Sunday, December 31, 2006

The BENEDICTION... (according to Bishop Kenneth C. Ulmer)

Well it's been a good day
a good year
a year that the Lord has made
we have rejoiced and we are glad in it.
Now we ask
for the last time this year
and for the first time
in the coming year
that YOU
Go before us to lead us
Beside us to protect us
Behind us to push and encourage us
Above us to cover us
Beneath us to sustain us
and IN us to fill us
with Your presence and power
that our lives might bring
honor and glory unto you
and we ask this
in the name that is above every name
in the name of Christ Jesus

Friday, December 29, 2006

the obligatory end of the yr i'm thankful for what's been and what's to come... (written is Las Vegas Airport)

i'm sayin...

it's been a good year. a. GOOD. year. a yr of blessings. and firsts. i can't plan for these things. i don't plan my life. never been good at it. but i trust GOD and i move fwd and i make it work. i read a post by a friend distinguishing the difference between the inconvenieces of life and the full on tragedies. i give thanx and hold my breath all at the same time that there's been no tragedies. my support is still in tact and they love me. God's grace is sufficient. i still peer out from rose-colored glasses, but yo, it's working. it keeps me sane. just a tool to keep my heart jumpin.

a yr of firsts.
first masters (well, probably only masters!)
first job that i feel like was really made for me
first time seeing War and the Rev Al Green
first all veggie all raw aww MAN fast... (and it won't be the last i guess...)
first time to chicago
first time on a lot of lil streets in manhattan
first time finding adventure on staten island
first time i liked a boy/and he liked me back just the same/and held my hand& my heart (even if he didn't mean to)
first time to vegas... as an adult!
first time indoor skydiving (!)
or probably a host of other random firsts that i feel lucky to have had...

i pray for a graceful new yr. God's grace and all that it entails. more firsts. a few follow-ups. more passion. more love. active love. proactive love. more roses. more rose colored glasses. or at least shades. more laughter. more embraces. more dance. more of the little things that shape the quality of life. because that other stuff is gonna be there. it's gonna be there. so may as well be peace.

if you see me in the new yr, and i've lost my grin, my dance, my knack for finding the silly in all things sane.... come and see about me. please.

Monday, December 11, 2006


whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy was i on HOLD for FORTY SEVEN MINUTES with the LA Free Clinic (after dialing the number FIVE TIMES before the busy signal i was waiting for finally let up) to make a dental appoitment, only to find out from the operator that they are no longer taking new dental patients at this time grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... it actually took about 2.5 minutes for her to say this to me and hang up as i tried to question why i waited 47 mins to find that out when there could've been a pre-recorded MESSAGE stating this pertinent lil tidbit of info............

Monday, December 04, 2006

this will probably become a poem at some point...

reaons why....

not because of the things you do
for me,
but because

are the person

who would do the things
that you do for me.

it drives me crazy that you won't say anything.
& that you'll deny b4 you'll confirm.
& that my conclusions are drawn based on conversations
of daysweeksmonths passed.
but you're here. & you've been here.
so i guess i know.

and yet none of these things either keep me from
or cause me to love

the part of you
i've come to know.

i do because it's comfortable.

random thoughts from 11/16 &11/20

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

(gurl moment) i can dig it...

julia roberts was on oprah tonight talkin about raising her children and how much she really loves her husband... i've never heard someone express their love in this type of parallel:

I don't know who loves Danny [her husband] more, me or Phin [her baby son]... it's like he comes through the door [after being out all day] and we're BOTH just as excited to see him...! it really feels good to have someone else who understands just how much i love this man...

