Sunday, April 29, 2007

i don't normally crave fried chicken....

but i was recently introduced to this wonderful lil' spot on the corner of 9th and 45th, attached to the kitchen of the tasty-yet-gloriously-overpriced Jezebel's, called:


That's right, the spot is called Piece Of Chicken, and just about everything on the menu is priced at a $1, starting of course, with your favorite piece of foul which costs one measely buck (no tax HOLLA BACK)!

and it doesn't stop there.... BBQ Wings $1.... Whiting $1... Catfish $2... Chicken or Fish Soup $1... Collards $1... (baked) Mac&Cheese $2.... Black-I'd Peas $1.... 'Tata Salad $1.... String Beans $1... Home Fries $1... TWO CORN MUFFINS (i loooovveee cornbread) $1...

and if you have a lil extra bread you can get BBQ Salmon for $5!!! but otherwise, you can get your whole soulfood jumpoff for under $5!! (I'm willing to bet that Piece Of Chicken grosses just as much if not MORE than Jezebel's....)

The best part about it.... and the sole reason why I'm even writing this advertisement pro bono, is because since my first taste over a week ago, I haven't been able to stop thinking about how good the food is. I was treated last saturday after a show, which prompted me to go again on Monday but it was closed. I passed by with a friend on Wed but opted for Thai, but by the time Thursday afternoon came around I was standing in line with about nine other people, black white and other, city workers and corporate suits, tryin to get my piece of chicken on... after about 15mins (there's no inside, the window is right on the street) i got a piece of chicken, whiting AND catfish, along with Mac&Cheese with collards and, of course, TWO CORN MUFFINS, and couldn't WAIT to get back to bk to devour it.... (meanwhile i can't wait to go back again :)

Saturday, April 28, 2007

i pray this means farewell, wretched pms!!

fair menses
you have shown thy face

and in thy grace i pray thee
wash away the glooms of yesterday
that the morrow may fully cheer me.

Friday, April 27, 2007

light bulb moment

Emotion Unavailability

Conflicts may arise when the two partners differ in their expectations of how close they should become. One partner may feel emotionally stranded, feeling abandoned and craving more closeness, while the other partner may feel smothered or pressured into providing more of his or her emotional self than can possibly be given... All too often, however, there is a discrepancy between the two partners in terms of how much of their emotional life they make available to the other. When one partner is able to share emotionally and the other is not, it is usually the emotionally available one who feels more pain. Take the classic example of a couple who have an intense courtship. One partner lavishes the other with flowers, expensive dinners out, and intimate phone calls. Sweetness fills the air and it feels like a dream come true. You have finally met "the one" you had always hoped to meet. But then, almost as quickly as it began, your partner fails to reciprocate when it comes to sharing emotional feelings. Dating comes to a stop, voicemail messages are not answered, and it's over. There is no fight. There is no discussion about why things are coming to an end.

After you accept that it's over, you struggle to make sense of the relationship and notice that the focus was always on you, and that's why it felt so good. In fact, your partner knew a great deal about you, but you knew virtually nothing about him or her. You confused flattery and attention with emotional involvement. You may finally realize that your partner was unable to connect with you or anyone on an emotional level. He or she was an expert at luring people in, but had no ability to sustain an emotionally available relationship over time. It is a painful ride, but you can learn a valuable lesson from it - that relationships entail reciprocal self-disclosure and sharing. The next time, you'll have the wisdom to know this before being drawn in..."

i think more than anything...

more than any desires or wants, longings or expectations fulfilled

my prayer on this day is for PEACE

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 could happen...

he'll say: ...i just can't do love right now

and that'll be his bottomline.
(even though it was neither confirmed nor denied that the lack of your presence is just as much a void as the lack of his. though, spending the least amount of word currency possible,
he'll allude: too much crap from the past.)

you'll want to say: well, i wanna spread the news that if it feels this good gettin' used, just keep on using me, until you use me up...

and you'll definitely want your background singers to cosign: take my looooovveee and use it up!

but you won't.
cause it won't change anything.
but make you the desperate one in the situation.
and it'll tear you up that being the most wonderful version of yourself
just doesn't contend with whatever past he's currently facing.

you'll have to remind yourself
that you weren't raised to be weak in mind
and desperate for love.

and this will be one of the hardest things you've had to come to terms with.
allowing you to realize: if THIS is one of the hardest things i've had to deal with, maybe my life has been way too easy....?

you'll wonder if you were in denial last month when you swore to reeses pieces you were definitely over this, or if you're in denial now that you're realizing (feelings or not)
it's definitely over.

