Thursday, May 29, 2008

MERCY, Lord.

U.S. Army suicides highest in 2007

By David Morgan

WASHINGTON, May 29 (Reuters) - The U.S. Army on Thursday said suicides among active duty troops in 2007 had reached the highest level on record, due partly to the stress caused by deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.

The Army announced that 115 soldiers, including 22 National Guard and Army Reserve troops, killed themselves last year. That marked a 12.7 percent rise from the 102 suicides recorded in 2006. There were 85 Army suicides in 2005.

It was the highest number of actual suicides in the military force since record-keeping began in 1980 and Army officials said the rate has remained at about the same level since, with 38 confirmed suicides recorded for 2008 as of last Monday.

The Army also said there were 935 suicide attempts in 2007.

Preliminary figures released in January had suggested the number of suicides in 2007 could reach 121.

Thirty-two suicides, or more than one-quarter of the actual 2007 total, occurred in Iraq as President George W. Bush poured extra forces into the country in an effort to quell sectarian violence. Another four occurred in Afghanistan.

Army officials said statistics did not show a direct link between repeated deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan and the rise in suicides.

But officials acknowledged that stresses caused by wartime Army operations were taking their toll on soldiers including in their personal relationships, the breakup of which was cited as a catalyst in 50 percent of cases.

"We see a lot of things that are going on in the war which do contribute," said Army psychiatrist Col. Elspeth Ritchie.

She pointed specifically to long months away from home, the horrors of combat, the ready availability of loaded weapons and the high activity levels of current Army operations.

"All of those together we think are part of what may contribute, especially if somebody's having difficulties already," she said.

While 24 percent of cases occurred among soldiers sent to a combat theater for the first time, only 7 percent involved soldiers who had been deployed two or more times. Twenty-six percent had never been deployed.

Forty-three percent of suicides occurred after soldiers had returned to their home station.

But officials said the suicide rate for the Army remained below a civilian rate of 19.5 suicides per 100,000 people in the general population.

Army rate stood at 18.8 suicides per 100,000 regular active duty troops and at 16.8 per 100,000 when active duty National Guard and Reserve members were included in the total.

Not included in the statistics were 53 suicides last year among National Guardsmen and Reservists who were not on active duty.

(Editing by Sandra Maler)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

should you feel like a fool

for believing that you're in love with someone after knowing them for only six weeks? i keep saying "only" because to me it is the qualifier that indicates that i KNOW six weeks is not a long time in the grand scheme of things (but it's long enough to know how you feel). it also indicates that i know there's a world of things i still don't know about this cat. and i know that it possibly may not last OR possibly not be "love" at all. because it's "only been six weeks".

but the thing is: i don't feel foolish. i welcome the feeling. because what if IT really is what i think it is? what if he really does feel the same? what if we really are becoming a "WE"? then, God bless the moment that two more people have realized that Love is a beautiful and necessary thing.

so there's been this whole question of "is love at first sight real?" that i keep asking. from conversations with my pops, i understand the phenomenon to be a very hollywood thing that is not the basis for a real love experience. and i was cool with believing that-- until April 15, 2008 when i came into the presence of someone i've come to deem quite special. since that day, i've found myself frequently joking, "IF i believed in love at first sight, then i definitely experienced it... and just HOURS before my birthday, what a gift!"

surely, i stand with my pops in believing that love is a choice someone makes to support that deeply amorous feeling with action (and eventually commitment). you love someone by how you treat them, how you cherish and esteem them, how you take care of them, how you live for them, and ONLY them. which does take time to develop in a true way. matterfact, that grows over a lifetime. it develops. it continues. it's challenged. in a real way. but it's real. however, i'm starting to really believe that that "love at first sight" thing (or at least "love at first encounter") can also occur to inform you that THIS IS a person you can love (if you really choose to).

all this to say, i wouldn't be surprised if we were really in love. like india said a few years back, i'm ready for it. i welcome it. so. i'ma sit back and see what happens. but as long as it feels right, i will maintain that it felt right from the first moment we met.