Monday, November 27, 2006

thank THE LORD HEAVENLY FATHER who knows how much i've needed this......(and mike aiken!) i got a raise.....

and the faint hint at a salary with benefits should things continue to work out favorably!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

thanxgiving two thousand six...

today was

(...... i'm really thinkin' about my words.....)

not really what i expected.

i think at this point in my life though i'm constantly be taught and retaught the lesson of expectation.that the higher your expectation is of people or of a situation, the higher the chances that your expectation will not be met. not saying that i'm learning NOT TO have expectations. and not that my comment is a reflection on company that i shared my holiday dinner with. but just that the excitement leading up to the Dinner led to anticipations that maybe i shouldn't have anticipated.

all in all today TURNED OUT to be a lovely time spent with my girls: juju, amy, tia and joy. all gurls after my own heart: silly sensibility. the five of us ate to our hearts content and laughed the way only girlfriends can, and Lord knows that always makes my heart full.

in thinking back, though, to what i expected--
some type of surrogate family experience with a house full of people, coming in early and leaving late... etc etc

i guess i wasn't realistic with myself. the truth is that the majority of people i know here are casual acquantainces at best, and not only that but i've become increasingly less social over the past year, which means whatever tight knit group of individuals i was expecting to see probably doesn't exist in my life right now. i had that "group" in l.a. even outside of my actual family members. but i tend to forget that that tight knit group was formed over a period of four years and that we had a common thread in that we all attended the same church. yeah, i don't have anything like that here (just yet), which isn't problematic, but moreso becoming more evident during times when i want to spend quality time with people i love, or at least like very much.

so i think this particular thanxgiving, my very first official HOSTING in my own "home", lacked a certain resonance that you get from having large groups of loved ones around. it was different, but if i've ever learned one thing it's that different is not bad, it's necessary even.

there were a few individuals that i would've loved to have seen come by, but for various reason couldn't or didn't make it. they were certainly missed but i look at it the way mommy put it, "whoever is supposed to be there will be there." selah.

i have to remember that adage that states "Rome wasn't built in a day...".. perhaps a reference out of context but i realize that this was just my first Thanxgiving Dinner, and that when/if/should i continue to host it in the future it will begin to take on a life and personality and a history of it's own. and that as i start to lay roots here, the bonds i make are sure to grow past casual into substantial frienships, with whom i'll continue to spend my holidays.

Friday, November 17, 2006

REACH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

AWWWWWWWWWWW MAN!!! I was sooo not even knowing....

ok! SO, the song that the musical love of my life, RAPHAEL SAADIQ, opened his show with was the song REACH OUT by the FOUR TOPS.....

(now i've always known the song.... especially the I'LLLL BE THEREEEEEE part, but when i saw him and his background singers --THE MOIST TOWELETTES-- come out on stage singin' it for some foolish reason i thought it was The Tempations.... Thank God for being able to randomly stuble on The Four Tops MySpace page at like 4'oClock in the morning when i should be sleeping....)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

give thanx to walter mosley...

for introducing me to Madeleines last summer.


the backstory:

Last summer when i was working as program coordinator for Voices of Our Nation Summer Writer's Workshop, Walter Mosley was the residency instructor during the first week of workshops. So it was my job to pick him up from the hotel, get him over to campus, and then safely return him to the hotel. Well, on the way to the campus we were chattin it up and he asked me to stop at Starbucks to get a lil sumthin before class. Of course I happily obliged and shuttled him over to the nearby coffee shop. When he returned to the car he turned to me and said, "Here I brought you a package of Madeleines." Seeing as how I'd never thought to buy them before I was pretty excited to be getting complimentary sweets (classic mai!). When i bit into the first one i realized that i just WAS NOT READY for the soft barely vanilla-y pound cake type of GOODNESS each one of those little cakes possessed!!!!!

So I turned to him in delight like, "OMG! THESE ARE SOOO GOOD!!!! THANK YOU SOO MUCH!! From now on every time I have a Madeleine I will certainly think of you!"

