I'm feeling some kind of way

about this song. i'd like to further explain, but i'll just say: this song feels like love. melancholy. unrelenting. wildly passionate. hungry. steady. like a heartbeat. the bass sways like my heartbeat. like heavy breath. sighs. there are no smiles in this song. but i feel the love. the lyrics make me want to cry, but not a sad cry. maybe it makes me want to sit by the window seal on a rainy day. waiting for love. "don't stay away too long..." dag.

White Turns To Gray - Bilal

Godwinks and a Guy-aitus.

I intend to go on a guy-aitus this summer. And this is a good thing :)

I read a book over the past two days called When God Winks on Love. It was suggested to me by two or three different individuals who insisted my serendipitous events surrounding the man I love was similar to the real life stories recounted in the book by SQuire Rushnell. So, I finally went by the NYPL to see if they had it. Oddly enough (though I believe SR would call it a Godwink!), the catalog indicated that the book would not be in the library on that day. I can't remember the reason, but I decided to note the # and look on the shelf anyway, and wouldn't you know, it was right there! I walked over to the Hudson River and sat by the water reading the first few chapters.

The book is basically 200someodd pages of When Harry Met Sally stories from different couples from around the world and how they came to meet and live out their lives as soulmates because of God's Global Positioning System. Denzel and his wife Pauletta were mentioned, as well as other well known and unknown couples. It was reassuring to read the stories, because I really do believe in the soulmate experience, though I rarely call it that, nor do I state that I'm "looking for my soulmate", if you know what I mean. It's so cliche' to use that term, so I tend not to. But the essence of what that term "soulmate" means, I totally believe and expect that level of relationship to unfold in my own life. Always have. SR's book assures that the experience of meeting your soulmate occurs through a number of coincidental/serendipitous signs that indicate you're on the right path with this person. He believes that all individuals who end up developing a relationship with the person they later determine to be their soulmate experience Godwinks along the way, in some form or fashion, that confirm this is the person for them. And I believe/understand where he's coming from. The stories he recounts in his book unfold in that "OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW COULD THAT HAVE HAPPENED!" manner that is almost too coincidental to believe but is also too serendipitous to fabricate. I, for one, understand that coincidences are God's way of letting you know that, in the middle of this BIG OLE UNIVERSE, he's paying close attention to YOU.

Long before I ever heard of this book, I used to remark that God was winking at me every time I looked up and saw the number 416 on a digital clock, building address or on a subway car (or any other random place I tend to see it). Naturally, 416 is my date of birth, and the frequency of which I've seen it over the years literally caused me to think, God must be winking at me! Never knew that there was a book by the same title (When God Winks on Love is actually the second book in the series, the first having the same title sans "on Love".) Along with the sightings of four sixteen, my life over the past few years would make me the posterchild for Godwinks; so many coincidental, serendipitous, happenstancial (is that a word?), "there's no way this is happening" type of things have occured that I don't even question it anymore. I just say, "Thank you Lord" and keep it moving. Maybe it's what's meant by "All things work together", divine order, steps being ordered, and all the other biblical principles that I believe as truth. But SOMETIMES, my mind is completely blown at the intricacies of the Godwinks in my life. The whole saying a person's name in conversation and then they walk into your path hours later (that happened the first night I met Raphael Saadiq! I mentioned to a friend that I dont know what I would do if I ever met him, and then I went out to a party and he was there that very night!!! I asked him if I could join his band!!), or talking about someone all afternoon then getting an email from them saying they'll be here in two weeks and would love to see you (which happened yesterday!), THAT still blows my mind when it happens. Or how about looking at a place on the map and thinking "I'd like to go there one day", then agreeing to take a ride with someone days later only to find out en route that you're headed to the place you saw on the map! I mean, really, the winks from God come frequently and I note them ALL. I do. How could I not (ESPECIALLY since last September I kept thinking of one of my best childhood friends who'd just had a baby, and on the very day I decided that not ANOTHER 24 hours was gonna pass without me calling her to congratulate her on becoming a new mommy, her sister called to tell me that she had passed away that morning.... if I'd just given in to my urges to call days earlier... one day ealier...)