(and like FURREAL, if -in fact- it starts to feel wrong, then you know what, at least i know my heart is back in proper working condition....)

stuck in memory

i spent most (most as in all) of the holiday under the covers, due to the stress culminating from hormones raging against the machine (see: diary/hhea of growing pains in a posting below) followed by the inevitable uterine crampfest, incapacitating me for the past 20 hours (yay, one day-if i'm lucky, i suppose- i'll get to experience labor pains as well...) surely i'll resume some state of normalcy, well hopefully, soon (ie the next few hours.) so, yeah. i'll spare you the agonizing yet common details and just say i'm thankful that meds were in the building. suffice it to say, it's a good thing i really don't have a need to be poppin pills during my regular daily routine, because when it comes to this cramp business, it's all i can do to find enough peace to go back to sleep...

so in between sleeping spells, it dawned on me that on this weekend two years ago i first ventured out to coney island with this boy (read: man- for the record, we're all boys and girls, in my eyes, when it comes to matters of the heart) i ended up really falling hard for. it wasn't the first time we'd gone out but it definitely was one of those magically charged moments i live for, and definitely the first time i'd thought about kissing him even though we were just friends. we'd gotten to coney island kinda late in the day, but did all the stuff you do over there: walked through the amusement park, gotten adequate whiplash on the Colossus roller coaster (or whatever it's called), played a couple of games, and walked on the shore to the water. it was there, on the beach at about dusk:30, with the waves and the clouds and the sand and mermaids that the magnetic attraction seemed to be pulling. but he didn't make a move. nor did i. so the moment passed. and i stood there thinking, "i'm like 27 years old! if i want to kiss this dude, why don't i??" ..but what do you do when the moment passes, you make some kind of bogus comment and laugh it off. i don't quite remember now how the moment played out, but i do remember my mother calling and i told her i was out chilling on the atlantic beach for a change (being that i'm usually over on the pacific side.) after hanging up, he & I made our move towards the boardwalk and onto the f train back to the city. i eventually got to kiss him. like a month later... :*

i don't know why i thought of that today. well i guess i do know; it was memorial day weekend. i tend to think of myself as an "in the moment" type of person, but that's not completely accurate. i'm too often stuck in memory. i claim to not want to be thinkin of certain periods of my life that have since expired, but the truth is that to think of them reminds me of what CAN possibly BE. thinking about this memory didn't put me into a frazzled state of longing for something that will never again be, but it was like watching a scene from a beloved romance film that i can't get enough of watching. and Lord knows i watch the same ones over and over again. it was like watching a scene from a movie and thinking, "wow, now that would be nice", but actually saying "wow, that really WAS nice." it was a charming flashback that took me to a place that had left many moons prior.

whose to say i will think of it again (lol although let me be real, i probably will.) i've gotten out of the habit of rehashing those particularly precious memories (furreal, my heart can't take them in prolonged doses. i'll start asking "why" and saying that i don't understand how two people can enjoy one another's company and still not be able to be together, and asking "shouldn't this be much simpler..?") i realize that eventually my canon of romantic memories will consist of a completely new repertoire, and will cover much more than what i've already captured. i'm really looking forward to it

but, yo. today, i just had to relax in the reverie. just lean in, look around, inhale the thoughts as they come. exhale, and watch the moments play out on the screen of my mind.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

the aforementioned mos def verse

I stretch my arms towards the sky
like blades of tall grass.
The sun beat between my shoulders
like carnival drums.
I sat still
in hopes that it would
help my wings grow,
so then I could really be fly.

And then she arrived.
Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,
like the new moon,
like a diamond in the mines,
like high noon to a junkie:
Sudden…

She made my heart beat
in the now/now time signature,
her skin
a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.
She was the sun's painting,
she was a deep cognac color.

Her eyes sparkle
like lights along the new city.
Her lips pursed
as if her breath was too sweet
and full for her mouth to hold.

I said:
"You are the beautiful
distress of mathematics,"

I said:
"For you,

I will peel open the clouds
like new fruit,

and give you lightning and thunder
as a dowry.

