Monday, February 26, 2007

when the trajectory of your life changes...

Hey Lady,

When smiles turn to pain and the pain turns back into smiles, then growth in life has occured. It sounds as if you have grown.

You passed out as you were going through a door. You were crossing a threshold. Crossing a threshold can be symbolic of leaving the old life behind and going into the new. When you passed out at the threshold, it was like you were dying to the old life and re-awakening to your new life. Change can be painful in the beginning. But soon, the wounds heal, the soul is refreshed, the mind is at peace and you move on. You are through the door now. You've crossed the threshold. You are on your way. As always, go with God.

Love,
Daddy

Sunday, February 25, 2007

On passing out in the middle of New York City...

it's scary, lemme tell you. it really put things into perspective on taking really good care of yourself, healthwise, because it just isn't cool finding urself laid out on 5th Avenue. Thank God it happened just as i was leaving a clothing store... i literally passed through the doorway and at that moment it was like crossing the splitsecond threshold of consciousness, you know what i mean. like, i dont even remember passing through the glass door. i just know that i heard people standing over me and i turned my head and realized i was, infact, on the dirtyass ground out front of the store! bags and sunglasses strewn about... not good. at all. the best thing about the whole ordeal was how the manager and front clerk rushed over to attend to me. sat me down got me situated, brought over a bottle of cold water, and tried to make me as comfortable as possible, within their means. they were both very sweet and both said they could tell something was wrong before i went down. the front clerk could barely speak english but managed to get out that he would be praying for me (i think i'll take them a starbucks giftcard or sumn cause they didn't have to attend to me the way that they did). i couldn't really engage them very much because the whole thing was rather shocking for me. i mean, the last thing i think i'm EVER about to do is pass out. and i really didn't know what to do, who to call. it's interesting, having an idea in your head of what you'd do in an emergency situation but then when one actually occurs feelin totally clueless. rationalizing that maybe this isn't really a big enough emergency to call someone, anyone out of their way to come and help you. or that everything is happening so quickly that you can't really wrap ur mind around who to reach out to if something like that happens. i have friends, (one just asked me why i didn't call him; i told him i didn't wanna bother him cause he was workin all the way in BK and i was in midtown...) but i haven't established a definite plan of action or a "LOOK IF ANYTHING JUMPS OFF I'M CALLING YOU..." with anyone in particular. i thought to call my parents but they're to far to do anything, i knew they would pray, but i spoke to them way after the fact. the bottomline is that with 15, 20 minutes later and a cool bottle of water i pretty much had my bearings and was able to get on the train to go home. back to taking care of oneself, i dont think i'd had enough to eat in the past couple of days, being ill and all, and i was just doing way too much tryin to run errands on little sustenance. i really realize that i need to UNLEARN the habit of not eating just because i don't particularly have an appetite. carry crackers and fruit or sumn to snack on throughout the day really... geez. i'm all good now. layin bed, mad sore from the fall and everything but..... i'll be ok.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Dag! Change lika mu'g...



who knew
February 2007
would end up being
the official CHANGE jumpoff?

Didn't nobody tell me that

the one relationship (w/a boy)
that i'd really been content to exist in
and the one job that i thought was really
tailormade for me

would both be ending
in this month/3wks to the day-
just as suddenly as they'd appeared.
(not to mention the LOSS
of my favorite pair of legwarmmers...)

it's interesting, the parallels between the two...
noticing the change of temprement
and how the interaction
had shifted,
the commaderie at work
the affection at home.
the consolation prizes:
the cell phone/a weeks pay-
kind gestures of realizing that
perhaps
something that i immediately needed
could be provided
since there would be no
long term relationship
to sustain.

certainly there is something inspirational
to be found in all of this
change

the reality of HAVING TO trust the Almighty
be still and know that I am God
your steps are ordered
in all things, give thanx
allll things work together for the good
of those who love God
and have been called
according to his purpose
the Lord will make a way out of no way
the peace that passes
ALL UNDERSTANDING
will guide your heart and mind.


thank God i've stopped being
dissapointed
over the end of the relationship
i thought was so beautifully cultivating.
i don't have any tears left for that
and i don't have any for this either.
i am eternally grateful
for having experienced both.
i aim to live this life
from hilltop to hilltop
spending as little time
in the valley's between
as possible.

better things are in the making.
i can tell.
i can feel it.
the year is still new.
and it's still being good to me.