But let me tell you why this book was REALLY assuring. Because the love that was described in this particular book is parallel to the love that I feel for an individual, a guy I've known for some time; a love I believe that I'll hold in my heart for the rest of my life. And I'm not scared, nor do I feel foolish for stating that with such certainty. It's not an intention, it's not a hope, it's just a fact; I believe that I will love this particular man for the rest of my life. That is simply what I believe. I'm not going to get into whether or not I believe we will eventually wind up together as husband and wife happily ever after, or whether or not I think he is my soulmate. But I know that I was led to read a book chroncling the lives of individuals who met their significant other and the randomly orchestrated events that drew them together in an undeniable, irreplaceable bond. We're talking "When I fall in love, it will be forever" love, and the sensationally fortutious dominoes that tipped over to draw these individuals together. AND the faith in THAT FEELING, that intuition, was as clear an indication as any that they were on the right path. And they kept living their lives on that path and found themselves boo'd up for the longhaul journey! (I'm not talking ball-n-chain, I'm talkin tagteam like whoomp there it is!!) For the record, SR said that the Godwink coincidences weren't necessarily directives telling you WHAT to do, but moreso signposts to let you know that you're moving in the right direction. Of course when you decide you want to go in another direction, you stop looking at the signs on the path you're on and start looking elsewhere. (I note that because I have to say that though there have been more signs than I care to type right now indicating that I'm on a favorable path for loving the person I do, I also believe that if my heart EVER decides to let me off this path, I'll start to see signage for a significant love elsewhere. But I haven't completely fleshed out that train of thought yet because it's not my belief that my heart will be letting go of this one.)

So, in the fortunate folxs mentioned in the book, I saw parallels of my own story reflected. Only, I dont know how my story will continue to unfold, especially considering that I am not in a committed relationship with this love of my life (!), but we are in, and have been in, one another's lives and exist in a comfortable way that makes sense to me (as far as illogical matters of the heart go). At any given time he is my companion and friend, mcgyver, mcdreamy, mcfunny, wise counsel, source of help and intelligent random information/conversation, lookout, adventure, health monitor, and flat out FAVORITE person to be in the presence of. HE is my preference, flawed and awed. So. For me to feel so strongly, I just gotta have faith that I'm not crazy when it comes to the dude I'm crazy about. You know what I mean... Because I am believing for the best case scenario with THIS person. The best case scenario scenario with him is that our days will play out together, keeping one another content with unconditional love, support, affection and laughter. The next best case would be that the way I feel about him, I will be able to feel about someone else who can reciprocate it if, in fact, he never comes around. (I mean, this isn't a science, it's not mathematics, so-aside from my intuition- I really don't know the outcome.)

But it's out of my hands. He hasn't stated that he wants all of that with me. I realize that. But. he's still here. very much a part of my life. blowing my mind being his plain ol'self. Though, as things would unfold I won't be seeing him for a while as he's leaving for a couple of months. Even though I don't see him everyday, I know that I'll miss him. But I also know it is what it is. In any case, I'm feeling a guy-aitus coming on. I've been spending my time with guys I KNOW I don't want to consider spending my life with, and at this point, this casual [dating] business is for the birds. Like, I'm not looking to lock any old husband down, you know, it's just, as I explained, the point at which you KNOW without a doubt that there is a person on earth who makes you feel complete (and you actually KNOW that person and currently spend time with him)... why waste time with individuals who dont fit the bill just because they're there. Plus, I've kinda been all over the place lately. Should I listen to everyone and end blah because he isn't doing/saying blah; should I just date blah because he's around even if I know I'm not comfortable with blank about him; should I just be completely open and available right now so to increase the chances of meeting someone wow! in the midst of all these other blahs... it's all very BLAH to me right now. And I'm not amused. So, I'd rather fall back. Have fun with my platonic male friends (they ARE lots of fun, these guys). Let go of the stress, and let God. God is really the author and the finisher. That's who's writing my story, and he's not gonna write some bootleg never ending sob story where I was convinced without doubt that I loved a man who never got it until it was too late for anything to happen with someone else. I don't believe that. That is NOT my story. (Besides, as long as you're alive, it's never too late for love to bloom!) MY STORY is that the man of my DREAMS is doing whatever he* needs to do to feel like he's ready for whatever is in store for us. It just remains to be seen exactly when the man of my dreams will feel like he's ready and actually tell me. But I'm patient. So I will wait until he's ready, because I only want to do this once.