I will make the sky shed
all of it's stars like rain,

and I will clasp the constellations
across your waste,

and i will
make the heavens
your cape.

And they will be pleased to cover you,
they will be pleased to cover you,

May i please… cover you…
…please…"

(diary)hhea of growingpains

WHY

does it seem (seem, as in SEEM)
that some people really got it all together
like they're supposed to?
hunh?
like, it SEEMS most people
know what they want to be from way back in the day;
wanted to be a lawyer, went to law school
wanted to be an occupational therapist, studied that, doing that
wanted to be film producer, working for a production company
studied engineering, doing whatever it is engineers do
(i know lots of folk who studied the various areas of engineering
and they work at lots of different companies and agencies
from hughes-when they were around- to morgan stanley to raytheon)
studied nursing to become a nurse
studying nursing to become a midwife
i even met a kind person
who got a bachelor's in psychology
a master's in neuroscience
and owns a longterm home health care company....
folx be like twennyfour, twennyfive
and coming out the gate HARD in a legitimate career path...

((...excuse me...... i got sidetracked, found some new music. took me away for about 45mins, but i'm back. now it's 12:33. what was i talkin' about??? ...ah yes...))

what the hell did i want to be when i was a child? when i was in college? last week?

(i can't remember.)

you know what i do remember?
what i've always been good at.
what i've done well.
what's come naturally.
what i've always done.
what's eeeeeaaasssssyyyy like sunday morning.

the pen is my friend.
i inherited the written and spoken word.
i inherited a love of all things musical.
i inherited comfort on the stage
all things born of artistic integrity
all things aesthetically pleasing.
my passion is like still water
it runs deeeeeeeep.
i'm a walking nerve ending.
i dance with urgency. i dream in chorus.
i feel everything a'hunnid times over.
i [apparently] did not inherit the drive
or compass to make it happen as a profession though.

and so what does that mean?

(i can't remember where i was going with this....)

i think when i started rambling i was thinking about these people that know what they've wanted to do and they've diligently been able to exist in either doing it or working towards it and they, like, get married in their twennies and have, like, one or two or three babies, and if/when it does't work they get married again, and buy a house in the cul-de-sac in carson or condo in atlanta (or at least rent a really nice apartment in fort greene), and go on to work and they get bonuses and they take vacations and meet their deadlines and have clients that pay them (or their companies) lots of money, and they kinda are (at least a lil bit) enslaved to the client's demands, but it's okay cause they make it work since they have to pay off the nice things they have, and they buy gas and insurance, but when they need a check up or a prescription or have to get a biopsy or jr needs braces or whatever it is you inevitably need to do, these folk can go handle that. and it's totally normal. thats the normal way to exist. EVERYBODY does it.

then here i go
in my infinite state of ABnormality
(was i an abnormal child? i can't remember...)
comfortable being a bizarre bird linguaphile.
uncomfortable in the 16th floor executive suite
more content to daydream in the boardmeeting about
delusions of grandeur
continent-hopping or modeling or becoming a storybook author or whatever it is i seem to have come very close to doing in the past eight years (or longer).

okay, so i mean, technically i am doing
sum'n. (fill in the _SOMEthingblank_ with
all kinds of things that some people find interesting, i suppose,
but love to ask "so how do you make money?",
that are supposedly integral steps to a career in something.)
but forreal. like FORREAL.
this. is. not. what. i was. expecting.

((for the record, let's attribute this scatterbrained confession to hormones that are currently raging against the machine.))

i left security to jump. i called it my proverbial leap'o'faith. i jumped.
now grant it, every day that i was up on that 16th floor, i dreamed of jumping out the window. not jumping and hitting the ground in a big wil-e-coyote cartoonage splat. but moreso leaping from that ledge and, like, totally soaring. (shout out to my favorite mos def lyric-- i stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass. the sun beat between my shoulders like carnival drums. i sat still, in hopes that it would help my wings to grow, so then i could really be fly... --i'll never forget it.) i thought my wings have been growing for the past eight years. eff that. for the past twennynine years. haven't my wings been grooooooowwwwing. do you know how much time i spend in the sun, in hopes that my wings have been growing? and grant it, i'm fly. but am i flying right now!?