and you'll pray
that this will not ruin your spring.
that the reason why this is so painful right now is because of the hormonal imbalances of pms.
that this becomes neither the pattern of love nor the pattern of getting over the illusion of love.
that joy will come in the morning (or at least once menses begins).
that some kind of way these feelings can be purged.
that you'll miraculously find a remedy (that doesn't involve sleep or cartons of butterpecan).
or at least that you'll come up on some extra cash so that you can treat yourself to evenings out on the town, thus distracting what your heart is doing to you.

and you'll try your darned'est to listen to what logic is whispering into one ear in lieu of what passion is bullhorning into the other...

then you'll probably go back to sleep.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

let's review the symptoms of pms and see if this could be the reason i'm an emotional wreck today?

weight gain nope

abdominal bloating check

breast tenderness nope

stress or anxiety (not that i'd like to admit, but i'll go with:) check

depression (AGAIN, not that i am willing to admit though the tears speak for themselves)

crying spells see above

mood swings mm not so much, my mood is moreso sittin pretty still these days

irritability maybe

anger nope, nothing to be angry about

appetite cravings i guess eating a carton of butter pecan over the course of three days qualifies

insomnia um, when am i NOT an insomniac (though this is not entirely true since i do find time to sleep, it's just when others are general out and about)

joint or muscle pain nope

headache nope

fatigue as a matter of fact, as i'm finally stirring from thirteen hours of sleep, i'll go with yes.

acne yes, but can this be attributed to pms or diet or the mere environmental filth of this city i love???

trouble concentrating i'll go with.... wait hunh? did you say sumn? i got sidetracked...

social withdrawal i think this is pretty indicative of my less than social behavior as of late

increased body tempertature nahhhh...

so if i tally up my scores, it looks like all of my symptons have to do with things goin on cerebrally... i suppose if i renew my mind and purpose/ sttttrrraaaaiiiinnn to focus on things OTHER THAN whats got me down --the remnants of unrequited love? (why must one continue to play oneself in the name of being true to the reasoning of ones heart?) unemployment? (why are these jobs becoming more and more evasive?) choose one--

then pms won't stand a chance in takin me on a ride..... ?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

2 whom it may concern (VULNERABILITY rears its ugly head...)

though i rarely speak about it, thinking (probably quite accurately) that nobody really cares at this point,

i am still rather blue over the absence of your mere presence in my life.

and though i hope to soon not care
[either at all or so deeply]

i do.

(lean in so i can whisper sumn to you)
it still sux.
(i threw that in just for the record...)

there's more that i want to write, but life is carrying on. so i think i'll go now.

Monday, April 16, 2007

The Diary of Four:Sixteen

i think i'd like to speak about my affair with the number FOURSIXTEEN today:

The reoccurence of the series of numbers 4-1-6 (or any combination of those same numbers). I started noticing it about five years ago. i'd just happened to look up @ the clock at 4:16 in the am or pm and i was like "oh shoot!" i didn't anticipate when it might happen either, i'd just look up and it'd be 416 in the morning or four:sixteen in the afternoon. after a while i decided that those were the exact moments when God was winking @ me, letting me know that even in the great majesty of having the whole world in His hand, he STILL has his eye on me. yeah, God's winkin' his eye everytime i look up and it's 4:16. that makes COMPLETE sense to me!

i've sinced moved to new york city, living on my own, tryin to make things happen in a major way. and it seems that i have either started obsessing over, or am being inundated with God's winks because i am CONSTANTLY seeing the numbers 4.1.6:

416 on clocks
416 on taxicabs
416 numbered on trains (or 0416 or 4160 or 4016 or 4116 which aren't 416 but STILL)
416 addresses on random streets! (i PROMISE in nyc and in cali!)

i'm really not making this up, i see the digits 416 on a regular basis just floating around me. i don't know what it means anymore, if anything. if God is really tryin to get my attention, or just really comfort me during this point of my life when my immediate family is so far away...

and i thought it'd stop with just the random, yet significant 416's, but i can't help but think about the fact that my current address is 415 and my last address is 417!!!! (which means that 416 is the address where??? across the street!) COINCIDENCE... i tend to think not.

i'm just sayin.
something is going on, and i'm choosing to believe it's something positive and significant and wonderful within those numbers and what they represent... one major thing of course, it being my date of birth... which is why i'm documenting it on today.

i'll admit, i DO look for the foursixteens at this point, but wouldn't you?