Monday, November 13, 2006

i haven't even slept tonight...

i mustve slept too much this weekend, cause i haven't even batted an eye, let alone yawned, like i'm sleepy...

meanwhile, i've learned all kind of random stuff about random stuff like:

  • me and kimora lee simmons possibly being kin (her maiden name is perkins)
  • mos def allegedly having married a woman in toronto this yr although not yet divorced from his wife of 10yrs.... and allegedly having 5 children, two from his first wife of whom he's sposed to be paying $10,000 child support A MONTH (sheeeeshh)...
  • both everlast and ice cube have been muslim for years (who knew...)
  • the islamic faith believes in an afterlife heaven/paradise and hell, though one frame of thought believes that any who end up in hell will eventually end up in heaven due to God's compassion
  • there are cities in the US and Canada with high muslim population that serve halal chicken mc nuggets and halal popeyes chicken
  • today there will be a groundbreaking ceremony for Dr King's monument on the national mall (the only non president monument on the mall), and the remaining 37 million needed to ensure completion of the monument by 2008 may be provided by oprah winfrey and russel simmons
  • karl marx converted to christianity.. i think
  • a sri lankan human rights lawyer and his body guard was assasinated a few days ago
  • Kent State is the first university to offer a degree in Conflict Resolution as a result of the May 4th Massacre
  • a [male] NJ music teacher is facing 30 yrs in prison for sexually assaulting a former [male] student who now has AIDS


  • ED BRADLEY undeniably could've been/ should've been my favorite uncle.

i should go to sleep soon.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

if ever i produce a tribute album to curtis mayfield

it is a must that r.saadiq cover "We People Darker Than Blue" with Nate Jones on Bass, Gordon Campbell on Drums, Stacy Dillard on Sax.... and of course, me on Tambourine!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

this one is takin it back for my kinfolk....

i got this email yesterday from Traci recounting those universal truths of growing up with lots and lots of sisters and brother and cousins and friends..... and it brought all these memories of my own wonderful existance as a child:

  • ...4th of July with the WHOOOLLLEEE family at Cerritos Park
  • sleeping two (or three) to a bed at Mommae's house in the summer
  • riding in THE TRUCK (four in the front- probably me and Kevin in between Mommae and Daddy Albert-- and E'RYBODY ELSE in the back) on the way to Magic Mountain once a year,
  • being scared to go in the BACK back yard cause that's where RED --Mommae's Doberman Pinscher-- was!
  • What about Beauty (that blue dog) in the back too, i don't remember what kind of mut she was but she WAS BLUE!!
  • the there was that cat Calico and the one my brother named Too Cool that would sit on his shoulder (I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKIN THIS STUFF UP!!!!)....
  • the PLASTIC COVERED COUCH with that crocheted orange, green and yellow blanket, and those decorative yarn diamond things on Mommae's bedroom wall!!
  • Playin in Daddy Albert's RECLINING CHAIR!!!! (and his cane) HAAA!!!!
  • The O'G Baby Blue CROWN VICTORIA!!
  • the Price is Right, Press Your Luck and WWF WRESTLE MANIA (with the rubber Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and Randy Macho Man Savage and all the other figurines... AND the wrestling ring in the living room)
  • not to mention G.L.O.W. GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING (remember when that one wrestlers bone came out of her arm on TV!!!)....
  • Daddy Albert eating slices of buttered bread toasted in the oven's broiler...
  • couting pennies to get like 60 penny candy's from the ice cream truck (side note: i still hear that SAME ice cream truck song from the trucks here in NYC and it brings me back every time, man!!!)
  • and... AND feelin grown cause you could WALK TO THE MOMMA STO'!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now THOSE were the days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok ps... who remembers when Mommae REALLLLYYY did not like us watching sitcoms cause it was tooooo much laughing???????