i'll be doggone if i'm still taxiing on this runway though. or even standing on the ledge, yo. looking out over the land that i so want to be in. waving at all the folx i know. and i don't know what they see when they look up and see me standing there, on the ledge ("oh there go Mai... she so crazy!") not that it really matters; whether it's good bad or indifferent only has so much bearing on what it is i'm doing out there on the ledge.

so. i DO have one major client. and a couple of smaller folk i work with, to help them with whatever they need at the moment. stuff i do naturally well and they wanna pay me for. or act like they wanna pay me for. (there's one or two folk i need to track down to get my money. but that's a story for another day.) but i mean, like that vision of a career with a capital C is becoming hard for me to come by at this particular juncture. ya'mean. like the way folk's are getting law degrees to go be lawyers, or finance degrees to go be accountants, and stuff. retire from a teaching career, or from AT&T. or law enforcement, the post office even...

the thing is. i'm realizing.
can't nobody help me figure this out.
suggestions, thank you, they're great.
but, you know... (do i even need to finish this particular thought?
you know what, i'll take it in a different direction...)
if you have any great suggestions
letta sista know. selah.

i feel like i'm in junior high school
and i need to go back to career day
or leadership or young black scholars
or SOMETHING. did i want to be a journalist?
cause i don't now. but isn't that what writers do?
and i've been encouraged to join NABJ.
so i guess, at some point, i will.

i tried to join the Peace Corps at one point. go see the world. THAT'S what i freakin remember. wanting to see the world. and don't you know i've tried three times to get and/or develop a career in the airline industry and that joint WILL NOT have me! like are you serious???? i can't be a flight attendant? just like that? i had an internship at an airline in '05, with promise of a fulltime position once i completed the internship, and don't you know those fools straight reneged! (i'm supposed to be over this already... i thought i had let it go. but FURREAL?) i've since applied to said airline for the past three years for various positions, in a shameless attempt to have free worldwide flight privileges, and do you think i've been called to even interview? wtf? you know what would make this quagmire more acceptable? if i knew what i did to a) piss them off, and b) write me off as a valuable employee entitled to free airfare. but you know what? this is the last time i'm mentioning that. august will mark three years that that internship ended, so like ray j. and toni braxton said, i need to LET IT GO.

but yo. furreal. it's embarrassing, yo.
if, in twelve months, i'm in the same precarious state of existing,
that will be.... (i'm not going to finish that thought either.)

and please, lets not bring men into this equation.
outside of being a nice girl, with a silly sense of humor, from a stable family i don't know what it takes to have a wholesome relationship with a significant other. like, that !sht used to be SIM-PLE. at least the way i understand it.
now? not so much. instead, guys tell you how pretty or funny or sexy or smart or interesting or different or deep or necessary you are, and ask you why you still single, and, it's just for the sake of conversation (cause whatever issues they've got won't allow for anything past good conversation or the physical to develop?) and then you look up and you're twennynine or thirtyone or thirtysix or fourtytwo, and you are expected to be okay with not having a significant other in a meaningful relationship. YO! that's bogus. let me tell you. men and women were meant to be together. to coexist in a loving, nurturing, fulfilling environment. relationships being easy or not easy shouldn't even be a topic of conversation. it's NATURAL order. it's the way God meant for it to be. it's healthy for you to unconditionally have someone's back and for them to have you. hook or crook, take me as i am and i'll take you, fonky, bizarre and all. and like..... you have people broken, longing to be with someone, wondering if every dude they meet is THE ONE. got fifteen ex's and still in love with ex#9. or got a lot of infatuated maybe's and no bonafide definite. and wondering, is there something wrong with me or every dude i meet? (thank GOD for romantic comedies and the classics! or i wouldn't know WHAT to believe about love...)

