Friday, January 05, 2007

today's been...

one of those days. the first day this year it's been one of THOSE days... not really a bad day. but a gray one. i don't mind the gray days... part of what makes life a quantifiable experience. but today i woke up on the wrong side of the right experience. woke up late after going to sleep late after deciding that i wasn't going to spend this year going to sleep at odd hours and waking up at noon. i didn't wake up after 12, but i was really tryin to get through this first week on an early wind. i guess i should mention that i decided to try and recommit myself to raw [primarily] green eating for twenty one days. i met a wonderful sillygurl friend at the end of last year who wanted to start the new year off doin this cleanse, so i decided to try it again. this time she's more enthused about it than i even started off being. i really want to eat. FOOD. you hear me. and it's only day five. i mean i'm not talkin junk food and such, i just want a warm dembellyfull delectably tasty meal... but thats not with this is about.. well i don't know what IT is about. It's just friday, ya dig. it's friday and i need a hug.

--------later on---------

...ok. i'd love to say that my mood is just a case of the grayfridays, but it's probably more of a moody's mood for love mood. doom. mood. doom... whatever. that. means... i went back and read through my postings from the beginning to the present, something i hadnt done til a friend told me she went through and read it. what stood out amongst the verboseness was a letter from my father. like so many times before, he offered words of wisdom regarding my feelings for a person i care deeply and passionately for. the thing is, i didn't listen.

if you make your case to someone about how you feel, you don't have to keep making it. you never have to mention it again until that person does. daddy said.

I haven't learned that lesson yet. even though it seems so simple. but as of late my simple ass seems to keep makin my case known. i can't help it. but i can't help also thinking i should stop. stop with the emails. stop with the IMs & the TMs. stop with the justsoyouknow's. just stop. cause he knows. if anything he knows. how i feel. i just have a hard time ignoring the something's thats there between us. and i feel compelled to water that something in hopes that it [continues to] flourish into something beautiful. (..........this rambling seems a bit reminiscent of a posting in august.......)

but how/when do u figure out when to stop doing what feels natural? it's as natural for me to
shower affection as it is for me to dance. (i do passion well.) i guess i should remind myself that i haven't necessarily been asked to stop with the showering. though i've asked if i should stop. cause i really wanna know but.. maybe i'm doin to much. i claim to be in the moment, but sometimes my moments are consumed with what is going to happen instead of focusing more on what is happening. AND now that i'm thinking (and OVERthinking) about it, i should (shoouuullldddd) spend less time tryin to FIGURE out so much. because ultimately i'll find out everything i'm supposed to find out. but its hard, man.... because i want to know just as much as i share. it's natural. it's hard.

(two hours later) ok... this neverending post has got to end. (it's technically a new day, so i'm destined to feel brighter when i wake up...)

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