Wednesday, September 06, 2006

premonition manifest..

according to my granny, i'm the free bird. she often chuckles "well i guess u's the only free bird left..." of the thirteen or so of her children's children that have committed themselves in love to another... and that's fine with her... she, well no one's ever felt it necessary to question why i've remained single for most of, perhaps all of my young adult life... i guess it just is what it is. everything IS everything, right, what is meant to be will be/ develop a negative into a positive picture and such, a favorite quote from the artist formerly referred to as l-boogie. well, i sit here, typing, trying to process my latest "role of negatives" into something of a positive picture that can be made into some sort of montage to gain from. just over a week ago i was splashed with a blue melancholy that has kept me in a rather dampened mood ever since. i spoke of it in another posting, saying that i felt like the piece of contentment i'd come to find in someone i deem special was likely coming to an end. well... maybe it's the power in word or even in mere thought, or perhaps just the sensible coming to terms with what IS and finding the where-with-all to move past it. i didn't want to be the first one to bring it up (IT being that inevitable: "so are we on the same page?") i really didn't. but once i realized that i really just might be on a different page than what was believed to be [within our pseudo/quasi/sorta/kinda/maybe/ itseemslikewe'redefinitelymorethanjustfriends relationship] there wasn't any way to ignore it. so without warning (to myself or to him) i brought it up. much to my surprise, and i guess his. the interesting thing is that the more i said, the more i thought: "WHAT am i doing??" yet i felt compelled to continue "sharing" about my perspective of the situation. i wanted to take back what i was saying, on some ole, "you know i was just playing...", but i wasn't playing. wasn't being silly. no jokes. no witty or sarcastic banter (well that i remember anyway) wasn't showing anything that contentment looks like. just being real, and open and vulnerable.. u know that stuff we like to see other people do but limit our own activity of for fear of looking foolish, being taken for granted, being rejected or being met with silence. yeah, that was ya'gurl. just open and telling it like it was... from her side of the grass. (i blamed the cartharsis on this freakin raw food cleanse thing i'm still managing to hold on to...)

why'd i do it, i've been asking myself over the past twentyfour hours, even though i knew the answer long before this even developed: whatever it is you're doing with someone, you have to be on the same page.

so now i guess we are: i flipped that sucka over to FIN.




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