when does it all get better, yo?
Daddy always be on some Adam Clayton Powell, "Keep the faith...." type vibe, and I can dig it.
Cause doggon'it. If i didn't have no faith, then whatever i've been rambling about for the past three hours (it's 2:40pm now) would really keep a sista dePRESSED.
but things i know for sure:
God is good.
His mercy is everlasting. It endures. forever.
He's faithful. His grace abounds.
Jehovah provides.
Trouble does not last always... and even if it does
isn't it my job to count it all joy.
Things surely could be worse.
and nobody said this joint would be easy.


i'm not no glass/half/empty type of chick though.
the sun is out. it's like 74 degrees...
so. i should go make some lemonade out of this lemon.
(mmmmmmm.....lemonade!)

hallelujah, hollaback.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

neh'mind...

is what i'm thinkin after this word to the wise i got from a viable source- my homeboy's fiance who's worked in the NYC and FL library systems (which, consequently, echos a good majority of the sentiments i've come across in other community board research i've done. sheeeeeeeeesh!):

Hey there. I got your email about becoming a librarian. I think in the last few years a lot was publicized about how this is a great profession because of the "graying of librarianship," lots of people retiring=lots of job opportunities, etc., but there is a lot wrong with the field and, if I had to do it again, I would not have gotten the degree. I am hoping not to come across as too bitter, but here are my reasons:

1. Salaries. Librarian salaries are AWFUL. I think a first-year librarian at NYC public libraries makes something like 34K. Now, what career do you know that REQUIRES a master's degree that has such a low starting salary and such low salaries across the board? If you want to work as a "school media specialist" (librarian who works in K-12 schools) expect to make around that same salary. Academic librarians (university librarians) make very little to start as well, and often employers want a SECOND master's because they want to hire "subject specialists." It's better in corporate libraries (law firms, banks, news outlets, etc) but those jobs are extremely competitive and few and far between because those people never leave those jobs. There are lots of reasons why the salary sucks (it's "women's work," budget cuts everywhere, etc) but there is also this sub rosa element to librarianship wherein many librarians are married to men who are wealthy so to complain about salary is perceived as being declasse and blue collar. The American Library Association (ALA) does pay some lip service to this, but dude, taking salary surveys doesn't pay my bills!

2. Diversity. There is NO diversity in librarianship. Perhaps this is slightly better in the city, which is a much more diverse place in general, but overall the field is overwhelming white and old.

3. Libraries are toxic. Academic libraries are political and hierarchical. Some corporate libraries are great, but say you work in a law firm that doesn't have a collegial environment you will get treated like sh!t by the attorneys and no one will stick up for you. Public librarians are overrun with kids whose parents can't afford daycare and you will become a glorified baby-sitter. The homeless and mentally ill also like to congregate in libraries for obvious reasons. If you ever wanted to be a social worker, then I guess this might be fun for you.

4. Job prospects are NIL. Yes, loads of librarians are retiring, but not at the same rate that library schools are churning out graduates. Especially living in an area where there are a few different library schools makes finding jobs even more difficult. Also, because of extreme budget cuts at most libraries, if someone DOES retire, typically her work duties will be distributed to other staff members (with no salary increase) rather than hiring someone new or promoting from within. Also, there are still VERY few entry-level positions and with so many recent grads, libraries can take their time trying to find the perfect candidate (and trust me, it's not unheard of for a library to take 9 months or longer to fill a position, all the while you are waiting with baited breath by the phone and email wondering what the hell is going on with your application.

OK, so let's so I haven't totally turned you off and you're still considering becoming a librarian. Where to go to school? Well, there's the Pratt Institute. Pratt has a campus in downtown Manhattan (14th and 7th) that is convenient, as well as the Brooklyn campus. Anyway, Pratt is a private school and extremely expensive. I think I paid something like $8500 a semester and I graduated in 2005. Queens College has a program and since it's part of CUNY it's much cheaper. BUT the campus is totally inconvenient to get to. I lived in Queens and didn't want to make the commute because it was in the middle of nowhere. It's like, you have to take the 7 train to the end of the line (literally, to Main St.-Flushing) and then take a bus for another 20-30 minutes. It's just a hot mess. Plus, Queens College requires a master's thesis, which Pratt does NOT. LIU also offers a program, but are you going to schlep out to Long Island? Pratt seems like the best way to go, but like I said, it ain't cheap. If you could get a job at one of the public libraries for ZERO pay they may still pay for you to complete your degree, but with all the budget cuts I am not even sure if they do that anymore. I know Brooklyn Public had a program, you might want to look into if they still do.
So, that is my story. If you have any more questions, let me know. Like I said, I have become bitter because my current job sucks so bad, but the job I had in NYC working at a law firm was great. Still, overall, it's not a career I'd recommend. AT ALL.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