i've been having a very -circle of life- awareness today, and i mean in the most non-Lion King-kind of way... i'm feeling so overwhelmed with... i don't know what.. emotion? it's not a pms thing either, it's not a sadness, nor a sense of melancholy in as much as this sense of urgency. it seems so clear though i can't put my finger on it. i'm feeling very-life is short- at the moment, and consequently, feel the need to express how much i cherish the ones who are within my immediate circle of influence and who i have a large capacity of love and affection for. each day there are reminders of the fact that there's something so much bigger than our lil daily scopes of reasoning. And one lil documentary detailing how biblical prophecy seems to be coming to pass sooner than later puts things into a persceptive that time as we know it will come to an end. i mean, i know this, i knew this, i was raised with the belief (and subsequently derived of my own volition) that in Christ this world would pass away and that salvation would provide new life through Him. I know this. So, as i become more aware of things that are being played out in this country and on the world stage, i'm finding it more urgent to engage in life while it is good. And that is not commenting on how soon life (as we know it) will change or no longer be good, i just want to make sure that i am spending precious time accordingly.........

........there's so much more i thought i was going to type, but i'm not.

just know that i was thinking about you and that i love you.

Monday, October 30, 2006


i haven't written in forever..... perhaps my muse will return in november..... :(

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

my goal in life... (well one of them anyway)

is to produce a world tour
where I, & two other soul shaking sistas,
will also sing background vocals
in a tina turner wig &
black thigh length shimmy dress....

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

this is the part where i retract my previous sentiments...

when u find someone in your life
who's actions
speak louder than their words
(or lack thereof)
who exists in a substantially positive way
& who's charater easily resonates &
influences u in ways that u need
& who makes u laugh
either with a quirky yet keen sense of humor
or by relentlessly tickling u
& who makes u think about
things u wouldn't ordinarily think about
or provides answers to questions u've always had
& has a genuine interest in your wellbeing &
a proactive way of showing it
(especially when it comes to terrifying incidents
with monster-sized flying waterbugs)...

...if someone like that appears in your life
don't question the validity or significance of it...

just take it for the blessing that it is
& do your part to keep it from
getting too complicated

Sunday, September 10, 2006

this is why he's my best friend...

Hello Lady,

Being on the same page can sometimes be quite a challenge in a relationship. Especially in the first few years. The real thing that you want to know is: Are you at least reading the same book? You can be reading the same book and just be in two different chapters because one of you is a faster reader than the other. The thing is, if you both keep reading, you will eventually end up on the same page. Your momma and I started out reading the same book meaning that we wanted to be together. But, for a long while, about three years, we were on very different pages. With her dreams and aspirations leading to being a teacher and mine leading to being a musician, naturally it was very difficult to reach a common ground of reading. We wanted to be together (same book) so, eventually, we made it work (same page).

Not being on the same page with someone only makes a big difference if you are not reading the same book. Some people are quicker in defining the book they are reading than others...TIME. Some people have to overcome the fear of the commitment that the reading is leading them to...TIME. There is the sorting out of thoughts...TIME. Overcoming uncertainties and such...TIME. There are all kinds of things that can take...TIME. Once all of the issues are unclouded, if you realize that you are reading the same book, then you have to decide if it is worth it to take the time to get on the same page.

If you find that you are not reading the same book, then you know you will never get on the same page, and you can act accordingly. If you want romance and he wants friendship...different book.

Like I said, commitment is a scary thing for some people. Especially these days for some reason. Give things time to play out. If you keep your feelings in check by being realistic to whatever the situation is and see how it plays out, you can't lose either way. If you make your case to someone about how you feel, you don't have to keep making it. You never have to mention it again until that person does. Until then, pray for discernment and wisdom. Know that some may be afraid to make that commitment. So, be patient, look and listen.

Keep reading. You'll find someone who's interested in the same reading material.