...selah...

Monday, February 19, 2007

push up ya lighta'



wow. furreal.


here's to

egyptian menu tasting
taking apple hooka straight to the head
the joy of Fraser
the REALLY simple things (that trigger smiles)
& appreciating the highbeam of jamaican light
penetrating temporary gloom.


~~~

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

word.

torso

she didn't know of womanly ways
she didn't see it in herself
she wondered among protea bougainvillea
antheriums birds of paradise
a flower? no a petal
of a woman not knowing
her frangrance enchanted
men who could not bring themselves
to call her name
all they could do was TURN AWAY
their eyes shut tightly
refusing to lose the vision, the scent
of the petal of a woman
the flower meandering
by the hummingbirds
~~~
ntozake shange, ridin' the moon in texas, 1986

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

rest IN peace

a Señor Pedro Caraballo,
el esposo y el AMOR de la reina de la salsa,
Celia Cruz.
él
se murió de un corazón roto.

and

to Alice Coltrane,
gifted
musician, leader,
and
love of John Coltrane.


inspired by your capacity to love....and share your gifts with the world.


***

Monday, February 12, 2007

today was a good day.


life is what it is:
short and unfulfilled for some,
long and miserable for others.

find peace. be happy. reflect the love you need to attract.
and be.


~~~
EDIT: Thursday 2/15/07 4:48am
i hereby retract the first line of this posting.
i don't know what the hell to feel.
i am in fact not ready *tear* totally disconcerted.

be truth.peace will find you. in time.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

for every moment...

that i think i’m finally getting over this, there is another moment where the blues swirl tightly around me. the yin and yang of it all, i suppose. i’m really tired of the disappointment. i'd prefer that it find someone else to bother and leave me the hell alone. i thought, for sure, that after a week all the tears i’d have would’ve dried by now. but in the very quiet still moments i find that my eyes are, at the most, a bit dampened by melancholy mist: perhaps not a tear-stained presence that would warrant anybody’s sympathy, but enough for me to notice. it’s embarrassing too. I’m embarrassed at how bruised my heart feels. i’m embarrassed at how i have not let it go. yet. a good part of the disappointment is in my thinking it was MY turn. i really thought it was my turn. to love someone. who would love me back. and reckless with passion, i convinced myself that this beautiful experience/friendship we shared with one another would not end until we BOTH found reason that it should. and so now. i am. embarrassed. and uncomfortable. still very open. still willing to share my love. and trying to find the way to. figure out. what i need to do. to find. the path to the other side of this experience. you know. where the pot of gold is. where my happy heart of gold is.

i’m thankful for friends (and mommy&daddy) that are encouraging the hell out of me, though! i am constantly being reminded that you don’t know what the universe has planned. you don’t know who God has planned for you to meet. if it was all that positive then be thankful for the experience. be thankful that it ended on a positive note cause it coulda been…. you’re lucky, he coulda not told you ANYTHING. say THANK YOU because apparently you’re being kept from something you don’t need to be a part of…

and then of course, i’ve gotten the ill-advised pseudo-encouraging: gurl— to the left to the left— for him…!

let me just say, this is not now, nor will it ever be a —to the left, to the left— experience. there wasn’t anything dysfunctional in our time spent together. he wasn’t that dude, i’m not that chick. and if anything, i’m completely looking forward to finding someone irreplaceable in my own life, and being the same in that person’s.


but, alas. now is not the time.


what sux, is the constant reminders. his influence in randomass places and things. as i hold my cell phone. when i update my computer’s antivirus. uploading individual songs to my ipod. watching futurama at tenoclock. goin' down to j&r to find some flashcard or something i need. sending phone text messages via email. really looking forward to riding the A train from the start of the line in Inwood til the very end at Far Rockaway, or going back to Ft Wadsworth to shoot. maybe going back to Coney Island to ride the ferris wheel (i don't know if he wanted to do that but i did!), and finding all the free things here in nyc to do together. acknowledging ghostbikes. or even maintaining this here bloggish diary. his fingerprints are silly lil’ reminders that i had someone who cared enough for me to be. a part of my world. and show me his. on any given day.