In other news

i ate three slices of cheeze pizza for dinner.
three days ago i hate a half'a pint of butter peecan breyers.

i wonder if my bottom will spread by monday.

i think it's time for a midnight run.
(okay. i'm not really gonna go run right now.
everyone knows i don't run. i could take a walk right now though.
and you know i would if i had someone to walk with.)


meanwhile
i didn't really have that much to eat today,
(had two packs of oatmeal around 4pm as a dreaded 1st meal)
so maybe three slices of pizza weren't such a bad thing.

i need to work on this healthy&structured eating thing.
(although. i do eats me bag'o'apples'n'peanutbutta per week.
need more spinach and omega3s though. i wonder how well that
supergreens mix really works...)

okay.
i'm rambling. and nobody is listening.
great.

(it's all good... frasier will be on in 34mins. i was watching a kindred spirit on the tele last weekend, Bridget Jones, and i was reminded that in her infinitely single state she too would spend her evenings watching Fraser. it was almost amusing. I have to remind myself though that i'm not a movie. and my life is not scripted.)

Mai May Challenge....

...wasn't necessarily as interesting and exhilarating as say hitting up a model call at a top agency... but it was something necessary, that i needed to do, that i've never done before, and that allowed me to see a lot about myself.

So today I had to stand up in the King's County Court of New York City to sue someone for the VERY FIRST TIME.

Talk about nervous.
Nerves.
I'm not a confrontational person.
I don't regularly have to fight personal injustices.
Certainly not by myself. Used to having my support system around.
My mom, dad... somebody.
So goin to court, has been a bit of a coming of age experience for me.
Not knowing what to expect of something that adversely affected me. Believing with my whole heart that I need to right this wrong, with the help of the courts.
Having to come face to face with something/someone i totally didn't feel like confronting.

BUT it needed to be done, and I did it.
this month.

ps.. ALL DAY the theme song to NIGHT COURT was playing in my head....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

okay okay!! to FURTHER my point of wanting to take up a life of LIBRARIANISM!

Yeah... this ain't ya'Momma's libarianship either!!!! (I'm getting even more excited!!!!!)

Excerpt from NY Times article, A Hipper Crowd of Shushers:

"And though many librarians say that they, like nurses or priests, are called to the profession, they also say the job is stable, intellectually stimulating and can have reasonable hours — perfect for creative types who want to pursue their passions outside of work and don’t want to finance their pursuits by waiting tables. (The median salary for librarians was about $51,000 in 2006, according to the American Library Association-Allied Professional Organization.)"

It goes on to talk about, as I imagined, how Librarianism (yes! i made it up... as a prospective librarian with a master's of creative writing, i can take that license!) is the perfect career for the meeting of cultural, artistic, social and intellectual thought..... and i think i'm ready to jump in!!!! but still more research... meanwhile, i'm gonna see if i can track down the group of librarians that are featured in this article!

oh and also, here's cool article about an INDIE-corporate librarian who banked SIX FIGURES last year developing corporate libraries for clients! yowza!

two fine arts degrees + one master's of science (should) = a nice paying stable career!