Wednesday, September 06, 2006

premonition manifest..

according to my granny, i'm the free bird. she often chuckles "well i guess u's the only free bird left..." of the thirteen or so of her children's children that have committed themselves in love to another... and that's fine with her... she, well no one's ever felt it necessary to question why i've remained single for most of, perhaps all of my young adult life... i guess it just is what it is. everything IS everything, right, what is meant to be will be/ develop a negative into a positive picture and such, a favorite quote from the artist formerly referred to as l-boogie. well, i sit here, typing, trying to process my latest "role of negatives" into something of a positive picture that can be made into some sort of montage to gain from. just over a week ago i was splashed with a blue melancholy that has kept me in a rather dampened mood ever since. i spoke of it in another posting, saying that i felt like the piece of contentment i'd come to find in someone i deem special was likely coming to an end. well... maybe it's the power in word or even in mere thought, or perhaps just the sensible coming to terms with what IS and finding the where-with-all to move past it. i didn't want to be the first one to bring it up (IT being that inevitable: "so are we on the same page?") i really didn't. but once i realized that i really just might be on a different page than what was believed to be [within our pseudo/quasi/sorta/kinda/maybe/ itseemslikewe'redefinitelymorethanjustfriends relationship] there wasn't any way to ignore it. so without warning (to myself or to him) i brought it up. much to my surprise, and i guess his. the interesting thing is that the more i said, the more i thought: "WHAT am i doing??" yet i felt compelled to continue "sharing" about my perspective of the situation. i wanted to take back what i was saying, on some ole, "you know i was just playing...", but i wasn't playing. wasn't being silly. no jokes. no witty or sarcastic banter (well that i remember anyway) wasn't showing anything that contentment looks like. just being real, and open and vulnerable.. u know that stuff we like to see other people do but limit our own activity of for fear of looking foolish, being taken for granted, being rejected or being met with silence. yeah, that was ya'gurl. just open and telling it like it was... from her side of the grass. (i blamed the cartharsis on this freakin raw food cleanse thing i'm still managing to hold on to...)

why'd i do it, i've been asking myself over the past twentyfour hours, even though i knew the answer long before this even developed: whatever it is you're doing with someone, you have to be on the same page.

so now i guess we are: i flipped that sucka over to FIN.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

well... what can i say....

dag... today has been one of those days....

raining like crazy... sheets of rain... hurricane what's his name is doing the damn thing... been raining since last night but i managed to make it in before the deluge had a chance to drench me.... slept til i woke UP, which was around 2:30p (i don;t get to do that so often anymore with this grown up job), now its 2:15am and i probably won't be going to sleep for another few hours.

sooo (*sigh* i've been sighing a lot more lately) in keeping with the theme of the week, i've been keeping to my fonky little raw food regimen. i'm tired of it though. i want some good tasty cooked food... BUT, superficially speaking, in four days, my skin is looking comparatively healthier..... but this apples spinach kale juice is driving me cuckoo4cocoapuffs... and i don't even like cocoapuffs. wouldn't mind some honeynut cheerios and soy milk though.

BUT no need to really cheer for my success just yet..... in a moment of weakness i fell victim to the NATURAL (mind you) peanut butter pushed to the back of the cupboard by jamming my celery stick down into it.... you know how when claire was workin out with debbie allen so that she could fit into her gold embroidered reunion dress, and cliff- in all efforts to knock her off of the diet- cooked all that mexican food she loved, and she went down to the kitchen at like two in the morning and stuck the tortilla down into the guacamole in absolute extacy... yeah that was me just now, only instead of a corn tortilla chip it was a celery stick, and instead of (mmmm mmmm good) guacamole, it was peanut butter.

at first i tried to to just skim the top while taking large bites of the celery (which i really don't care for EVER) but it turned into more of a celery spoon for my peanut butter mouthfuls. i only ate a few of them, and dag did it hit the spot, but i stopped short of contentment and ate the rest of the celery sans peanuts or butter.

now my tummy hurts... go figure... and i'm hoping that i haven't reversed the affects of 4 days of skin nuturing with my one little slip-up. i guess its back to green juice in the morning.