*whether it's the person I believe it to be or another man with whom my path will be orchestrated by the Most High. Like seriously, I'll take either or. Thank you very kindly.

Old Van

So, I did my neighbor's hair this afternoon, and he was like, "Come take a ride with me..." and since I didn't really have anything planned afterward, I was game. All I knew was that we were headed to Williamsburg to holla at some dude named Van (who I presumed would be an old guy since there aren't any really young cats by the name of Van these days). So we rode through Brooklyn, and I was enjoying the scenery as I do love to take in views of the city riding shotgun. Well, we turned down McGuinness Avenue and up to some row apartments and my neighbor called Van to come on. And out came this ancient looking Jewish man, fairly tall and very slender, sporting Bermuda short atop his skinny legs, white socks, and some non-descript shirt, with black bi-focals taped on the left side sliding to the tip of his nose, and long thinning hair. He walked up to the passenger side window eating onion-flavored Ritz crackers and greeted Ed. E returned the greeting, then Van turned back to close his apartment door, crumbs dusting his mouth, and returned with cabinet sketches for Ed's house as he got into the truck. Of course, as he leaned forward, I was overcome by the aroma/odor/aroma? of onion Ritz and old guy, so despite being chilly, my window came all the way down. After they discussed the sketches for a moment, my neighbor says, "Oh Van, this is my friend, Mai!" and as I said hello, Van lifted his fist to greet me with what is now being determined by the media as the "Obama Fist Bump", but is really the hood greeting generally known as a "pound", if you now what I mean. This, coming from old Jewish Van, was quite comical. I bumped his fist with a grin and turn back to the window (onion Ritz STINK).

As we rode further into Brooklyn, Ed says "Hey Van, how was your vacation with your girl??? Why don't you tell Mai about your new girl!!" And OF COURSE my ears perked ALL THE WAY UP! I mean, if Old Van has some juicy story to dish about a tenderoni, then.... I wanted to hear all about it! OF COURSE I didn't know what to expect, I mean, really I'm thinking: Van is like, what? 72, 73 years old, who knows what his love tale will consist of... so I eagerly listened as his story began:

When he was about 18 or 19 years old living in Greenwich, CT he had a girlfriend (I'll call her Kate. No Kathy. I don't know why, but I'm gonna call her Kathy. No! Sally! Van and Sally!! I'll call her Sally because I don't remember what he said her name was.) Van was completely in love with Sally and they dated up until she went off to college and he left for the military. They ultimately lost contact, as there was no facebook, myspace or twitter BACK in the day! Van went off around the world having a good time, came on back to the states, got married (to the wrong girl, as he puts it), had a child, divorced, and has been living the life in New York City for the past forty years (which is ten years longer than I've been alive)! He loves it here. He's now 80 years old and still works as a carpenter with a shop on N 6th Street in Williamsburg taking care of city contracts and cherished clients like my neighbor; does doors, windows, shelves he says, in a lot of the city buildings and refurbished homes (what a legacy)!

ANYWAY, he never forgot about Sally (or was it Kate?), NEVER. Would think of her often throughout his life but didn't know what her married name was. He wasn't in touch with any of their childhood friends to inquire about her, he didn't even know if she was still alive. But she pressed against his mind, for years Van said, so in late October 2008, I think it was the 30th, he went to the public library to look through the marriage records to find out once and for all if there was a way to track Sally down. And he found an announcement in The Times from 56 years ago stating that Sally WhatEverHerMaidenNameWas had indeed become a married woman. When he got home, it took him "five minutes", he said, to track down a phone number for Sally MarriedName. So he dialed the number. When she answer he said, "Hello, is this Sally MarriedName?" and she replied, "Yes, who may I ask is calling?" and he responded, "This is Van Pearlman" (of course I made up the name "Pearlman" as well, but the other details are accurate I promise!) and he didn't say anything else. There was the longest pause before the conversation picked up with her audible disbelief that she was speaking to the boy she loved so many years before her life really began, and that he had taken such measures to find her now. She had long since built a life with her family in the suburbs of Atlanta, and it was surreal that Van Pearlman was now back in her reality, with a simple phone call, just like that.