i'm tired of being an under-employed writer/artist. i'm tired of looking for office jobs that drive me cuckoo4cocoapuffs. i'm tired of being stuck in the middle of wanting to go back to school but not knowing what practical doctoral program would be of interest (i mean, furreal, what am i gonna do as an ethnomusicologist??? sounds like sumn i'd do, but geez i can't figure out what i'd do!) i pray for the Lord's direction. everyday. and in expecting to be led, i came across an article listing the top career choices for women. on that list was the profession of LIBRARIAN. years ago, once I completed my BFA from Howard, i thought of being a librarian, and actually had researched the path to becoming one and saw that Laura Bush has (or at that time, had) an initiative to employ more library professionals. i, instead, went to Sarah Lawrence and obtained my Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. as i've continued on my career path, knowing clearly what i don't want to do, Librarianism as a lifestyle has again become of interest (as of tonight to be exact). libraries are a wonderful place. everything you need to know in life is in the library. i've always loved them. even as a child. even today, going to the library is a total treat. the fact that i owe upwards of $30 in fines is no reflection on how much i love this establishment. it seems like the perfect place for a writer, to say the least. not to mention i'm voracious when it comes to information. i appreciate the cultural and artistic opportunities that many libraries (like the Schomburg) represent and house. libraries have great hours (much like schools and government jobs!) you get benefits and paid time off. you get most evenings, many weekends, and all holidays off. there's great cultural and artistic programming produced at the libraries. it seems to be the perfect career move i've been looking for. cause i DO NOT want to go back to the corporate office environment. i dont i dont i dont. DOWN WITH THE 16th FLOOR. anway, in order to be a librarian you have to get a Master's of Science in Library and Information Studies (MSLIS), and it appears to be at your advantage to already hold a Master's degree (score!) AND if you do already have said first Master's degree, you don't have to take the GRE (bonus!)

so, i mean, though this is a thought revisited, this is still all very new. which is why it's 4:51am and i'm still up writing about it! i feel like i did when i decided to apply to Sarah Lawrence though, which means perhaps this is a step in the right direction! too bad i didn't get the epiphany sooner; perhaps i could be starting this fall :( but everything has it's timing. if i start in Jan or next fall, i will be 32 (geez!) by the time i finish the program, which is as good a time as ever to establish a new career..... the good thing is that (i believe- unless it is my misconception) the librarian schedule will still allow me to follow my artistic goals (re: ella(ella ella eh eh eh)/other book projects, music projects, etc), and will probably work to my advantage when i finally start a family of sorts (which the marketing and advertising work environment does, in fact, not!) so, i mean, this is me ATTEMPTING to do that thing that so many others seem to know how to do so well... come up with a five year plan of action... I mean, as of now it's more like a two year plan (apply, get accepted, and complete MSLIS program) and then i can think about the other three in the process... and DEFINITELY come out on the other side up in somebodies library shot-calling! (Can't you see me up in Founders/UGL talkin' bout "Now, what book you lookin' for???? Hmph! I think I checked that out back in 1998!!" :)

in other news, of course i called Daddy immediately to see what he thought, and interestingly enough, he said that becoming a librarian was one of the career moves he'd considered when he stopped playing music in the late 70s/early 80s. me and that dude are so much alike, it's quite funny!

anyway, here's to life taking place, and being free to move about as you please.

God [please continue to] bless this journey i'm on. i can't do it by myself.

in a somewhat related topic, L-boogie (aka Laura Bush, who i was researching cause she has some librarian-education grant funding) married Dub-ya after only three months of courting... man. he -or, better yet- SHE musta really put it down???? there's so much more to say here, but i need to go to bed. it's 6AM now.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

OF COURSE there's a full moon...

my period will be starting soon. (sux)

makes sense.
(even though it's not a blue moon)
been kinda blue-ish this week
for the following reasons:

the boy i like (who likes me too)
calls me "his baby" and "his girl"
but doesn't exaclty mean his girlfriend.....(?)
(which i guess makes sense
since we've only been seeing one another for about 5 weeks-
we met four hours before my birthday; what a gift!)
i like him so. and think he'll be my O-fficial boo :)
in time. (ie talk more, kiss more, walk more, kiss more!
let him show me how he really feels
in another month, no?)
meanwhile it's not the first time
i've liked a dude (who liked me back)
but he wasn't tryin to make me his girl.
the catch is, he didn't SAY he's not tryin to make me his girl
(it's only been five weeks!)
so i'm just gonna fall back on this whole topic
for now
and see what happens.
you can't let your past determine your future.
(but i will not spend the next few seasons into '09
developing amorous feelings and daydreaming expectations
only to have the whole thing dissolve into a depressive reality
cause the he in my "we" ain't really tryin to be a We....)
in any regard, he's sweet and that's welcomed.