...anyway, this is the second saturday in a row that i've been in the house all day. not that i can't go out and find something very newyorkish to do, but who wants to get soggy in heavy downpours?... i'm bored now. of course there's some writing or editing or perpetual straightening up that i can be doing, but i'm under my warm covers (gosh i love this heated blanket) missing what/whoever it is a gurl can miss on a saturday night.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

my original thought was to call this blog: "DAMMIT NEO.... WHY'D YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE STUPID RED PILL???"....

....cause i can't even LOOK at food or juices the same way since i started this cleansing diet... i mean i saw this dude sippin on a Hawaiian Punch (which used to be one of my favorite beverages to drink back in junior high school... Hawaiian Punch + Coffee Cake= SUGAR HIGH... yikes).. so yeah your boy was drink HwnPch on the train and all i saw was a can of HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP and whatever else they put in there like exorbant amounts of food coloring and other stuff i can hardly pronounce.. but that's not what this is about.. the point is that i look at stuff and i'm starting to see it for what it really is.. i look at fruit and i'm like SUGAR (although it's the good kind, right...), I look at Eggo Waffles (which I've bought by the BOXES at Target) and I see TRANSFAT. I mean, i realllllyyyy didn't/don't want to turn into one of those people who takes all the joy out of eating tasty food and has hang-ups about every little thing we like to eat. you know what i mean.. i really see where ole boy in the Matrix was coming from, the one who made a deal with The Agent to erase his enlightened awareness of being OUTSIDE of the matrix. Awwww man, I could really FEEEELLL when he bit into that steak with a savor-the-flavor contentment on his face.. but he was CHOOSING TO IGNORE the truth and reside in the bliss of ignorance...

...sigh... i guess you can say i successfully completed 1 solid day of diet and cleansing, and my second day of raw eating... i started the day with an ounce of wheatgrass, and snacked on a cucumber with the intentions to eat a big greeeeenfriendly salad seasoned with fresh squeezed lemon and lime.. but i never got to the salad. this is the problem with sitting sedentary at a desk all day, when i sit i either get the urge to snack OR i don't feel hunry AT ALL (well, i think wheatgrass contributes to suppressing your hunger too, but i don't know how accurate that is). today was one of those days where hunger didn't really kick in. (ok, that's a problem right there that needs to be addressed: learning how to eat for nourishment and not hunger.. lol). SO i ended up not eating anything else after I snacked on my cucumber, just drank water all day til 6pm... i realized that this was a bad idea when I ran out of the office and into CVS, then jumped on the train downtown to the Bowery Poetry Club to my gurl's book release.. Somewhere between running into CVS and gettin on the V i ran completely out of steam. that's when it REALLY dawned on me, "ummm i really haven't eaten anything all day".

Sooo, i managed to hold it together, make a few connecs @ the poetry reading, and get home to get my large green salad about an hr ago.... not to mention a nice big avocado seasoned with lime.. it was tasty to say the least...

...but now i'm HUNGRY again...
salad just don't stick to your ribs like a warm fresh-out-the-oven slice of LASAGNA (or BROWNIES)!!!! :(

ps i did manage to graciously turn down an offer of a slice of cake AND dinner uptown with some friends... man, when this cleanse is over........ !

turning over a new arugula/endive/spinach leaf??

well, what can i say, i'm gettin off to a slow start but i'm happy to announce that i've successfully completed my first day ALL RAW of cleansing.... well, semi-successful, i mean i actually had fruit all day: a smoothie (a Purple Rain-- my favorite!!-- with banana/blueberries/ice), a plum, a nectarine, a peach, and an apple..... which technically negates the process of cleansing since fruit contains natural sugar :( but at least i didn't eat anything fried or baked or sauteed or flambe'd or well COOKED..... so to ME that's success!.... I also went to the Fairway and picked up $40 worth of green veggies.... what i realized is that fresh herbs (not HERBBBB but herbSSSS) smell soooooooo devine!!! my sensory buds were so ALIVE!!! (like that P.O.D. song: I-I-I/ I feel soooo ALIVE-E-E/ for the very first TIIIIMMMEE/ I can't deny You/ I feel so alive.....)

