Tuesday, May 27, 2008

stuck in memory

i spent most (most as in all) of the holiday under the covers, due to the stress culminating from hormones raging against the machine (see: diary/hhea of growing pains in a posting below) followed by the inevitable uterine crampfest, incapacitating me for the past 20 hours (yay, one day-if i'm lucky, i suppose- i'll get to experience labor pains as well...) surely i'll resume some state of normalcy, well hopefully, soon (ie the next few hours.) so, yeah. i'll spare you the agonizing yet common details and just say i'm thankful that meds were in the building. suffice it to say, it's a good thing i really don't have a need to be poppin pills during my regular daily routine, because when it comes to this cramp business, it's all i can do to find enough peace to go back to sleep...

so in between sleeping spells, it dawned on me that on this weekend two years ago i first ventured out to coney island with this boy (read: man- for the record, we're all boys and girls, in my eyes, when it comes to matters of the heart) i ended up really falling hard for. it wasn't the first time we'd gone out but it definitely was one of those magically charged moments i live for, and definitely the first time i'd thought about kissing him even though we were just friends. we'd gotten to coney island kinda late in the day, but did all the stuff you do over there: walked through the amusement park, gotten adequate whiplash on the Colossus roller coaster (or whatever it's called), played a couple of games, and walked on the shore to the water. it was there, on the beach at about dusk:30, with the waves and the clouds and the sand and mermaids that the magnetic attraction seemed to be pulling. but he didn't make a move. nor did i. so the moment passed. and i stood there thinking, "i'm like 27 years old! if i want to kiss this dude, why don't i??" ..but what do you do when the moment passes, you make some kind of bogus comment and laugh it off. i don't quite remember now how the moment played out, but i do remember my mother calling and i told her i was out chilling on the atlantic beach for a change (being that i'm usually over on the pacific side.) after hanging up, he & I made our move towards the boardwalk and onto the f train back to the city. i eventually got to kiss him. like a month later... :*

i don't know why i thought of that today. well i guess i do know; it was memorial day weekend. i tend to think of myself as an "in the moment" type of person, but that's not completely accurate. i'm too often stuck in memory. i claim to not want to be thinkin of certain periods of my life that have since expired, but the truth is that to think of them reminds me of what CAN possibly BE. thinking about this memory didn't put me into a frazzled state of longing for something that will never again be, but it was like watching a scene from a beloved romance film that i can't get enough of watching. and Lord knows i watch the same ones over and over again. it was like watching a scene from a movie and thinking, "wow, now that would be nice", but actually saying "wow, that really WAS nice." it was a charming flashback that took me to a place that had left many moons prior.

whose to say i will think of it again (lol although let me be real, i probably will.) i've gotten out of the habit of rehashing those particularly precious memories (furreal, my heart can't take them in prolonged doses. i'll start asking "why" and saying that i don't understand how two people can enjoy one another's company and still not be able to be together, and asking "shouldn't this be much simpler..?") i realize that eventually my canon of romantic memories will consist of a completely new repertoire, and will cover much more than what i've already captured. i'm really looking forward to it

but, yo. today, i just had to relax in the reverie. just lean in, look around, inhale the thoughts as they come. exhale, and watch the moments play out on the screen of my mind.

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