Sally MarriedName was even more awed at his timing because five weeks prior to Van's phone call, her own husband of 56 years had finally succombed to a long illness. Impeccable timing on Van's part because she was grieving very much for having lost her life companion and really needed someone to spend her time talking with. So Van talked to her, every day, for hours on end. For the next few months he was happy to be the support she could lean on. He said they picked up where they left off 60 years ago. She's 80 as well, though two months behind him (He joked that he's "robbing the cradle!"). They reminisce about their lives together as teenagers back in Greenwich, CT and fill one another in of how this crazy life has unfolded. Sally's children couldn't be more pleased that Van has come into the picture as well because they shared with him that she'd been such a devoted wife to their father, especially in his ailing years, and it was pure joy to see the light in her eyes because of his medicine for her melancholy. And most recently, Van and Sally took a vacation together in Cape Cod near where they were raised.... So today, right there in the truck today Old Van looked at me and said that he's completely in love, all over again, though he can't really say that he ever STOPPED loving Sally.

So, almost teary-eyed myself (I mean come on! this is the stuff MOVIES are made from), I asked if he's gonna marry Sally. His response was very simple: I don't know what I'm going to do; but I love her. He explained that though they love one another, the grieving of her husband is still fairly recent, and the fact is that she has a life in Atlanta and his life is in NYC. Even though he's 80, he's up and down with a spring in his step; out and about, still making shelves in his shop, carrying wood, doing a lot of physical activity that keeps the body young. And he has a twin brother here as well; I'm sure they keep one another healthy (they eat sushi every day for dinner). So, Van has a good life here. But he was sure that he intends to see her again. That he is not going to let her go this time. And I don't blame him; how good is a good life without someone to share it with?

The cynical may quibble that of course he's in love with her, no one else would want either one of them because they're old (or something just as insensitive). I've already heard someone say it, and I asked him to think of it a little bit more reasonably... I mean, come one: These two individuals who KNEW that they meant soooo much to one another back in the 1940's are here almost a decade into the new millineum where they've come full circle to find one another on a real love playing field. I hope they live to be 110, that way they can spend the next 30 years enjoying one another's company (and then pass away in each other's arms like in The Notebook)! Because I am the anticynic when it comes to matters of the heart. I won't be bitter that things have yet to work out for me. No sir. Not when random people are brought into my life with miracle love stories. Everything is TIMING right: their love withstood the test of time; Van contacted Sally at the time she needed him; And I crossed paths with Van at a time when I was feeling like.... you know, what does it all mean when your love for a person refuses to die. So, I'll just KNOW that whoever I'm intended to be with WILL come back around* at some point, and that we'll be happy together BEING with one another, you know.... though, hopefully it's before I turn 80!

*"back around", or INTO the picture.. even though I maintain that I'm no longer interested in meeting new guys, there is the possibility that some new character will come in stage right and actually sweep me off my feet, fully embracing my heart in the process. wouldn't that be.... pleasantly unexpected.

Oh God.

how did i get here?

is this REALLY where I'm supposed to be?






when do I get to leave?

what if proposals went like this:

"like, can we hang out and take long walks and watch cartoons and movies and youtube videos or whatever and listen to old school music or breakbeat electronica or house or jazz and can we get late night takeout or create interesting meals to share and eat pie and help one another out by fixing things or loaning things or offering sound advice or working out together and giving a massage afterward, and can you laugh at my jokes if i laugh at yours and listen to my stories if i listen to yours or come to my [thing] if i go to yours and can we pray together and study together and share what we know about any given thing with one another if the other doesn't know about it and can we kiss each other and hold each other and tickle each other and try to keep each other from snoring and find ways to make one another smile that only we know about and can we just BE easy and care for one another and live in a comfortable space with lots of room... for as long as both shall live? like nothing more or nothing less, unless you want more or or less and if so can we still care for and love one another like every day and every week and every year of our lives, just for fun??? like, is that cool with you?"