....... so i am pleased to realize that it wasn't as daunting as i played it up to be in my mind.. although this was just day one, and i did eat fruit all day. at least i had two ounces of WHEATGRASS which, by the way, also was not as frightful as i remembered....

so i had to come to the realization it's all a mind thing.. i'm sure i should've known that at first, and i probably did, but i think although we/people really aspire for positive change, sometimes we hold on to what IS with the fear that what WILL BE in some way won't measure up.. i had a lil "revelation" this morning when i was on the train, but all of a sudden (on the uptown 4 train)i had this alternate perspective on doing this cleansing diet: i thought about when you decide that you want to submit your life to Christ and live each day making choices based on the awareness that you are a Christian, you are able to (or at least are supposed to) filter (and sometimes abstain from) what you allow into your life (just
generally speaking). a lot of us struggle with KNOWING THAT we need to do/not do certain things and WANTING TO do/not do certain things, but we still CHOOSE to live as we have been, without the boundaries and filters that demarkate us as living with the awareness of being a Christian.... i don't know how this cleanse turned into a verbose spiritual conversation with myself, but whatever..... :)

so i mean, at least my desire to DO the cleanse (again just for SEVEN DAYS not necessarily twenty one) has shifted into a more positive proactive gear, i've bought bunches of veggies, spent FOREVER getting most of them washed (geeeezzzzz dirty a$$ vegetables), got my juicer all hooked up.. on to the morrow where i shall juice to my heart's (and healthy skin's) content....

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Geeezz.. why am i stressin???

ok, FORREAL, i'm not feelin this all raw cleanse/diet i'm sposed to be starting sooner than later... i mean not at all..... the juicer arrived today, courtesy of mommy dearest... they weren't using it. the interesting thing is that i'd asked her to send it to me like two weeks ago before i'd even spoken to tegra about this whole raw food green juice cleanse revolution i seem to be embarking on. so it must've been in the cards to get it here and get to using it accordingly...

so... yeah, about that 21 DAYS thing... that scares me. i don't know why, but it does. my will power is lacking in a lot areas, i hate to admit. and i'm just feelin like i'm settin myself up to fail by attempting to abstain from all cooked foods not to mention fruits, crackers, breads, sauces and smoothies for 3 WEEKS. I just don't know. maybe it's not THAT long, but then again i've never done anything like this.... it's particularly daunting for reasons i can't even pinpoint... the anxiety is overwhelming and i haven't even started yet. well, i take that back, i'm not losing any sleep over it, but i'm definitely thinking about it a whole lot more than i probably should.... i think i'd better commit to a solid 7 DAYS of cleansing. like start tomorrow (Wed) with my greens and wheatgrass and water and things, and mentally hold it together until next tues... GEEZ. what in the woyld have i gotten myself into...... :(

On a HAPPIER note, has reunion-like docu-footage of the A Different World cast w/ Debbie Allen. Did you know that she was the US Ambassador of Culture on Dance and has choreographed the Oscar's (or was it the Grammy's) for the past 10 years? Dope, right.... But there's interview's from Denise, Dwayne & Whitley, Ron & Freddie, and Jaleesa... oddly enough Kim Reese, Col. Taylor, Lena James & Mister Gaines weren't a part of the festivites... oh well! To all the die hard ADF fans, cheers!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

romantic comedies & shadows of doubt...