this sux.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

..................

my heart is in the pit of my stomach right now..... and TODAY it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with feelings of love lost.


...i just applied for a hardship forebearance
and the reality of it all
is hitting me like a mack truck...

i dont have anything.

anyting.

right now.


*****


"i will look to the hills from whence cometh my help. my help cometh from the Lord..." Psalms 121:1

"For i know the plans i have for you",
declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you
a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

the lesser degree of disappointment...

saturday and sunday were doosies, daggone emotions running amuck (in completely unrelated news: the other day ko-kwa told me that the word "amuck" is derived from a filipino word in tagalog (or was it malaysian?)... i thought that was pretty interesting, i love etymology!....). meanwhile, i've gone from being tearfully disappointed and tryin to understand, to just being, well, disappointed... and tryin to understand. and now i get to spend hours pondering whether i'll ever understand .OR. will the disappointment just eventually clear itself out along with my desire to (say it with me) understand why things are going down the way the are....?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

SUNlight is peeking through the blinds....

and boy am i happy to see it....
it's always pleasant when the sun taps you on the forehead
after a rough night.
well, i don't know if rough is the right word
but you know... heavyladen. i think that's what
they call it in the bible.
when melancholy has a physical affect on you.
yesterday. was. the day
i got to keep my steady stream of tears
in check the best way i know how.
which pretty much meant
a series of deep inhalations
as drops,
the condensation of
disappointment turning into liquid,
collected around the brim
of my eyes. and then catching those lil droplets
(once i realized they were indeed going to fall)
with: gloved fingertips,
the scarf around my neck, and eventually
my blanket, arm and pillow.
my intention was to keep this in check.
i mean, who wants to be that chick
on the train with streams of tears
and people lookin at you like
"oh wow..... i wonder what's wrong???"
i'm not tryin to be that chick!
but daddy said i gotta let my feelings
process naturally. and since i've been
hurt, it's natural for the tears to gather.
and no matter how deeply i inhale
filling my nose, lungs and belly with
cleansing air, my wound is as open
as my heart is. why? cause i AM THAT
chick. the open one. the vulnerable one.
the one willing to give something positive
and beautiful and magically delicious
a chance to thrive as i water

it with love and laughter, passion and affection.
i'm the one who said it's simple. the one who
recognized upright character and likeminded morals
and witty banter and a voracious knowledge of
all things worth knowing,

and Dependability (when i didn't ask for it)
walk into my life, and i wrapped myself around it
thinking that was the thing to do. i'm the one
who felt it was alright to share things that i haven't
shared with anyone else. i'm the one who
recognized the similarities and discounted
the differences. thinking it's the thing to do.
because it IS the thing
to do. only a fool would see that come
into her life and allow it to remain in the periphery.
something so wonderful belongs in the center
of her experience and thats where i held it.
the balance of my journey: a burgeoning career,
artistic dreams being fulfilled, family and friends
all healthy and alive.... and manifested love.

but i am constantly being reminded
that it is not that simple. it's not about
ME. he said. and its not that simple.

so i struggle with
understanding.
that it's not about me.
but now i get to walk away
from something that
felt so decent and right
from the beginning.
and so wrong to
abandon now.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

the tragedy of potential



is that when it is not realized you are still stuck with the vision.



***

Can't wait to wear my new sunglasses!.....

i wrote a haiku about eight years ago that said:



wear sunshades to hide
sad eyes if u want ur al -
ibi kept quiet.



*****

Friday, February 02, 2007

my muthaf*ckin' smile.............




.........hasgoneintohiding.........



*******