...see, if proposals went like that, it'd be really easy to say, "well, of course, silly! that's what we've BEEN doing anyway....."

mai wonder (no relation to stevie)

i wonder how things are going to turn out.

i wonder if things will always be more of a question mark than a clear indication of what is going on.

i wonder if matters of the heart will always require pain management.

i wonder if i will ever not care.

i wonder when it will all fall in place.

but at the end of the day, at least people believe in a sis...

one of the best text messages i've gotten in a long time:

Mai,

Good to hear from you! And what I said was also from the heart! I was totally blown away when I heard your CD! The concept is brilliant and the music and production is incredible! Last but not least, I think you are an incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful lady who is going to go far in life! When you get to the top, don't forget little ol' humble me (smile). Let's keep in touch!

Your friend,
Dave

Talk about words of ENCOURAGEMENT.... whew! i'm so grateful for kind words.... also, i got a message that baby Ritah was born on Sunday at 6:18pm!!!

(....just a little positivity to balance out my last post.)

man, i see

how people get caught up (and subsequently caught) in tryin to find cash in all kinds of illegitimate and questionable ways... it's enough to drive a person stone crazy applying and applying and applying and interviewing and waiting and tryin to set up interviews and waiting and not hearing nothing and checking your email every few hours and waiting and then FINALLY receiving word that though it was SUUUCCHHH a hard decision they had to make, they decided to go with the other candidate... WHAT! you're kidding me, right? like, why even mention that? that your tough choice was between me and another individual? so i can feel even more like a loser since i ALMOST had what it takes to satisfy their need and get a check in return when you barely wanted to do the gig in the first place but know you need money, so what the hey, it's only temporary... all of this is only temporary, ANYWAY..... but that's not what my mind is on, right now. right now, i'm talking about how i can SEE how easy it is to say, okay, if the individuals who have the power to give out a regular bamma job with a substantial check keep passing on my candidacy, and i need cash because what i have is dwindling, then let me find cash WHERE EVER i can find it... i'm just saying. i understand. people who _____________, or ____________, or even _____________ so that they can have enough money to pay everything on time, for the time being, until everything starts to come together, i know where they're coming from. like, i wonder if escorts and strippers or whatever actually take the money they get to pay down student debt or save a down payment for a condo, or even be able to pay their rent at the start of the month and pay all the utilities and the cable bill and buy groceries and take their clothes to the laundry AND to the cleaners or buy rosetta stone and take long trips to other countries so that they can study language and culture or whatever. that's what i would do... i dont think i have the cajones to really step outside of my moral compass in the name of being able to find supplemental cash, especially when you think of the adage (scripture?) what's done in the dark always come to the light, and ramifications, et al... but, dag. when are things going to come together????? or better yet, when will I KEEP things together on a consistant basis. i finally have a job that i like and sometimes make extra cash doing what i got my degree in, but i'm still broke as a joke and floundering. this better not be indicative of what my 30s are in going to be about. i'm only six weeks in, but sheesh.... this is... disconcerting.

money:men.

i haven't been writing very much lately, but there's certainly been a lot running through my mind...

where to start, where do i start?

it's ten after five a.m. and i'm wide awake. why?
because my semester has ended and i'm officially unemployed for the next thirteen weeks, or at least until something gives with these random cash enhancing opportunities, aka jobs, that i'm trying to uncover. i did not do as good a job as i thought i was going to with calculating how much cash i'd have by the end of may. and so here it is, two days from the next month, and i'm tryin to keep from stressing until i can pull it together. (especially since stress causes acne and it appears my skin is finally [starting to] look as clear as it once did before moving to nyc!) i had an interview that went extremely well the week before the holiday, at one of nyc's premiere non profits that would be a good look for me professionally, and even better for the children and young adults i'll be working with if hired. the thing is, i'm known to have great interviews and then not hear back from a potential employer... i maintain that, keeping a steady job and a steady man are two things i have not completely mastered. (i somewhat kid... since my job is steady and will start back during late summer when the fall semester begins.. but then, it still reflects how my relationships with guys have a tendency to be on again, off again... go figure.)

