Thursday, November 23, 2006

thanxgiving two thousand six...

today was

(...... i'm really thinkin' about my words.....)

not really what i expected.

i think at this point in my life though i'm constantly be taught and retaught the lesson of expectation.that the higher your expectation is of people or of a situation, the higher the chances that your expectation will not be met. not saying that i'm learning NOT TO have expectations. and not that my comment is a reflection on company that i shared my holiday dinner with. but just that the excitement leading up to the Dinner led to anticipations that maybe i shouldn't have anticipated.

all in all today TURNED OUT to be a lovely time spent with my girls: juju, amy, tia and joy. all gurls after my own heart: silly sensibility. the five of us ate to our hearts content and laughed the way only girlfriends can, and Lord knows that always makes my heart full.

in thinking back, though, to what i expected--
some type of surrogate family experience with a house full of people, coming in early and leaving late... etc etc

i guess i wasn't realistic with myself. the truth is that the majority of people i know here are casual acquantainces at best, and not only that but i've become increasingly less social over the past year, which means whatever tight knit group of individuals i was expecting to see probably doesn't exist in my life right now. i had that "group" in l.a. even outside of my actual family members. but i tend to forget that that tight knit group was formed over a period of four years and that we had a common thread in that we all attended the same church. yeah, i don't have anything like that here (just yet), which isn't problematic, but moreso becoming more evident during times when i want to spend quality time with people i love, or at least like very much.

so i think this particular thanxgiving, my very first official HOSTING in my own "home", lacked a certain resonance that you get from having large groups of loved ones around. it was different, but if i've ever learned one thing it's that different is not bad, it's necessary even.

there were a few individuals that i would've loved to have seen come by, but for various reason couldn't or didn't make it. they were certainly missed but i look at it the way mommy put it, "whoever is supposed to be there will be there." selah.

i have to remember that adage that states "Rome wasn't built in a day...".. perhaps a reference out of context but i realize that this was just my first Thanxgiving Dinner, and that when/if/should i continue to host it in the future it will begin to take on a life and personality and a history of it's own. and that as i start to lay roots here, the bonds i make are sure to grow past casual into substantial frienships, with whom i'll continue to spend my holidays.

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