Friday, April 13, 2007

Upon reading Nora Ephron's memoir, "I feel bad about my neck"..

i'm feeling THAT MUCH MORE confident in my role as a bizarre bird documenting my experiences in this world.

i will elaborate.
(once i return from my
mad hunt for the edamame,
cali-rolls, extraginger & wasabi

chased with a redbean tempura ice cream
that i'm hankering for at the moment.
10:23pm Friday the 13th in New York City...
shouldn't be too hard to find.)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

i didn't realize how relevant this would be two years later..



Everybody knows what Sam Cooke said about change— it’s gon’ come. And Brotha Donny urged that we take it from him, “Some day we’ll all be free.” Hang on to the world as it spins around, he said, just don’t let the spin get you down. Standing on the threshold of another year, I’m hanging on as another three-hundred-and-sixty-five worth of dreams and aspirations begin to spin themselves into my world. There’s an old adage that talks about yesterday being history and tomorrow being a mystery, but today is a gift “that’s why it’s called the Present”; a popular saying with saccharine sentiment but poignant value. In knowing that change is inevitable we should always strive for the spin of life, trusting the direction in which God leads, and bursting through doors that have opened up. One of the hardest things we struggle with during this spin of ours is the not knowing how things are about to go down, or how the story is unfolding. The desire to KNOW can become so pressing that it begins to have an adverse reaction on our psychological wellbeing. Folx get stressed which turns into the sho’nuff-blues because they’re on a daily grind, trying to get to the next, even when it seems the “NEXT” is not on the horizon. And in getting so close yet feeling that much further, the spin can definitely get you down.

Be encouraged to find the balance in being driven by the possibility of the unknown without being consumed by it. Use that hunger to drive you forward, but be sustained with what is at hand today. Talk to God more often, He’s listening to what you’ve got to say. When you pray, don’t just ask for the things you want, ask to be provided with what is needed: direction, resources, stability, favor. And trust that as you hustle, provision will come. Don’t second guess or underestimate what God will do for you. Be thankful that things aren’t worse and even more thankful when stuff really begins to jump off. And as your life gains momentum do what you can to help someone hold on to theirs.

The way I see

it was always made for me,

see I was chosen

to rest in this pre-destined destiny.

The quality of my life given was said

the moment my pop’s seed reached that egg.

Now if you would’ve read then you would’a knew

the same thing applies to you,

Mai word true,

We all got business to tend to.

See when you grab hold to your vision,

keeping faith in the One who’s risen,

elevating your mind so you don’t keep

trippin’ and dippin’ through these days in a haze,

Yeah it might get a bit crazy

but hay, we all about progression

up in this rhyme session.

And there’s no guessing

The Most will keep blessing

if you learn the lesson now.

So go on and get rid of that foul

so I can see your beautiful smile, chile!

You got work to do

and I’m right here with you.

16 December 2005

Thursday, April 05, 2007

tonight i revisit

and ask if it's absurd that
i just sent a resume for
an executive assistant job that pays
120k plus benefits....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

thank you voice of reason...

feeling (a lil more than marginally) better now.

definitely experiencing the effects of
coasting up down & loopty-looping through
tender emotions

Monday, April 02, 2007

i'm all of a sudden kinda down... sad in fact, and i don't know why...
i thought meeting up with my family would pull me up a lil
and its definitely been wonderful, all of us being together.
but me coming to spend time with all of them hasn't
soothed whatever growing pains i'm having right now
like i thought maybe it would.
and now i'm not looking forward to going
to cali at all.
i am in fact wondering
if it'll be a complete waste of time.
but i'm so happy to be in daddy's presence.
to sit and hold his hand, whenever i get ready.
and i love laughing with my mom and brother.
watching my brother and niece have their moments
is pure joy, she adores him.
but at the end of the day, i just don't understand
whats going on in my life right now.
i know God must be preparing me for something
that i'm keeping my eyes peeled for,
but today i just don't know whats going on.
and i don't know if going to cali will be
a complete waste of time.
but i can't help but thinking
maybe God is bringing me there
for something specific.
i'm starting to dislike
my anticipation of wonderful things
that havent been fulfilled. yet.
i'm feeling very discontent with
what the holdup is. like, WHAT is the holdup
to my life finally unfolding and taking form.
i know that i'm in the middle of the story though.
that is the silver lining, the song in the hills....

i wish i could blaim my emotions on pms, but thats not it.
i'm really sittin here borderline depressed, but will not admit it
because i know how good God is and that he's not done, with me or my situation.
i'm in a dark tunnel though, and i can't see the light at the end. i know it's there.
bright and sunny out there. but i'm so far inside the tunnel that i feel like
i got a lot more riding before i come out.
but i'ma ride it out (like i have a choice, right) and make the most
of it, certainly here with my entire family, and in cali, which
i have no idea why i decided to go or what (if anything) is waiting for me.