and that brings me to my next point. of why it's twenty after five a.m. and i'm still awake. why?
boys... or should i say men. i can't figure them out, though i heartell that they are very simple creatures. after going through the past few (?) weeks of not hearing from any of the guys i'm so-called dating (?), within the past twentyfour hours i actually hear from all three bredren. a phone call, an online chat session, and get this, one who actually came looking for me at the spot he knew i'd be inclined to be at on a wednesday night... like literally, all three of them, i had not heard from in at least two to three weeks, and then between wednesday night and thursday evening, they all resurface. Like, furreal??? so, here's the thing. i like all three of them. very much. i could imagine giving it a go with any of the three of them. but here's what i know for sure about all three swinging bachelors:

one is definitely enjoying his single early 30's lifestyle, been in school for many years got his ph.d and is now getting his groove going as an in demand professional and new home owner, et al bachelor. we have a good time together between motorcycle rides and yardfests, but he's definitely not looking to settle down any time soon. he's so sweet though, and kinda came out of left field with letting me know he was digging me and has been, eight years after we'd graduated from the same college! but when he stepped back into my life i was really surprised at how well we enjoyed one another's company, and gladly welcomed him. so there it is, we have a good time, no strings attached.

the NEXT dude is a somewhat recently divorced, somewhat recently returned iraqi war vet from the midwest, rebuilding his life as a p/t civilian (still in the reserves), single man here in nyc. met him a yr ago, the day before my birthday and it was quite enchanting; he had me questioning whether people can fall in love at first sight, and what he and i have is the essence of what chemistry is between a man and a woman! he's gratuitously charming and i'm all giggles with him (although, if i'm awake, i'm generally all laughs anyway....) we have such a comfortably good time together that i could imagine seeing him all the time.. so what's the problem? he's not around all the time. not by a long shot. i maybe see him once or twice a month, even after a year, and i'm inclined to follow my gut that when he's not spending time with me, he's charming some other pretty lady (because, let all my friends tell it, he's definitely a "hottie"! and i've seen pics of him on myspace and fb all hugged up before)... i could be wrong, but hey, we're all single right? so, it's not wrong of him to enjoy the ladies at whim; however, after a year of seeing him occassionally, i've grown tired of his here today gone tomorrow motif. so, why do i bother, you ask? because i like him, i enjoy his company, and when i wanna see HIM, i wanna see him. very simple. i know that he's literally rebuilding his life also, so he's not looking for another heavy relationship any time soon though he says he would like to remarry and have children; he also says he can see me having his children, but he's not the only one who says those kind of [flattering?] things, and nothing he's doing really substantiates that he's trying to lock anything down... but, while life is taking place in real time, i accept him into my equation until i find it necessary to permanently subtract him, i suppose. he says he loves me, but i'm QUICK to correct him: he loves my company, occassionally. let's call it what it is. we're all adults.