the reality is that i'm used to not having a significant other. out of all the boys i've had feelings for over the years, for whatever reason, i just haven't been in a position where it blossomed into anything that could be labeled a definite relationship. i don't know if that's a reflection of who i've become over the past twenty-seven years in relation to how these guys view me, or if that's just the journey i was destined to walk (perhaps that's just the way it is). i mean i'm not scared of boys, well not anymore (i was a late bloomer... what can i say). and i have no problem collecting guys as friends, i guess cause i don't do drama, i'm just silly, (mostly) easy-going me, the cool chick without a lot of fanfare; i actually don't need anymore homeboys, regardless of how cool they think i am :) ...... so i guess today, like so many other days (not every day, but certainly other days), i wonder what it takes to end up with that mutual desire to be with someone. i have all the logical answers- it takes time: you meet someone, you like him/he likes you, you spend time together, it starts to bloom and eventually blossom, and as time progresses you realize that you'd like to spend as much time possible with this person in the most functional and progressive ways possible. you realize that you are in each others respective corners, so tight in the cut that the "issue's and ain't'yous" that appear don't permeate what you're establishing. that seems simple enough. to me anyway.

i may be too simple, though, to realize that apparently it's not that easy (or as simple as i think it should be). i already know that i'm a VICTIM (read:hopeful romantic) of the Sabrina's, and the Brown Sugar's, and the When Harry Met Sally's, and the You've Got Mail's, and the Love Jones', and the 50 First Date's, and the Wedding Singer/ Planner's, and the Best Man's- the black version and the subtitled italian version, and definitely the relatable Bridget Jones Diary's (not to mention the hundreds of classics that i adore with gene kelly and leslie caron and audrey hepburn and maurice chevalier and carey grant and jimmy stewart), all the romantic comedies where girl meets boy-something predictably wacky happens- boy/girl seperate- but it's ok cause you knew all along they'd end up together. after so many years, i guess these movies represent psuedo-templates to the realization of a lasting love i hope to find in my own life (while my parents relationship represents a more concrete example that i aspire for, more romantic than comedy non-the-less, buts that's another blog).

so i guess i started writing this because though it seems i've found a piece of contentment in spending time with someone who i consider an extraordinary person through and through, today i can't help but feeling that it likely won't be blooming into something more substantial, which sucks because i really believe that it could all be so simple, and that at some point i'll meet someone who wants to exist in a simple reality, holding my hand on this journey without a shadow of a doubt (the shadows of the past and the doubts of the future).

maybe i'm feeling so expressively melancholy because of the gray rain, maybe it was my solitary yet thankfully restful weekend. maybe pms is rearing its predictably ugly head. maybe premonition is preparing me for more time spent without my newfound contentment. and i guess that's alright since i have my movies to keep me preoccupied.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

to cleanse or not to cleanse...

i just talked to this lady who i've always considered to be fairygodmotherlike cause she's sooooo freakin beautiful and wise, and just the all around bomb in my book cause she travels the world being fabulous and stacking yin.... so i emailed her about my skin problem (that seems to be going from moderate to severe- or maybe i'm just paranoid about it because it's definitely not getting any better) telling her i don't know what's triggered it (my skin's being held hostage- i said) or what the solution is (i haven't a clue what the ransome is).


i'm like, gasp :O hmmmm, okaaaaayyyyyyyy...

ON TOP OF THAT she was like, eat very little fruit and mostly leafy green vegetables.....

(again) GASP :O ummmmmmmmm, okaaaayyyyy..... (as of late i've taken to drinking at least a fresh fruit smoothie a day in the name of eating more healthy but still keeping my taste buds happy.), she's sending this detox regimen to look over tonight, and i guess the rest is up to me.....

can i just say that I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER followed a diet regimen. like NEVER. (never been overweight so never thought i needed to watch what i eat.) i don't know how i'm going to do it, i don't even know if i KNOW HOW TO do it... i don't even know if i truly WANT TO DO IT. *sigh* but I can do all things through Christ, right (that's what scripture says, and well, i believe scripture to be truth if i don't believe anything else is).... so that's gonna have to become my mantra. i CAN do it.

well, here's to the prelude to my chlorophylled journey.... :(

...i should be smiling about the prospects of being clear and oh so healthy, but i'm not.