Sunday, February 04, 2007

SUNlight is peeking through the blinds....

and boy am i happy to see it....
it's always pleasant when the sun taps you on the forehead
after a rough night.
well, i don't know if rough is the right word
but you know... heavyladen. i think that's what
they call it in the bible.
when melancholy has a physical affect on you.
yesterday. was. the day
i got to keep my steady stream of tears
in check the best way i know how.
which pretty much meant
a series of deep inhalations
as drops,
the condensation of
disappointment turning into liquid,
collected around the brim
of my eyes. and then catching those lil droplets
(once i realized they were indeed going to fall)
with: gloved fingertips,
the scarf around my neck, and eventually
my blanket, arm and pillow.
my intention was to keep this in check.
i mean, who wants to be that chick
on the train with streams of tears
and people lookin at you like
"oh wow..... i wonder what's wrong???"
i'm not tryin to be that chick!
but daddy said i gotta let my feelings
process naturally. and since i've been
hurt, it's natural for the tears to gather.
and no matter how deeply i inhale
filling my nose, lungs and belly with
cleansing air, my wound is as open
as my heart is. why? cause i AM THAT
chick. the open one. the vulnerable one.
the one willing to give something positive
and beautiful and magically delicious
a chance to thrive as i water

it with love and laughter, passion and affection.
i'm the one who said it's simple. the one who
recognized upright character and likeminded morals
and witty banter and a voracious knowledge of
all things worth knowing,

and Dependability (when i didn't ask for it)
walk into my life, and i wrapped myself around it
thinking that was the thing to do. i'm the one
who felt it was alright to share things that i haven't
shared with anyone else. i'm the one who
recognized the similarities and discounted
the differences. thinking it's the thing to do.
because it IS the thing
to do. only a fool would see that come
into her life and allow it to remain in the periphery.
something so wonderful belongs in the center
of her experience and thats where i held it.
the balance of my journey: a burgeoning career,
artistic dreams being fulfilled, family and friends
all healthy and alive.... and manifested love.

but i am constantly being reminded
that it is not that simple. it's not about
ME. he said. and its not that simple.

so i struggle with
understanding.
that it's not about me.
but now i get to walk away
from something that
felt so decent and right
from the beginning.
and so wrong to
abandon now.

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