AND THEN, there's this fella that i could really see settling down with if we continue seeing one another. i knew from jump that we share the same values, the same spiritual convictions. he came from a loving two parent home (as did the other two) desires to have one wife and a few children. everytime we're together he treats me like a delicate lady made of fine china, and i want for nothing. he's intelligent, ambitious and successful, AND is totally interested and supportive of the many fabrics that make up my life as well. on the surface we're very different (he's corporate, i'm artist), but from our first date we've been able to sit and talk for hours on end, him gazing and listening to me, me being delighted by his many family tales. he's extremely affectionate and loves to tell me about the future he wants to have with me and "our family"..... so why isn't he my man already??? because even with all of that, things ain't never just as simple as they should be. i'll just leave it at that. he came looking for me last night though because we'd hadn't spoken in a few weeks, me being upset over some things... but i'm never really mad. i don't get mad at dudes, you know. i may be upset or disappointed at something, cause that's life, it happens, but i have yet to just get all mad and indignant with a brotha, so when he came to seek me out, we talked, i listened, he insisted i had it all wrong (misunderstood his perspective), i laughed and challenged, he smiled and hugged me into his arms, we drank wine and enjoyed the show, i sang badu, he sang my praises, and then it was time for him to go.. and i've been thinking of him since, when we're going to see one another again, if it's really going to develop into something that will reach maturity, or if another year will pass and it'll still not quite be there. we haven't actually been dating a year, but we did meet in 07. he's 37 now, and i asked him why he's still single, he said he's not found the right girl yet, but he thinks he has NOW. i said, yeah, sure, after all the girls you've dated, you haven't found the right girl? he said, well, i can say the same thing to you, as gorgeous and beautifully talented as you are, you swear you don't have a boyfriend right now.. Touche! i said, because i don't, and i frankly never really do have an exact "boyfriend"... so i dropped it and just enjoyed his company. because he came expressly looking for me. but before i met his acquaintance for the evening, guy #1 called to say he'd been thinking of me and since we hadn't spoken in a while he wanted to reach out and let me know. and then hours later, guy #2 hit me on chat on some "i miss you" type vibe.... to which i responded "i know, i haven't seen you in a month..."

so, this is me and the men. i can't call it. and i won't even get into the past love that i feel will always be a love even though i'm aware that he doesn't want my love, but prefers to accept my friendship/companionship. so throw my wildcard emotions regarding THAT into the mix, and i never know what will be shuffled out when it comes to men. but the only thing i can continue to do is live from moment to moment, and when i realize that the moments are consistantly coming together with one dude in particular, i guess that will be the one i'm settling down with. (i realize that is oversimplying things, because that one love i just mentioned became said love because he was consistantly available in my life in the most delightful, lifechanging of ways for those feelings to flourish, and THEN it became apparent that LOVE was not supposed to bloom exactly. shame on me! so this stuff can be confusing. but i'm gonna keep the faith and know that i'm going to have a good life with a good brotha..) i tell you this, i'm definitely not interested in meeting any new guys. like i can't take anymore getting to know you situations for potential love affairs... i am growing weary of the casual dating scene, guy#1 says that it was the turning 30 that did it, but i was getting tired of it before then, i've just recently started being more vocal about it. i'm not LOOKING for a husband right now, but i do know that i want to spend my life with one man and that if we find ourselves on the path right now, then i welcome it. it's natural, it's what you're supposed to do. so, let one of these brothas mess around and put the right kind of action into the game that supports the playing of my favorite Guy song "Let's chill, baby let's settle down, that's what I wanna do, just me and you.." and i will be a spoken for woman. until then, man.... life is, come what may.

so money and men. money. and. men. got me up at six:eighteen a.m. i should go to sleep now, since i got all of this off of my mind's chest over the past hour. man.. an hour goes by really quickly when you're spilling your guts.

i'm going to sleep. June is almost here. and that means half of the year has come and gone. Lord have mercy. and grace. giving thanx for the blessings. looking forward. to life.

Life (Here's to Waymon Tisdale and to Shay)

I was a very sad earlier this week because Tuesday was Shay Shay's 31 birthday, and of course she's not here to celebrate it with us. I miss her very much... but I ended up having the most celebratory Tuesday night with friends old and new down in the village, full of good music and great joy, and I dedicated that fullness of joy to her.

Then, today I get wind of Waymon Tisdale's passing at the age of 44 from a cancerous cyst that was diagnosed two years ago and caused an amputation of his leg nine months ago... I am, again, sad to hear of his passing, but when I watched these two videos on his life, the LIFE, the JOY, the SMILE, the MUSIC, the PASSION, I couldn't feel anything but inspiration and joy in how he chose to live before and DURING his tragic diagnosis. The same with Shay, she lived a full life until the day she left. This is how I purpose to live as well...

I don't believe in living each day as if it's your last.. I believe in living each day as if it is your FIRST. There's an adage that says, "It's never as good as the first time..." and if you allow each day to be as good as the first time, then every day should blow your mind! Here's to being alive.