and also
my client is&has been unavailable.
today he said our project is on his list of priorities.
but the reality is that it must be way down on that list
because he's been MIA for a while now.
the blessing is that once we finally resume our project
there's a few lump sums of johnnyCASH that will be available to me.
yay

and subsequently
i am&have been looking for a job similar to the one i left.
this is depressing (because i left the job for reasons
completely justifiable to me).
but i'm twenny9 now.
and i guess that means accepting the kind of job i dont want
for the sake of taking care of myself and self-bills.
(here's where i pretend that i think it's above me to
conveniently marry wealthy,
push out a coupla babies and not have to worry about
finances and other adult stuff- like affording
primary care physicians, dentists and groceries....
you can marry wealthy AND "for love"... can't you???)
in any case,
i'm not getting married (any time soon-
for love, convenience or for wealth.)

in other news
i just ate a half-pint of butter-PEEcan
(although i've been tryin to stay away from excess amounts sugar.
but it was sooooooooooooooooo freakin tasty.
thankfully i didn't get the pint.)
that's what happens when
pms enters the building
(that and flatulency-
or maybe that was the
box'o'Zatarains
blackbeans&rice! :)
(meanwhile
the 2008 Gas-X/Job Interview commercial
is all the rage!!!!!)

anyway, this blue shall pass....

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

mmmmmmHM! ....sugarlee

says he
misses me
tremendously.

(swoooooooooon ;0)
mmm mmm mmm.
yeah.

~~~

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Michael Byoune

is dead. at the hands of Inglewood, CA police officers. he, like seanbell, was unarmed with his two friends, and called out to the officers during the hail of gunfire that they didn't have any guns. didn't matter.

and he took a bullet to the chest. on mother's day.
now his mother wants to know
why?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Mai April Challenge

I'm JUST getting around to documenting my challenge for April's Road To Discovery, but here goes...

So, it wasn't a big grandiose type of EXPERIENCE, but it was in the vein of a quiet challenge to finally do something that I've always wanted to do. So on April 30th, the last day of April 2008, I got up, washed my face, slapped on some light make up and nice low-key outfit, and went to the open call for one of New York City's top modeling agencies, Wilhelmina Modeling Agency! You see, for years now I've been asked by all kind of random people if I model professionally, and I always graciously smile "Thank you, but no..." though I've always thought it would be cool to do so. I've kinda had this idea that if it was meant for me to model professionally I would have gotten DISCOVERED by now. Especially living in LA and NYC and having done some local fashion shoots and photo shoots. But nothing ever really jumped off in my younger years, so I just kinda let it pass as, maybe it wasn't meant to be. Another reason why I never quite pursued it in recent years is because of a not so attractive acne problem I developed since moving to New York City. Yet, as the years have passed, it's a question that constantly comes up from people I meet, "...Do you model?? Are you a professional??"

So.... I finally decided that I would go to a legitimate model open call here in the city where dreams come true, and see whats really good. I'd thought of doing it before, but just kinda let the thought pass. But I finally just took my behind up there on the humble last Wednesday and talked to an agent.

Well, I didn't get discovered, though I didn't just get turned away either... LOL. The agent said that she liked my look, but she was looking for plus sized gurls around size 14, which I am NOT! Who knew I'd be too thin to get discovered by a major agency..... but what I learned is that it wasn't as scary and daunting as I might have thought. And that perhaps, I am the only one stopping me from getting discovered. Like she didn't look me up and down and say, "Gurl PLEASE, you're skin is horrible, you're not the right size, you'll never make it..." She actually recommend two other agencies to check out.... So, I mean!

Cheers to creating new opportunities!! Let's see what happens when I go to the next one!!! :D :D :D

Meanwhile, May's challenge is on deck!!! FLYING TRAPEZE HEAR I COME!!!!