Thursday, August 31, 2006

my original thought was to call this blog: "DAMMIT NEO.... WHY'D YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE STUPID RED PILL???"....

....cause i can't even LOOK at food or juices the same way since i started this cleansing diet... i mean i saw this dude sippin on a Hawaiian Punch (which used to be one of my favorite beverages to drink back in junior high school... Hawaiian Punch + Coffee Cake= SUGAR HIGH... yikes).. so yeah your boy was drink HwnPch on the train and all i saw was a can of HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and whatever else they put in there like exorbant amounts of food coloring and other stuff i can hardly pronounce.. but that's not what this is about.. the point is that i look at stuff and i'm starting to see it for what it really is.. i look at fruit and i'm like SUGAR (although it's the good kind, right...), I look at Eggo Waffles (which I've bought by the BOXES at Target) and I see TRANSFAT. I mean, i realllllyyyy didn't/don't want to turn into one of those people who takes all the joy out of eating tasty food and has hang-ups about every little thing we like to eat. you know what i mean.. i really see where ole boy in the Matrix was coming from, the one who made a deal with The Agent to erase his enlightened awareness of being OUTSIDE of the matrix. Awwww man, I could really FEEEELLL when he bit into that steak with a savor-the-flavor contentment on his face.. but he was CHOOSING TO IGNORE the truth and reside in the bliss of ignorance...

...sigh... i guess you can say i successfully completed 1 solid day of diet and cleansing, and my second day of raw eating... i started the day with an ounce of wheatgrass, and snacked on a cucumber with the intentions to eat a big greeeeenfriendly salad seasoned with fresh squeezed lemon and lime.. but i never got to the salad. this is the problem with sitting sedentary at a desk all day, when i sit i either get the urge to snack OR i don't feel hunry AT ALL (well, i think wheatgrass contributes to suppressing your hunger too, but i don't know how accurate that is). today was one of those days where hunger didn't really kick in. (ok, that's a problem right there that needs to be addressed: learning how to eat for nourishment and not hunger.. lol). SO i ended up not eating anything else after I snacked on my cucumber, just drank water all day til 6pm... i realized that this was a bad idea when I ran out of the office and into CVS, then jumped on the train downtown to the Bowery Poetry Club to my gurl's book release.. Somewhere between running into CVS and gettin on the V i ran completely out of steam. that's when it REALLY dawned on me, "ummm i really haven't eaten anything all day".

Sooo, i managed to hold it together, make a few connecs @ the poetry reading, and get home to get my large green salad about an hr ago.... not to mention a nice big avocado seasoned with lime.. it was tasty to say the least...

...but now i'm HUNGRY again...
salad just don't stick to your ribs like a warm fresh-out-the-oven slice of LASAGNA (or BROWNIES)!!!! :(

ps i did manage to graciously turn down an offer of a slice of cake AND dinner uptown with some friends... man, when this cleanse is over........ !

turning over a new arugula/endive/spinach leaf??

well, what can i say, i'm gettin off to a slow start but i'm happy to announce that i've successfully completed my first day ALL RAW of cleansing.... well, semi-successful, i mean i actually had fruit all day: a smoothie (a Purple Rain-- my favorite!!-- with banana/blueberries/ice), a plum, a nectarine, a peach, and an apple..... which technically negates the process of cleansing since fruit contains natural sugar :( but at least i didn't eat anything fried or baked or sauteed or flambe'd or well COOKED..... so to ME that's success!.... I also went to the Fairway and picked up $40 worth of green veggies.... what i realized is that fresh herbs (not HERBBBB but herbSSSS) smell soooooooo devine!!! my sensory buds were so ALIVE!!! (like that P.O.D. song: I-I-I/ I feel soooo ALIVE-E-E/ for the very first TIIIIMMMEE/ I can't deny You/ I feel so alive.....)

