Monday, April 02, 2007

i'm all of a sudden kinda down... sad in fact, and i don't know why...
i thought meeting up with my family would pull me up a lil
and its definitely been wonderful, all of us being together.
but me coming to spend time with all of them hasn't
soothed whatever growing pains i'm having right now
like i thought maybe it would.
and now i'm not looking forward to going
to cali at all.
i am in fact wondering
if it'll be a complete waste of time.
but i'm so happy to be in daddy's presence.
to sit and hold his hand, whenever i get ready.
and i love laughing with my mom and brother.
watching my brother and niece have their moments
is pure joy, she adores him.
but at the end of the day, i just don't understand
whats going on in my life right now.
i know God must be preparing me for something
that i'm keeping my eyes peeled for,
but today i just don't know whats going on.
and i don't know if going to cali will be
a complete waste of time.
but i can't help but thinking
maybe God is bringing me there
for something specific.
i'm starting to dislike
my anticipation of wonderful things
that havent been fulfilled. yet.
i'm feeling very discontent with
what the holdup is. like, WHAT is the holdup
to my life finally unfolding and taking form.
i know that i'm in the middle of the story though.
that is the silver lining, the song in the hills....

i wish i could blaim my emotions on pms, but thats not it.
i'm really sittin here borderline depressed, but will not admit it
because i know how good God is and that he's not done, with me or my situation.
i'm in a dark tunnel though, and i can't see the light at the end. i know it's there.
bright and sunny out there. but i'm so far inside the tunnel that i feel like
i got a lot more riding before i come out.
but i'ma ride it out (like i have a choice, right) and make the most
of it, certainly here with my entire family, and in cali, which
i have no idea why i decided to go or what (if anything) is waiting for me.

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