Sunday, February 11, 2007

for every moment...

that i think i’m finally getting over this, there is another moment where the blues swirl tightly around me. the yin and yang of it all, i suppose. i’m really tired of the disappointment. i'd prefer that it find someone else to bother and leave me the hell alone. i thought, for sure, that after a week all the tears i’d have would’ve dried by now. but in the very quiet still moments i find that my eyes are, at the most, a bit dampened by melancholy mist: perhaps not a tear-stained presence that would warrant anybody’s sympathy, but enough for me to notice. it’s embarrassing too. I’m embarrassed at how bruised my heart feels. i’m embarrassed at how i have not let it go. yet. a good part of the disappointment is in my thinking it was MY turn. i really thought it was my turn. to love someone. who would love me back. and reckless with passion, i convinced myself that this beautiful experience/friendship we shared with one another would not end until we BOTH found reason that it should. and so now. i am. embarrassed. and uncomfortable. still very open. still willing to share my love. and trying to find the way to. figure out. what i need to do. to find. the path to the other side of this experience. you know. where the pot of gold is. where my happy heart of gold is.

i’m thankful for friends (and mommy&daddy) that are encouraging the hell out of me, though! i am constantly being reminded that you don’t know what the universe has planned. you don’t know who God has planned for you to meet. if it was all that positive then be thankful for the experience. be thankful that it ended on a positive note cause it coulda been…. you’re lucky, he coulda not told you ANYTHING. say THANK YOU because apparently you’re being kept from something you don’t need to be a part of…

and then of course, i’ve gotten the ill-advised pseudo-encouraging: gurl— to the left to the left— for him…!

let me just say, this is not now, nor will it ever be a —to the left, to the left— experience. there wasn’t anything dysfunctional in our time spent together. he wasn’t that dude, i’m not that chick. and if anything, i’m completely looking forward to finding someone irreplaceable in my own life, and being the same in that person’s.

but, alas. now is not the time.

what sux, is the constant reminders. his influence in randomass places and things. as i hold my cell phone. when i update my computer’s antivirus. uploading individual songs to my ipod. watching futurama at tenoclock. goin' down to j&r to find some flashcard or something i need. sending phone text messages via email. really looking forward to riding the A train from the start of the line in Inwood til the very end at Far Rockaway, or going back to Ft Wadsworth to shoot. maybe going back to Coney Island to ride the ferris wheel (i don't know if he wanted to do that but i did!), and finding all the free things here in nyc to do together. acknowledging ghostbikes. or even maintaining this here bloggish diary. his fingerprints are silly lil’ reminders that i had someone who cared enough for me to be. a part of my world. and show me his. on any given day.

this sux.

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