....... so i am pleased to realize that it wasn't as daunting as i played it up to be in my mind.. although this was just day one, and i did eat fruit all day. at least i had two ounces of WHEATGRASS which, by the way, also was not as frightful as i remembered....

so i had to come to the realization it's all a mind thing.. i'm sure i should've known that at first, and i probably did, but i think although we/people really aspire for positive change, sometimes we hold on to what IS with the fear that what WILL BE in some way won't measure up.. i had a lil "revelation" this morning when i was on the train, but all of a sudden (on the uptown 4 train)i had this alternate perspective on doing this cleansing diet: i thought about when you decide that you want to submit your life to Christ and live each day making choices based on the awareness that you are a Christian, you are able to (or at least are supposed to) filter (and sometimes abstain from) what you allow into your life (just
generally speaking). a lot of us struggle with KNOWING THAT we need to do/not do certain things and WANTING TO do/not do certain things, but we still CHOOSE to live as we have been, without the boundaries and filters that demarkate us as living with the awareness of being a Christian.... i don't know how this cleanse turned into a verbose spiritual conversation with myself, but whatever..... :)

so i mean, at least my desire to DO the cleanse (again just for SEVEN DAYS not necessarily twenty one) has shifted into a more positive proactive gear, i've bought bunches of veggies, spent FOREVER getting most of them washed (geeeezzzzz dirty a$$ vegetables), got my juicer all hooked up..

...so on to the morrow where i shall juice to my heart's (and healthy skin's) content....

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Geeezz.. why am i stressin???

ok, FORREAL, i'm not feelin this all raw cleanse/diet i'm sposed to be starting sooner than later... i mean not at all..... the juicer arrived today, courtesy of mommy dearest... they weren't using it. the interesting thing is that i'd asked her to send it to me like two weeks ago before i'd even spoken to tegra about this whole raw food green juice cleanse revolution i seem to be embarking on. so it must've been in the cards to get it here and get to using it accordingly...

so... yeah, about that 21 DAYS thing... that scares me. i don't know why, but it does. my will power is lacking in a lot areas, i hate to admit. and i'm just feelin like i'm settin myself up to fail by attempting to abstain from all cooked foods not to mention fruits, crackers, breads, sauces and smoothies for 3 WEEKS. I just don't know. maybe it's not THAT long, but then again i've never done anything like this.... it's particularly daunting for reasons i can't even pinpoint... the anxiety is overwhelming and i haven't even started yet. well, i take that back, i'm not losing any sleep over it, but i'm definitely thinking about it a whole lot more than i probably should.... i think i'd better commit to a solid 7 DAYS of cleansing. like start tomorrow (Wed) with my greens and wheatgrass and water and things, and mentally hold it together until next tues... GEEZ. what in the woyld have i gotten myself into...... :(



On a HAPPIER note, Nick@Nite.com has reunion-like docu-footage of the A Different World cast w/ Debbie Allen. Did you know that she was the US Ambassador of Culture on Dance and has choreographed the Oscar's (or was it the Grammy's) for the past 10 years? Dope, right.... But there's interview's from Denise, Dwayne & Whitley, Ron & Freddie, and Jaleesa... oddly enough Kim Reese, Col. Taylor, Lena James & Mister Gaines weren't a part of the festivites... oh well! To all the die hard ADF fans, cheers!

http://www.tvland.com/nickatnite/shows/differentworld/hillmancollege/

Sunday, August 27, 2006

romantic comedies & shadows of doubt...

