. arguably one of the finests i'll ever have.

then there was "brian mc'(k)not", a nice handsome upstanding ambitious christian brotha i started "talking to"/building with around january of this year. we'd actually met through work back in 2006, but it wasn't until late '07 that we made a truer connection and started vibing on a regular basis, and it was evident that perhaps we could make something significant work between us.... but "perhaps" became null-and-void once it was even more evident that he was waaaayyyy too unavailable (read: BUSY) to do more than entertain nightly phone calls and unlimited text messages, which were more infrequent the busier he became. during our "time together" i think i saw him face2face a total of four times, and by april (month four) whatever we had had run it's course. now, you can't hate on a brotha for being focused on his GRIND and other responsibilities, but you can't expect to realistically develop anything between the two of you either.

and so, now i get to spend time with my sweet Dulce de Lee-che! it hasn't yet been four months that we've been involved; we met in mid april, it's now mid june--nine weeks later to be exact. and though we're crazy about one another, since i came up with my four month theory earlier today, i'm kinda wondering if we'll even still be interested in continuing to develop what we have come august. now don't get me wrong, i'm confident that the way i feel about him will only continue to grow, and he's quick to says the same. but sometimes people say one thing and then, for whatever reasons, change their minds. and certainly i believe you have the right to change your mind when you good-and-well please, i do it all the time. i decide that this "thing" (whatever the thing is) is NOT what i thought it was going to be and decide that i no longer want to be a part. it's not being a flake, thats what free will is all about, isn'it? so, i guess there's only one way to know if we will still be building some kind of relationship past month four on august 15th, and that's to freakin continue to enjoy one another's company when we can and missing one another when we're away. i don't have no crystal ball or cards, and even if i did, i wouldn't look at 'em; i'm not so much into all that wizardry'n'gargamel'isms and however else you call it. but you get what i mean, there's absolutely no way for me to know how things are going to turn out between us, four months, eight months, two or forty years down the line. i hope to still know him then, i hope to really love him then. i hope to still think the world of him then. i hope he'll still think i'm the beautiful flower with the silly-girl grin that blows his mind. but i can only put my hand on today. and expect the best.

so, i'm tryin to see what my bottomline is on this "month four theory". if i put my "your past doesn't have to dictate your future" theory into play, that would completely nullify this cynical "it seems the thrill tarnishes by month four" train of thought that's crept in today. so yeah, that's what i'm gonna do, i'm just gonna squash it. and look forward to many more months of happiness and success.

1 comment:

aisha said...

lol - my own theory used to be six months. then, some smart HU friend of mine told me that the theory only existed because *I* gave life to it and could easily stop it's existence.

so do what you do. expect happiness in anything you do... expect a bright future.