the reality is that i'm used to not having a significant other. out of all the boys i've had feelings for over the years, for whatever reason, i just haven't been in a position where it blossomed into anything that could be labeled a definite relationship. i don't know if that's a reflection of who i've become over the past twenty-seven years in relation to how these guys view me, or if that's just the journey i was destined to walk (perhaps that's just the way it is). i mean i'm not scared of boys, well not anymore (i was a late bloomer... what can i say). and i have no problem collecting guys as friends, i guess cause i don't do drama, i'm just silly, (mostly) easy-going me, the cool chick without a lot of fanfare; i actually don't need anymore homeboys, regardless of how cool they think i am :) ...... so i guess today, like so many other days (not every day, but certainly other days), i wonder what it takes to end up with that mutual desire to be with someone. i have all the logical answers- it takes time: you meet someone, you like him/he likes you, you spend time together, it starts to bloom and eventually blossom, and as time progresses you realize that you'd like to spend as much time possible with this person in the most functional and progressive ways possible. you realize that you are in each others respective corners, so tight in the cut that the "issue's and ain't'yous" that appear don't permeate what you're establishing. that seems simple enough. to me anyway.

i may be too simple, though, to realize that apparently it's not that easy (or as simple as i think it should be). i already know that i'm a VICTIM (read:hopeful romantic) of the Sabrina's, and the Brown Sugar's, and the When Harry Met Sally's, and the You've Got Mail's, and the Love Jones', and the 50 First Date's, and the Wedding Singer/ Planner's, and the Best Man's- the black version and the subtitled italian version, and definitely the relatable Bridget Jones Diary's (not to mention the hundreds of classics that i adore with gene kelly and leslie caron and audrey hepburn and maurice chevalier and carey grant and jimmy stewart), all the romantic comedies where girl meets boy-something predictably wacky happens- boy/girl seperate- but it's ok cause you knew all along they'd end up together. after so many years, i guess these movies represent psuedo-templates to the realization of a lasting love i hope to find in my own life (while my parents relationship represents a more concrete example that i aspire for, more romantic than comedy non-the-less, buts that's another blog).

so i guess i started writing this because though it seems i've found a piece of contentment in spending time with someone who i consider an extraordinary person through and through, today i can't help but feeling that it likely won't be blooming into something more substantial, which sucks because i really believe that it could all be so simple, and that at some point i'll meet someone who wants to exist in a simple reality, holding my hand on this journey without a shadow of a doubt (the shadows of the past and the doubts of the future).

maybe i'm feeling so expressively melancholy because of the gray rain, maybe it was my solitary yet thankfully restful weekend. maybe pms is rearing its predictably ugly head. maybe premonition is preparing me for more time spent without my newfound contentment. and i guess that's alright since i have my movies to keep me preoccupied.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

to cleanse or not to cleanse...

i just talked to this lady who i've always considered to be fairygodmotherlike cause she's sooooo freakin beautiful and wise, and just the all around bomb in my book cause she travels the world being fabulous and stacking yin.... so i emailed her about my skin problem (that seems to be going from moderate to severe- or maybe i'm just paranoid about it because it's definitely not getting any better) telling her i don't know what's triggered it (my skin's being held hostage- i said) or what the solution is (i haven't a clue what the ransome is).

IT'S YOUR DIET. she says. PERIOD. SOMETHING IN YOU IS TOXIC. YOU HAVE TO GO RAW FOR 30 DAYS TO CLEAN YOUR SYSTEM...

i'm like, gasp :O hmmmm, okaaaaayyyyyyyy...

ON TOP OF THAT she was like, eat very little fruit and mostly leafy green vegetables.....

(again) GASP :O ummmmmmmmm, okaaaayyyyy..... (as of late i've taken to drinking at least a fresh fruit smoothie a day in the name of eating more healthy but still keeping my taste buds happy.)

...so, she's sending this detox regimen to look over tonight, and i guess the rest is up to me.....

can i just say that I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER followed a diet regimen. like NEVER. (never been overweight so never thought i needed to watch what i eat.) i don't know how i'm going to do it, i don't even know if i KNOW HOW TO do it... i don't even know if i truly WANT TO DO IT. *sigh* but I can do all things through Christ, right (that's what scripture says, and well, i believe scripture to be truth if i don't believe anything else is).... so that's gonna have to become my mantra. i CAN do it.

well, here's to the prelude to my chlorophylled journey.... :(

...i should be smiling about the prospects of being clear and oh so healthy, but i'm not.